Click 'em if you want, they get bigger.
|
|
|
|
Left to right:
Had I not been putting out an arson fire and gotten my ass kicked by a tree, I'd be back in California happily going to school, hiking and snowboarding. Instead, I'm fighting for my legs in rehab. All because someone was bored and had a match.
Site layout has changed, newest post is here .
So, the tree hit me in the head, putting me to my knees. Along the way, it broke my left clavicle and scapula, greatly weakening my left arm. I have a grip strength of 3 pounds in the left hand. Working on that tho. It shattered 4 vertebrae, and went on to break all but 3 of my ribs, collapsed my left lung, lacerated my spleen, shattered some of my teeth, and almost broke my legs.
The guys tried to cut a helispot right there, but the terrain was not acceptable. Only option was a longline, and I was too beat up for that, plus I'm too big for the wire stretcher thing. The crew EMT's loaded me onto a backboard and carried me about a quarter mile to a road, where I was driven to a parking lot and hotloaded into the helicopter. I was taken to University of KY's medical center where I got about 5 pounds of titanium in my back and spent a month in intensive care.
Here is an account of the event written for me by Ryan Bauer, in his own words:
My view was probably no more frustratingly good than anyone elses. From upslope of you, very near Tolen, I saw the trees first movement along with others and we all called it out. The guys on the lower bench, just above you, who heard us started yelling, but as is always the case with a snag or rock, not everyone heard the yelling. (As usual E.A. didn't hear a thing until it was all over with.) As far as right after the accident; when I got there your legs had collapsed first, then once you hit the ground you slumped forward and then over to your right so that you ended up with your body wedged under the small tree at about your waist with your knees under you. You were taking deep wheezing breaths, really slow, but at least we knew you were fighting to stay alive. We waited until we got all of the EMT's there to move you and get your airway opened better. We cleared out the area to your left with tools, cut your gear off, and rolled you onto it on your back. You were pretty beat up as I'm sure you've heard, but the roll went really well and once we were done we put JP in charge of the scene. Once you were rolled over you started to talk. At first all you were saying was "help" and "help me", but as your conciousness increased you started talking more and more. While you still had a lot of adrenaline in your system you were pretty coherent, but as it wore off you started slipping and getting combative. As far as your injuries, we were just assuming the worst pretty amazed you were still alive. When Jeremy was doing his secondary survey you let out one hell of a yelp as he palpated your right leg but we werent sure if it was your leg or just the pain in your back increasing. Anyway we were pretty sure your leg wasnt broken as it wasn't unstable at all. As we went on I asked you to push down on my hands with your feet, and after we got you to concentrate on it you did move your right foot but I lost your attention after that and wasnt able to get you to try your left leg. After that the medics arrived and after what seemed like forever we decided to carry you to the skid road, 4x4 you to the ambulance, run you down to the elementary school and fly you to UK. The hike to the skid took probably 20 or 30 minutes and if it was rough its because the FS Paramedic and I were carrying the tail end of the backboard and couldn't see the ground much less our own feet. Hope you didn't have to endure any extra pain on my account.
End of account by Bauer, and I thank him for the info, as I have no memories of the accident. Even if it seems terrible, it's nice to know what happened.
So once I got to the hospital at UK, they stabilised me and put me in intensive care where they had to put me into a
coma for the first 2 weeks because I was fighting the respirator, tearing out
iv's, stuff like that. I got pneumonia in one lung, just about the time they got that cleared up, guess what... It moved into the other lung. 'Cource because of that I had real shitty O2 saturation, and I almost
died there. Seriously, they didn't think I was gonna make it. Apparently I'm lucky to have been taken to UK because they have he highest rated hospital in the states. Also, Dr Blades, who put my spine back together is one of the leaders in neurosurgery.
The operation
to repair the vertebrae took 6 hours, and they were afraid I wouldn't make it
(die) again because I had to be on my stomach for it. My lungs were still having
trouble at that time. Turns out that position helped as a bunch of bad stuff
came out my chest drain. Incidentally, my spinal cord was stretched, not broken,
so there's hope.
|
|
|
|
|
Left to right:
Closeup (kinda) of the implant. See how the vertebre in the middle loose definition? Those were the ones destroyed.
Laying on my back, shot str8 down. You can see the trach again, and the 2 titanium rods. From the position of the trach you can see the implant is pretty high in my back. The vertebre just above the 2nd (from the bottom) horisontal tie? That's thorasic 6, the one there's very little left of. Dr Blades was apparently picking pieces of it out of the spinal canal when she put in the implant.
The scar. They say Chicks dig 'em, but I'm not really sure... This one's pretty big.
After they let me wake up in the ICU I had to get off the
ventilator. I have a trach, a hole in my throat into my windpipe with a tube in
it. Often I had to be suctioned to get all the phlem out which I was too weak to
hork up by myself. Believe me, getting suctioned is no fun at all. I finally
worked myself off the ventilator and out of the ICU. I really liked the nurses
there, they were great. Always right there to help, always kind, helping me through the angsiety attacks, pain, and fear. Eventually I graduated to the Cardinal Hill rehab center, also
here in Lexington. So, that's it so far. I'm a cripple now, but I'm workin on it. I intend to
walk out of here, as I can't imagine the rest of my life in a
wheelchair.
11:25 12/9/2001
So... Some of you will be happy to hear that through all this it seems that a side effect is that i quit smoking. Kinda hard to smoke when your in a coma I guess.
Here's one to make you cringe- I have no feeling below the belly button, and also no function. Urination is a problem. If I don't, my bladder will explode causing all kinds of nasty problems so..... I have to use a catheter. It's a little hose about 1/8 of an inch in diameter, which is lubricated and shoved up my schwanz into my bladder. All the urine drains out, I pull the hose, and a nurse comes and takes care of the evidence. During that little procedure is the only time I'm kinda happy I have no feeling there.
Today was alright, felt great when I woke up, but started to slip about halfway through breakfast. I went to therapy anyway, trying to 'work through' the spins. pedaling your wheelchair down the hall is lotsa fun when your eyes won't focus. I got into the gym early, and asked to be put on the mat, which usually helps with the spins and all that. Well, spent about a hour and a half on the mat doing various arm exercises (with hand weights, 'course) and when I got up, STILL was cross-eyed and spinny. I didn't have anything else to do till after lunch so I went to bed. Got a speech from one of the nurses about how if I wanted to eat hospital food anymore I had to get up and go to the cafeteria. They were no longer going to bring me my meals in bed. I nearly lost it and told her I wasn't in bed because I was slacking. I was in bed because I didn't have therapy and was too goddamn dizzy to stay up any more. I didn't get to be where I was b4 the accident by taking the easy route. She aapologized but it still pissed me off. I was too screwed up to eat lunch anyway.
Oh yes, I forgot till now- Last monday the hospital psychologist gave me a memory test, trying to see if the tree scrambled any parts of my head. It took about 2.5 hours, and lemme tell ya I was in some pain. My iron maiden oops I mean wheel chair doesn't fit me. Ye I was tall, but sheesh... It digs into my back like no other, and in about a half an hour I'm ready to shoot myself. They switched out the back today but still.. Anyway, the test was built so it's impossible to get a perfect score, there's some mind warping questions in there... They scored it and brought me the results the next day, and the lowest I scored was 'average', the best was 'genius'. The dock even said he wished he had my mind. So I guess the tree only did physical not mental damage.
So now I'm going to get a delicious milkshake form my wonderful nurse, Holly, check my mail, and go to sleep.
So, yesterday I got a roommate. A guy who is on his 3rd visit and is more crippled than most newguys when they get here, but that's a diferent story.. Today he decided he was cold, and told the nurses. 15 minutes later, a heating guy is here to check it out. He waves his heat detector around, and bails. Then the nursing supe shows up and wants to know what we need to do to get along. I'm not very excited about sleeping in a hot room and tell her so. Should I move? No. Lets fix the problem, instead of treating the symptoms I tell her. So, I go off to my next therapy sesion.
I'm sitting in the gym preparing to get out of my chair and onto the floor when the nursing supe appears and wants to talk to me again. I have to keep the windows shut and am not allowed to touch the thermostat either she says. So what do I do when the room temp gets to 80 I ask? Call the nurse. They will get the heating guys to chck it.
Long story short? I can't open the windows? No she says. Adjust the thermostat? I'm sorry, but no. She says. I ask a few more questions, get a few more I'm sorry's, and that's when I snapped. Why? because they were just words, no feeling behind them. I gave her a speech at about 1/2 shout volume: "You're sorry? Try sitting in one of these, (points to wheelchair) with two of these (points to legs) which don't work. I came out here to put out fires for you people, and lost my legs. I should have stayed home. At least then I would still be walking." Then I said to her: "That's it. It's over, I'm finishing my therapy now." and completely dismissed her.
I was pretty hot, but contained it so Joe and I could do floor transfers. Those are kind of important, because should I get knocked out of the chair, I have to be able to get back in. Floor transfers suck. They are hard to do and take quite a bit of strength, which I don't have (yet) especially in the left arm. At this point let's say I better not ever fall out of the chair.
In other news (your still reading? get more coffee!) We are considering Shepherd and Craig. Apparently they are the best rehab hospitals on the planet. Mom's going to Shepherd next week, and may also check out Craig. We are going to let them fight over treating me, and then go to the winner. When? In a few weeks. The battleground is fluid, so are the plans.
The back without the brace? A little sore in the morning. Ok, a lot sore in the morning. Ok, normal guy screaming sore in the morning. I tend to move around a lot while I sleep. Now, my legs get all tangled up 'cuz they don't move with me. I've never slept on my back in my life, now I am forced to. Sleeping on my stomach, something I have done for 25 or so years, has become uncomfortable. Can't sleep on the left side, shoulder and ribs still sore. So my choices are back and right side. If I sleep on a side for too long, here come the bedsores. I have to turn every 3 hours, which means waking up and doing it. Sigh.
Wow.. hell of a post for today. Hope you can forgive all my spelling and gramatical errors so far. Anyway, it's late, and I'm going to sleep. Out.
I have noticed that my right bicept is getting pretty big, while the left is non existant. I mean not there at all. "It'll take a while" and "give it time" I hear. Well, yeah, I was down for a month, it'll take time. But it seemed like the right was getting swolt and the left was jello. Well, today I found out why. I went over to UK and had a nerve test. Pretty cool if you like getting shocked and poked with needles. (that stuff doesn't bother me, but don't get any ideas...) So, the verdict? The nerve which controls the pectoralis major ('breast muscle') is damaged, but still working. The nerve controlling the bicept is damaged, and does not work, hence, the muscle's size. Will it regrow? Maybe. I'm supposed to get another test in 4 months to see if there's a change. I'm also supposed to get the muscle electricly stimulated to keep it's mass (that should be wonderful...) so if the nerve does return there's something for it to work with.
I have found myself envious of the folks over in general rehab who have lost one or both legs. Why? They eventually get a prosthetic and get to walk again. I might not get to walk again.
On any given day in my previous life the only things I could do in my current state are to make cuppacino and check my email. Just to throw them out, a partial list of things I can no longer do:
Most of the cool patients have left / graduated. I have been here the longest. (not hard to believe, with my injuries) Now, we have 3 fellas who I like to refer to as 'the backwoods brothers'. Two are paraplegic (2 limbs dead) and the last is a quad. He's got use of his arms, but not his hands. (wouldn't that suck!) Anyway, they're all from eastern Kentucky, and unfortunately are much more memerable than the rest of the population, about 98%, who are as smart and normal as the rest of us. Hence, the dumbass rep for Kentucky. So, bro #1's got on his wifebeater (sleveless undershirt) and whatchcap. (cap, knit, black.) #2 dresses normally, but anounces himself loudly uppon entering the room. 'Whatcha all doin'?' you know the type. Bro #3 is kinda stealth. You wouldn't know till he opens his mouth. Front teeth are missing, and he absolutely murders the kings english. So these three dorks are cruising around, making asses of themselves, and being as lazy as they can. One of them rolled into my room today, as disrespectful as ever, and asked what this machine was. Turns out he hadn't seen a computer before, let alone a laptop. Amazed the hell out of me. Anyway, I can see the aura of the therapists being pulled down a little. How can you be happy for / about your patient when they're lazy and try to sneak out of the exercises? You know they're not going to get better. Waste of time for you and them.
I have a week left here. Excited? No. Sad? No. Indifferent would be what I call it. I am not in control of my life anymore. Yes, I can steer, but I'm locked into the rehab river for the forseeable future. Is that bad? Well hell no, it's how I get better. It does, however, get a little repetitive after a while. I'm getting the feeling that I have gone to the limit of first session and am being put into an orbit of rickshaw, mat class, self range, and freedom machine untill I leave. (I'm probably wrong, Kara, but that's what it seems like)
One thing I won't miss, and frankly is really starting to piss me off is the game of 'screw with the cripples'. Here's how it works: I get up, dress my self, and go off to breakfast. Now sometimes the game's played allready, sometimes not till lunch, but nearly every day the nurses play the game. When they come in to make up the bed, they place things out of our reach. (our = us cripples) Nearly every day, I come back and my reacher is placed in the corner behind the bed, where I can't get the damn thing. Other times it's the sliding board. Today, it was neither. I had a cool day. I could reach everything, and slide from my chair into and out of bed. So I get into bed for the last time, and look up to what I call the 'bait' shelves, which contain things which I can see but not get by myself, and I spy my Bucky. What's a Bucky? it's a small pillow filled with buckweat hulls. When I sleep on my back, which is every friggin nite, I put it on one side of my head and lean into it. Keeps my head from flopping over too far and causing a very stiff neck all the next day. So..... I get to call somebody again to get me the friggin thing. Does it bother me that I need help to get the things I need? Kinda. It really bothers me, however, when someone places something I use every day in a place where I can't get it. A game of "Screw with the cripples".
There are a few people here at the moment who are classified as 'quadraplegic'. They can't use their feet or hands. It's a C5 or 6 injury I think. Low enough to not kill, but high enough to be pretty bad off. So I look at them, and I feel like I should feel better about my own injury, but I don't. Truthfully, I don't feel lucky at all. Yup, I should be dead, but if I was lucky I'd be home and this page wouldn't exist. Neither do I feel sorry for them. We're all here doing what we can to get better, and that's that.
The teeth. I wrecked some teeth. My front 3 are a bridge, and that thing's dust. Gonna need a new one of those. On the upper left side I sheared the enamel off a couple, but all should be well there for awhile. A few months or so, but any longer and I'll get some bad funk going on. One of the local dentists actually came and checked me out, and I asked him what could have cause dthis type damage. He says when I was struck on the head, the tree bent my head forward and my chin slammed on my sternum, smashing my teeth together. There is evidence he is correct in an unexplained top of the sternum lump I found about a month ago when examining my broken ribs. Now I really wonder how I escaped without a broken neck. I should have been one of those C5 or 6 type quads, if I made it at all.
I have a little book, (no ya can't read it) and in my book I write ideas for this place (among other things) when they strike me. I think on Sunday or perhaps Saturday afternoon if I'm free I'll write about all those wonderful little gems. An example, bait if you will, follows:
And now, off to the reason I started this- to record this stage of my life so you (by your own choice) could read about it.
My teeth. I need to get them fixed soon... They don't hurt too much, mostly just from clenching them in pain, so it's not for that. It's mostly because I have a bridge instead of front teeth, and I broke it a few months ago on a tree. The metal is showing, and it looks like a big 'ol lump of spinach stuck between my teeth. Now it's not often I get to talk to a hottie- They tended to ignore me before, you can just imagine what it's like now. Why show interest in a man in a chair when you could have your pick of those with legs? Anyway, I have gotten the oppertunity to talk to one in particular a few times recently, and I found myself trying to cover that spot in my teeth. She's 'as strong as new rope' to use another of those sayings I've been picking up, and I wish I wasn't leavin' so I might have the oppertunity to talk to her a few more times.These broken teeth are really glaring though, so I need to get them fixed.
So there's a new therapist in our unit, and backwoods boy #1 is absolutely mesmerised by her. She was doing paperwork at the table right inside the door, the one around which we have group. Backwoods was aat the other side of the table, I was behind him, and another therapist was behind her. So backwoods is staring at her, works up the corage and pipes up- "bet you sure did look nice when you were younger" She looks up, I start to grin, the other therapist whips around, and backwoods just sits there, mouth open, flies buzzing in and out... Awaiting her reply. None is forthcoming 'cource, she's in as much disbelief as the rest of us. He's oblivious we're watching, and she's so flabbergasted she hasn't noticed. He says "ya got any pictures when yous were buot 16?" I start making digging motions, and the other therapist (better not name names around this place anymore...) is making pulling stuff on your head motions as we both giggle in disbelief. She picks up her paperwork and leaves, backwoods just sits there, mouth open.
So I've been feelin' like I've been parked in therapy this last week or two- Getting to be with the same therapist for 2 hours, them asking me what I want to do for our half an hour, doing the same thing every day... it's ok though. On the rickshaw I'm up to 100 pounds, only supposed to be 80, but I sneak the extra on. Freedom machine? They watch the weight pretty close, so I double the reps. Mat class? Once again, I double the reps. I even ask the therapist to pull my knees up while I'm doing the 'neck ups' because I remember back to my Military PT tests how sore my quads were after the sit up portion. No, I don't think my quads are helpin' too much this time, but I'm going to give them a chance. I have learned quite a bit more than I should have this first session, so I guess I should just calm down. I'm almost out, after all.
Therapy started at 8 thismorning with the bike thing. 'Cource they woke me at 6 to cath, and at 6.30 to get dressed. I realised today I kinda miss Hotshottin'... It's easy compared to this. I was never sore from hiking soda, or from the push ups or dips. Pull ups got me, but not too bad. This stuff is about equal to the Military training I went through to become a Ground Forward Air Controller. I look back on the accident and figure if I hadn't gotten out and become a Hotshot, I'd be over in Afganistan right now getting shot at, and who knows what would have happened then.
As I look through my little book, there are things which I wrote down in the heat of the moment, which I don't really want to tell you about anymore. Cultural diferences between here and the west coast. Kids with tails and people murdering grammer and saying 'buddy' all the time. I don't know, maybe it's I just don't feel like writing anymore, at the moment. I think I'm gonna code some HTML for the site, and maybe leave this page alone for awhile. Don't freak out and send me 'please continue writing' emails. Tomorrow is a new day, and my mind is fickle.
When I first got here, wheeling the chair was such a bitch.. The chowhall seemed to be sooooo far away, and my one arm was sooooo weak all I could do was push in an arc, almost hit the wall, turn the chair, push in an arc again.. sigh. Now I just jet down there, no worries. Kinda scary for one such as me. (After using my feet for 30 years I want to keep them, and don't want a chair.)
I spent a long time in the ICU, went through implant surgery, got a 9 thousand dollar helicopter ride, and I've been wondering about the total cost. Got a reciept from UK for part of the surgery, $22,000 for 'physicians services'. Recieved another one for $160,000 for the ICU. That's one hundred and sixty thousand for a month kids. You can check that one here and here. NOW DON'T FREAK OUT, AND SEND ME HELLOF $$. It's all paid for, thanks to workman's comp. I am very curious to know how much this whole things going to cost in the end, and if I'm gonna be the quarter million (or more) dollar man.
I truly hope that in some way my injury has opened the eyes of the people in SE Kentucky, and the incidence of arson fires will decrease. My injury could have happened anywhere, on any fire. Trees burn through and fall all the time, and many times have I seen something so precarious I haven't the faintest how it was still standing. In Mike Sherman's words, one of those "probably shouldn't be here lookin' at it" type trees. I consider it lucky that if this had to happen, it happened here in KY. Lucky I was shipped to UK, and lucky Dr Blades was here to fix my back. Should it have been on the Plumas, I don't know what would have happened. Frankly, I probably would have died on the way to a hospital capable of taking care of me, with the extent of my injuries. Once I was there, if I made it, surely I wouldn't have gotten the care and support I did here in KY. California people simply aren't as nice. The publicity I recievd i hope will help to shut down the 'burn the woods' type hunters, and the ones who are simply bored with a match.
When I got here and we went on the first fire, I said to myself "it's just leaves". Nothing like the rippers we have at home. Sure, fire is fire, and it can still get us, but it was easy to step over the flame front most of the time. The little chipmunks couldn't step over the flame front though. They would try to hide in the leaves, and get burned out. Just like all the other animals and people who happen to be in the way. I can see why someone would light a fire- it's fun to watch, but what happens when it gets away, destroys the woods, and at worst kills people. I truly hope whoever lit that fire knows what he / she did to me. I just want them to think about me sometimes and wonder what my life is like now.
So I'm going to Craig Hospital possibly Wed. How do I feel? A little excited, also a little sad. I've been here for so long the Cardinal Hill people aren't just nurses and therapists, they're my friends. I almost don't want to leave because I feel safe and liked here. Why then am I going to Craig? Honestly I hope to qualify for some of their research into nerve regrowth at best, and hope that they will work more on regaining my leg function at the least. I want to walk, goddammit, and if at some point I truly decide I will never walk again, then I will get really interested in the 'beyond the borders' type outings. Untill then, gimme my friggin legs dammit! I've skiid allready, and it would suck to do it in one of those cart things. I can't imagine how to adapt one to a racing type snowboard... Hiking? There's no way in hell I could get back to the places I love in a chair. I would die for shure. Little skinny trails, rattlesnakes, cliffs... Just to get to the best places to go gold panning. I don't think I could pan or sluice effectively in a chair either. So I may loose quite a bit should I stay in a chair, but I'd imagine I will learn and get excited about other things. Like what? I have no idea, but I will find something. Rocket propelled wheelchair racing maybe?
I must thank all the people in Kentucky who have helped me, be it with good thoughts, a little donation, or fixing a terrible problem. I greatly appreciate your help, and definately could not have gotten this far without you. I will come back for a visit, and I will be walking for it! You have given me the best you could, now it's my turn to work with and use it the best I can to get better. I thank you for my life.
I've met my therapist, and almost immediately she got me out of my rental and into a (what the hell is it?)a Quickie I think, which is much better, but my feet still stick out too far in front. I clang them on stuff if I don't really pay attention, after spending so much time in that revolution I had at the 'Hill. We'll see what happens tomorrow, I hear they have the 'wall' of chairs and parts, so maybe I can trade up.
There's no set dress code here, Everyone gets to wear casual clothes... So I really have to pay attention, I may be talking to my Tech one minute, and the President the next, there's no uniform to diferentiate. Makes the place seem more casual in that it's possible to get closer to the employees, no uniform standing in the way.
So the Doc came in and gave me the poke test- He (or She) takes a pin and pokes various parts to see where feeling stops. Also he looked at mobility, and asked questions about the condition of my mind. Apparently not much information came with me, so I get a whole new slew of x-rays, blood work, and even an MRI. Pretty cool I think. If I get my x-rays from UK and the 'Hill I'll be able to see the progression of healing.
So overall, pretty nice so far. They're a little rabid about padding, but that definately will keep away the bedsores. There's a proliferation of high speed devices for moving the quads around, keeping track of the nurses and nurses asistants (here called 'Tecs'), and generally keeping the intrest of one intrested in technology such as I.
I knew I was back west when I turned on the tele and saw the x games- boys huckin' their meat in the bumpfield, went to lunch and found seafood pesto on the menu, and spotted a warm sunbeam coming through every window. The sunlight seems darker in the east...I don't know if it's the trees or what, just doesn't seem as bright asout here. Must be doin' something for the Hotties, because there are quite a few of them out here. There's about 100 channels on my tv, but no guide channel, and no 'blow their heads off channel', sorry SuperFred. So, I spend more time flipping than watching as I look for all the cool shows.
Modesty goes down enormousely in these hospital type places... I've taken showers with more females in the last 3 months than I have or ever will in the rest of my life. They wash parts I can't reach, clean me when I have an 'accident', and generally see me naked more times than my Mom has. It's not the same as normal life though, in here, it's business. No worries being naked in front of a girl I just met 10 minutes ago- It's just life in rehab.
Not being able to do a few things because I have an implant is cool. No skydiving, bungee jumping... I can rock climb as long as I don't fall... I probably shouldn't snowboard, cuz if I have another of those world record wipeouts I may really manage to hurt myself. I want to not be able to do those things though. That would be fine, if I could stand, and walk, even a little. I don't know if I'll ever be able to, it's up to that little patch of nerves in my back. Are they going to unswell? Are they going to grow back together? Nobody knows. It's all up to my body to heal itself. If good wishes and thoughts caused healing, it would happened long ago, but I thank you for wishing anyway. Sigh. What kind of a life am I going to have?
I've been kinda bored, there's no therapy on the weekend, something I'm sure I'll be happy about here in a week or 2. Therapy starts in earnest monday- I'm interested in what's in store and also eager to start. The more I acomplish the farther I hopefully get from the fate of being in a chair forever. Should that happen I'd get used to it, I imagine, and hopefully only be bitter on the inside. Fate put me here, probably as a backlash from cheating it so many times.
I guess someday I'll forget how I laughed at short people when they couldn't reach. I'll forget how easy it was to do everything. What it was like to stand up. The feeling of being the only one out in the woods, watching the animals and being one with my enviornment. What it was like to ride a snowboard. I don't ever want to do anything on the snow in this condition, because it will be less than what I could do before. I didn't like team sports before ( football, basketball...) and I sure as hell don't want anything to do with them now. Life as I have known it for the past 30 years is over. Guess I just have to invent new things to do. I really liked my previous life though. I had a lot of fun, now I just have a set of wheels and the rubber stamp of 'handicapped'. At this point the only way life could be worse would be as a quad ( no use of legs or hands) then I'd be doing everything I could to fall on my sword. No way would I want to live like that. Pain and torture the rest of my life? I don't think so. I'd be going on to what ever is next, if anything. If I was doing something dumb that would be one thing, but I was just standing in the wrong place.
Here's one for you religious folks. Now I've had enough pastors and priests try to convert me, it's my turn. Should you worship a god take what i have to say at face value and believe it if you wish, just like i do whenever a religious person comes to talk to me. So here it is: If a god is a 'supreme being' and controls all that happens, it made that tree fall on me. Maybe for some future purpose, maybe just for fun. Now will asking this god to change me back to the way I was do any good? I don't think so. So why pay attention at all? That's effort I think could be better applied to just about anything else. So there's my take on religion. Hopefully I didn't offend you. I just believe differently.
Every day (except weekends) from 11 to 12 I have a wheelchair class... Very interesting. First day? Wheelies and stairs. In order for us to be safe most of the time, all chairs have wheelie bars, which catch us should we go too far backwards. Normally they're set fairly tight, so they catch when we barely lean back. Mine are so tight right now I can't even hit the balance point of the chair. So for the class, they take our stock bars off and place some home-made (of pipe) bars in the sockets, which stick out alot further, allowing us to go over a bit and get scared before we get caught by the bars. It's totally safe, while still letting us know we've gone too far. So, we're wheelie'n around, while one at a time they teach us to do the stairs. Not by ourselves (yet) mind you, but with a helper. The whole point is so we can talk the average joe through helping us up / down the stairs. It's pretty easy- I had a 150# guy helping my 245# fatness up the stairs. (that's me and the chair, btw...) Oh yes, we took the extra long wheelie bars off to get up / down the stairs. Down's even easier, pop a wheelie and go. The helper still helps a little, but not much.
The food here? Awesome. we had ribs for dinner today, and I have it figured out. Cafeteria opens at 4.30, so I go eat then, and if it's good, the place closes at 6.15, so I slip in at about 6.10 to get another load of the goodies. Tonite? 2X the ribs. I was a mess, bbq sauce everywhere, but I didn't care. Here's a question- Whycook up a big ol' batch of ribs, and dump the whole bottle of sauce on them? If I want to taste sauce I'll suck on the bottle. I want to taste the meat, maybe with a little tang of sauce, but not just sauce alone. Anyway...
So, I'm sure your wondering... Pretty good place so far. Food? Great. OT's and PT's? From what I've seen, pretty good. Nurses? Well, again, from what I've seen, pretty good. So nice overall place, and I'll keep recording and explaining all the cool (or not) stuff.
I learned something cool today- I can get the front wheels (alot) higher in a wheelie if I lean forward to change the center of gravity of the chair. Interesting to me because I always wondered how I was gonna get over the tall curbs. See if you pop too high and don't lean forward you go right over backwards, whack the back of your head on the ground, then your knees come down and whack the front of your head. Sounds pretty bitchin' doesn't it? I haven't found out first hand, and I don't intend to. (well yes I did flip my chair once, but at a slow speed.)
I've gotten a few complaints about not answering email or phone. I'm kinda busy during the day trying to get my legs back, in the evenings taking care of my 'program' and / or showering, and at nite redoing the site and recording my life here. So I'll answer, in time, but perhapse not with the usual lightening quickness youall have gotten used to. I'm getting about 4 hours, and it's a little hard to get my ass out of bed in the morning, but I'm not really physicly working that hard during the day. It's sure as hell not as hard as waving a saw around or roadmarching all day. So I'm not very tired at night. 'Cource my coffee intake doesn't help...
I moved from the west side to the east today- from the hospital room with a roommate to an 'apartment' with a nuker, vcr, couple of cushy chairs and a couch, and windows that open. Not that I've had a problem with the heat here, not at all like the 'you can't have the window open' dickdance I went through at the other place. It's pretty sweet, independant living with help right behind the call button. A momentary disadvantage is I didn't move myself, so I really have no idea where anything is. I can hear my phone morosely beeping 'you have messages' but as of yet I can't find the thing. The search is a little different from a chair, alot slower. Sigh. Seems like everything except travel is slower now, and I really hate that. Takes me 20 minutes to get a pair of boxers, shorts, and a shirt on and into my chair ready to go. Suck.
I'm not sure if feeling is coming back or what, but I think I can feel the sreaming of my bladder, and commonly it feels like I'm unwillingly bleedin' the ol lizard. I check though, and nothing is wet. Also sometimes it feels like it's time for 'bowell care', and I check, and about half the time the feeling is true. Sometimes I feel like there's a loaf in the ol pants, but the sniff check proves otherwise. I tend to not believe a feeling unless it's the same, in the same place, several times and I'm getting the results the feeling is telling me I should. It's kinda wierd sitting there on the mat feeling like I'm pissing all over myself and I look down and nothing of the sort is happening.
Seems the Docs here wanted their own images of me, so off I went a few days ago to Swedish Hospital. THere's a tunnel which connects here and there, don't have to go outside at all. Far cry from the transport from the 'Hill yo UK, strapped in that van trying not to get seasick. I think normal folks should have to ride around like that for a while, then we would never have to do it again. Anyway, I got a head MRI, they were concerned about any cranial damage suffered when the tree hit. So far it looks like the webbing cuting my scalp was the worst of that particular part. Lucky bastard, yes I know. They also got a bunch of images of the implant and the rest of my back. I can see how people freak out in that machine, a very small tunnel with strange machine noises going on around you. I also got a CT scan of my head, and so many x-rays I'm going to need my own shelf. I want some digital copies of everything, but I'll have to go down there and ask to see them, then take pics of them myself. That should be easy, because I'll take my new digital camera, an Olympus E-20
I came across a thought a few days ago, and managed to remember it just now: Realise I have absolutely no control whatsoever over my legs. THey just flop there, and cannot support me at all. Now if I was to take my all terrain 4wd hoverchair a couple of miles out in the wilderness to go camping, I could bleed the lizard well enough, because I do that through a hose into a bag now, (which I get to empty later) but how the heck would I empty out number 2? I can't even properly dig a hole. Can't tromp down on the shovel with my foot now can I? I guess I'll never be able to get very far at all out into the woods ever again so why worry about it?
My PT has been checking out my back and ribcage- trying to figure out what we're going to do to fix it. All the muscles are very tight in there- They did surgery, then put me on the ventilator, then in the brace, so those muscles couldn't move for 3 months. They tightened terribly and even shrank a little, and now my ribcage doesn't move when I breathe. It's all in the belly. I may never get my legs back, but I wonder how long the rest of me is going to be screwed up. Years? Forever? How many years do I have left? 15? 20? Do I want them? Do I want to live that long being tortured every day like this? Not really, no, I don't. I don't want to be on narcotics forever either though. Incidentally I'm on Oxycontin and Roxycodone at the same time right now, and the pain is still shining through, quite brightly. I have no idea how I'm going to sleep, but it's time to try, as I have to be up at 6 to get ready for therapy.
Sleep is becoming an issue. There is a great amount of store set here around padding. Pad your ankles, your ass, your back. Place a pillow or 6 between your knees while on your side. Roll to your back? Place them under your calves. On the other side? Between your knees again. On your belly? Hang your feet off the bed, pad your knees, pillo under your chest, head on another... Sigh. By the time I move, pad, try to sleep, can't, move, pad, try to sleep, can't, move, pad, try to sleep, can't, move, pad, try to sleep... Sigh. Just when the hell is one to sleep I wonder? 'Specially when your tying yourself in nots trying to find the right position? Sucks. I'm just going to go get some carpet padding and sew myself a pair of jammies. Before you jump up and start yelling "Your gonna die if you don't pad" I slept however I wanted for a month and a half, and CURED a pressure sore on my 'tail' (gained in the ICU- they were busy keeping me alive) while I was at it. I didn't pad a thing, just turned a few times a night. So to pad or not to pad... That is the question.
Incidentally not one word has been said about pressure relief to keep my pelvis from punching through my not so padded anymore ass. Interesting.
So I went down to the pool yesterday- It's 95 degrees and supposed to be very theraputic. To me, it was a bit cool / cold and very strange feeling. My feet were touching the bottom, but I couldn't feel them so I didn't know. Legs cannot support me, so my feet were touching, but I still sank. I hung out in the corner for awhile, decided I didn't like it much, and got out. Hotsprings would be much better I think, but all the ones I know of would be an absolute nitemare to get to in a chair. About an hour after the pool I started to feel like i'd been put through the wringer. My back was all twisted and my ribs on the left side were trying to get out and run away with the top part of my implant. Very painful. I think everything loosened up in the pool, then later tightened again. It sucked. Might not have been because of the pool, so I'll give it one more try, but if I get the same symptoms I'm not ever going in the water again.
Every 2 days or so I get to try another chair- trying to find one I like so we can order the thing, and maybe it'll be here in time for me to take it home. I've tried quite a few, and the one I'm in now is 'it' I think. It's a Quickie XTR, the one with the rockshock. 21 pounds, they say. Easy to get into the car. I never thought I'd have to deal with shit like that. I need a friggin automatic tranny in the car, gastank on the passenger's side, and a chair I can fit into the car. Suck. I'll never see all those cool places way out in the woods again.
I keep hearing 'never say never' and 'you can do whatever you want' and that sort of thing. That may be true, from your perspective. I bet your legs work, and you've never had to pilot a wheelchair. Believe me, even the smallest hills kick my ass. Now I do realise I've only been walking with my hands for 3 months now, and I will get alot stronger and be able to push myself alot better. Maybe I'll even get my left bicept back. Before my injury I worked as a Hotshot in the summers. Don't know what that's like? read this. Maybe you'll think it's funny, there's no way it's true. Those of us who are doing it know it's worse. Winters I went to college taking 19 to 24 units, raced the USASA North and South Tahoe series, and taught snowboarding at Feather River College. I went hiking every chance I got, usually along the middle fork of the Feather River, gold panning and slucing along the way. It's a wild and scenic classified river, and was absolutely covered with gold miner types in the 1850's. Here is a topographic map of that zone. Green is National Forest, white is private land. The brown lines show slope, the closer they are, the steeper the hillside. Anyway, that area is where I spent alot of time, looking for gold, checking out the great many old mines and caves, and generally poking around. I've been down there on my mountain bike (before it was stolen) and being able bodied at the time, didn't fall off any of the cliffs I came across. Now trust me, there's no way in hell I would make it anywhere near there in a chair. So when I say "I'll never see those places again" I won't, unless my spinal cord heals enough that I find myself walking. The cord healing is not my choice, it's just up to nature. If wishes could heal it, I'd be able to fly by now with all the good vibes being sent my way.
I recently recieved an email asking a few questions. I figure if one person is wondering and writes, many of you must be wondering the same thing, just didn't ask. Before all of you get all twitchy 'he wrote about that one but didn't answer mine'... I get 30 to 50 mails a day, and although I read them all, I don't have time to answer. Someday I'm going to sit down and return mail, and will probably be occupied all day with it. Anyway, here's some Q and A for your enjoyment.
Q: The pool thing is interesting. I have a few questions. Is a "loose"
back
better? Like does it help healing or allow swelling to go down more?
Why
is the pool therapuetic? Is it becuase it's 95 degrees or because it's
water? If it's because it's 95 degrees would using a heating pad have
the
same effect? Or actually, a couple of heating pads.
Q: On the topic of healing, what are you doing now. I know before it was
waiting to see about swelling and stuff. What are the determing
factors
now?
Q: You mentioned going home in the last update. Is there a
potential
date?
Q: What about the stuff the doctors wanted to do or try or
whatever.
Are you doing or getting the things that make Craig better? When you
go
home what do you do? Do you have to find a doctor that knows what up?
Q: Do
you need certain work out equipment? Do you have to be near an
outpatient
rehab place (I'm sure they have one in Vegas :) ) or do you just go
home and
that's that?
A: Well, I need a stand machine, like one of these. Apparently standing aids in circulation and keeping bone density. This particular stand allows me to range my legs while standing, keeping the muscles and ligaments loose. Should they tighten from lack of movement it's really a bear to stretch them out again, as I found out with my left arm in the first month and a half of rehab. This stand is $5K though ( I really need to start making these...) and I don't know if the insurance will authorise it.
Q: What if you have questions, is there like an 800 number
you
can just call 24 hrs. a day for general answers?? Can you get on the
list
to be the first to try new tricks?? Do you want to go back to Quincy?
Q: Are
you gonna get a car? What about school?
I've ordered my wheelchair, and am waiting for the green light from the workers' comp claims examiner types to ... well, green light the thing so the folks at Quickie can start in on construction. Apparently it's not as simple as pulling a frame off the shelf, slappin' on a few wheels, 'here ya go mister, have a nice day'. Oh yes, it's a Quickie XTR with 5 inch casters and Froglegs forks. 'Cource I want some Spinergy wheels for it, but they are probably not 'medicly necessary'. (read as: 'buy your own'. Cost? $700 to $1500 a set) I did talk the Quickie rep out of some of the super high speed light up casters. There's a magnet and a coil in them so when they turn an electric charge is developed lighting up some multi colored diodes inside the wheel. They look cool, and attract attention, especially cool when you're 4'5" tall and trying to cross the street without becoming blurred. Are they 'medicly necesary'? Probably not. Neither is getting whomped by a logging truck, I'm thinkin'.
I'm trying to get 2 chairs, one for inside the house, and one for outside. Why you ask? Well, first off, it's 1/4 of a mile through gravel to the mailbox. Possibly something like this would be cool. I'm gonna get dirt and mud and crap all over the wheels, and will get shot for tracking all that into the house. Do you take your shoes off before coming in your house? I want to be able to also. Again, we run up against the medicly necessary wall. The OT / PT folks have talked about an electric chair, something like this guy, but they're tippy as the dickens on rough terrain. One of the things I figured out pretty fast is it sucks to find yourself on the floor / ground. It's a bitch - bastard to get back into the chair. Instead of an electric chair, I'm thinking of getting a quad-runner. It's built for rough terrain, and in the winter I can put a plow or snowblower on the front to clean out the driveway. Yes, it snows at my house in the winter, sometimes alot. I can't work a shovel very well anymore. Whatever I get, I suspect I'm going to be buying my own. Another advantage to some kind of powered outside travel device is it will save my shoulders. They are allready sore. Walk around on your hands for 4 months, and tell me your arms and shoulders aren't unhappy.
While my legs might not work anymore, my mind still functions quite well, a miracle considering the size of that tree and how far it has to fall to get me. Anyway, I've been thinking of a few inventions I hope to develope and market, hopefully assisting my fellow cripples.
Another idea? Snowtires. Preferably studded, just like the winter tires my Jetta wears. Climbing a little hill is bad enough in a chair, even worse if not impossible in the snow. Yup, we can put mountain bike tires on, but have you ever tried to ride a mountain bike down an icy hill? You're gonna burn in. I really don't want to be going down a hill in my chair, loose traction on the ice, start to slide, then hit a dry spot. Floored for sure, outside, in the snow. That just might be the height of suck.
Some more ideas tomorrow, it's late, and I'm tired.
A little sidelight I have noticed... When you looked at that bag of pee did you notice the red thingie which looks like a little hose? Well it is a hose. You have to stuff it into the bladder so the liquid can get out. Hows it get there? Well, you can figure that out. What have I noticed the last few days? When I'm done... My schwanz hurts. That's good and bad, because it's not supposed to, and because it does.
The moral of these two stories?
Other stuff I've been checking out on the wonderful information resource we call the internet: Propane burners and forge ideas like Ron Reil has come up with. Small hobby metal lathes. A solar tracking device, fresnel solar cooker, and sterling engine plans. Before I was crippled I went up to the local dump poking around, and gathered about 30 used pistons. Why? They're aluminum alloy. I can melt them in the Reil forge I have half built, cast them into usable shapes, and start 'making chips' with my hobby lathe. I want to build a few sterling engines, an aluminum polaski handle, and I don't know, whatever else I can think of. The sterling I want to install in the foci of the fresnel cooker, slaved to the solar tracking device, so it can follow the sun and run on solar energy all day. Why? Why not. Just a gee whiz project. I have also ran across a site about anodizing aluminum. I have always wondered how it was done, now I know, and it's pretty easy. Apparently it's just a dye... Couple of batteries, some sulfuric acid, couple of buckets, and some dye... Lookout, anodized aluminum.
Allright, that's it, it's really late, and once again, I'm quite tired.
I want to know about your “semi-charmed” life before your injury.
Snowboarding, lots of outdoor stuff, gold mining, new chainsaw. Where
were you heading, what were your goals?
Sigh... Snowboarding, which I was good enough to go to amateur nationals every year I competed, and was asked to join Cross M, a pro team who I competed with for 2 years. I taught snowboarding at the local college, greatly helping to offset my tuition costs. Outdoors? I live in the middle of a million and a half acre National Forest. Miners flocked to the area during the gold rush of the 1850's. There's still some gold laying around in the river. New chainsaw? I hoped to work as a faller this year. I'm not sure exactly where I was heading, towards college at a 'big kid school' where hopefully I would study engineering. I was taking my time and having fun while getting there though.
And now, what is it like. Some of the daily hassles you describe so
well. What do you hope for now?
Now? I can't even pick up my friggin chainsaw. I have no muscles below my rib cage, so if I try to hold the saw I'll fall over. Daily hassles? Getting dressed while laying down. Getting into my chair without getting onto the floor. Pushing the stupid chair up what were tiny hills. Keeping my stupid shoes on. Taking a shower in a chair. Looking like a beerpig, without having a beer in 5 months. The one thing I really hope for though is to be able to stand up for long enough to pull up my friggin pants. That's it, just the pants. We'll work on walking later. I just want to be able to stand up off the toilet and pull up the pants.
What is a typical day at Craig like? Where is home and what is going
home going to be like? Living where? Back to school? Major?
A typical day at Craig..... Wake up about 7.30, get coffee. Check mail, put on my eyes and do the hair. At 9 I have an hour with PT. We practice floor transfers, regular transfers, strengthening, range of motion, and talk about equipment.
What do your doctors say about your long-term prognosis? Is there any
way of telling if the cord is healing?
The Doc's don't want to create false hope, nor do they want to create moroseness. "Everyone's different" they say. It can take up to 2 years for the spinal swelling to go down. I do have movement in the muscles of my legs, but not enough to do anything. If the cord is healing, I should get return of feeling and movement, which I am, very slowly. No way to tell how far it will go though.
How and why did you get into fighting forest fires?
In 1989 I started to hear stories about guys making $1000 a month on fire crews. I found out I had to take the Basic 32 fire class to qualify, which I did. $1000 / month sounded like a lot at the time. As I got into fires I found the work hard, but fun, and the pay was better than expected. I made $32,000 this year between May 7 and Nov 15. Had to put in 1000 overtime hours to get it, and had ... I think ... 21 days off.
Did you ever worry about the danger of it? If so, did you think about
being killed, or about being injured?
Yes, I did worry about the danger, but considered it a calculated risk, mitigated by paying attention. Getting baked in a fire shelter was not too far out of mind on a fire, as was getting injured. I worried about cutting myself with the saw or getting hit by some rolling something alot more than having something fall on me.
Besides the physical things, how are you different now? How are you the
same?
I cuss alot more, because it's alot harder to do things. Because my back hurts all the damn time, and my legs fall asleep for no apparent reason. (yes, I can feel that.) Because I left the light in the living room on and I have to go through the get in the chair roll over do it roll back get out of the chair reindeer game to turn the damn thing off. Just leave it on? Sure, then I won't be able to sleep.
Why the journal? You had it before the injury and decided to keep it.
How many hits are you getting?
I write down the things I do so I don't forget. How I felt at the time and why I did what I did. I did not have a journal like this before the 'accident'.
I want to talk a lot about arsonists and Kentucky and your feelings
about both. I kind of suspect that the “backwoods brothers” you met at
Cardinal Hill were the kind of people you suspected the arsonist is.
The 'backwoods bros' as I like to call them were simply a couple of clowns I happened to be in the rehab hospital with. I don't suspect anyone to be 'my arsonist' because it could have been anybody.
What would want to say to your arsonist if you had the chance?
Was it fun? Did you get something out of it?
Do you think you would feel any differently about your injury or your
life if you had been injured fighting a western fire caused by
lightning?
I don't think so. The tree hitting me was accidental. Wrong place, wrong time. Had I been doing something dumb, drinking and driving seems to be a common reason one gets to be in a chair, although we have one guy here who was shot while robbing a liquor store, I would feel different.
So here are a few more ideas:
Another idea is for the scissor brakes. To use these one has to lean over and reach under the chair, and push on the one end to manipulate the other into the tire. You have to do each side independantly. I want to join the two sides with a hinged rod so there's only one place I have to push to work both brakes. I haven't run across too many instances where I had to use only one brake.
The feeling or lack thereof is kinda starting to piss me off a little... Things are so inconsistant it's hard to tell what's real and what's imaginary. My left leg falls asleep seemingly at random, and that knee seems to get sore easily. My thighs, belly, ass, schwanz and lower back feel like they're sunburnt. Have you ever sunburnt your backside? Really bad? Str8 up nuked it? Yup, that's what it feels like. Makes sleeping absolutely wonderful. It bothers me, but also makes me a little more hopeful. One of the guys in KY told me that when his skin sensation came mack it felt like he was burning, the nerves were so sensative. The burning gradually went away as sensation returned. So maybe, I'm getting some feeling back. Probably not, but maybe.
There have been a few weekend work partys at the house... Apparently a ramp is going up to the front door, the garage floor is being extended, there's now a pocket door to the bathroom, and the sink has been moved to create more room. To who do I owe thanks for all this construction? Pete, Dave, Ryan, Jack, Craig, Hans, Ralph and Rick have all had a hand in it. Last fall some of the crew came over and split all the wood I had been collecting, loaded it up, and sold it for me. Frankly I find all the help suprising... How far these guys will go for me. I would probably do the same for any of them, but again I find it suprising the number of people who have stepped up. It's very nice of them- ... I guess I'm at a loss for words. Thanks. I'm going to have to do something for all the guys when I (finally) get home.
So I've got my eye on a Quickie XTR-> but as far as I know it hasn't been approved by the workman's comp people yet... Then Quickie has to build it and get it here. I can't leave untill I get it, because I'll have nothing to go home in. I refuse to crawl around like a worm... Slithering on the floor. We're also checking on the possibility of getting me a 4 wheeler to get around on the property. A power chair was suggested, but those aren't made for the kind of terrain I have. I'll flip the thing. Getting on the 'wheeler might be a little exciting because the seat is a bit higher than the chair, but I'll figure something out.
One idea for tonite- Why don't we make the packet for a standard sugar packet out of rice paper? Then all you have to do is count them, drop 'em in, and stir. The rice paper dissolves, and there's no empty packets to collect and throw away.
And I just looked down and found myself wet AGAIN so small pause while I go empty and change Again...
Allright... One complete bedding change later.... I asked them for a foaley- that catheter which goes in and stays in, but a Dr's order is needed, and it's midnight. Screw it. I'll just wake up in a puddle again tomorrow and deal with it. Yes it's bad for my skin, but at this point I don't care. I've had a real shitty day, hopefully tomorrow will be better. If your from Craig and you just realised I've resigned myself to sleeping in a puddle of urine for the night realise it's my decision. I know the concequences (sp?) and I'm taking responsibility for my own life into my own hands.
So next time your having a bad day think about the one I just had. Put yourself in my chair. No, not my shoes, 'cuz i may not ever use them again, my chair.
Allright, now that I've managed to completely cheer myself up, I'm going to call the nurse with the camera, and then cry myself to sleep. Yup, I'm 30, and I cry. Loose your legs, and have to deal with the daily pain and bullshit I do, and you'll see why.
By now you know the drill-> HAd it not been for people trying to improve our rides, we'd still be pushing around in one of these.
So that's it. It's now 00:47 3/8/2002, at least that's what the machine thinks... I haven't told it it's an hour behind yet. I'm a little tired, even though I took a 5 hour nap thisafternoon. I'm gonna switch to a night 'party' bag for the foaley, and crawl into bed. Hopefully I can find a position which doesn't hurt my back or pull my neck or make my legs fall out of the bed and pull me after. I'd just sleep on my back all the time, but I really don't want a red spot or a pressure sore or any other damn thing. Hopefully I don't find myself thinking about all I have lost and the shape I'm in now. Am I a crybaby? No. If you knew me before you know how I am. Loosing this much though, it's hard.
I'm running XP on this machine, and there's a couple really anoying things:
I've come up with a few more arson poster ideas. I think we can go with 2 themes, for different age groups.
When I get home here next Friday, give me a couple of days,and I'll gather up all of the before and after Oct31 pictures I have and post them here on the site. We'll have a 'build a poster' contest, entry's which I also will put up here. I'm sure with 5k average hits a day we have to have some grafx artists checkin' me out. I'm not the only one coming up with this kind of idea, so if you have one, send it.
Like I said, I hate to bitch, but you gotta check this out. Now it's kinda core, so don't read it if your afraid of your eyeballs bleedin' after or something. Here we go: So I had the foaley in right? So I didn't wake up in a puddle while I had that UTI. Well, apparently the UTI is gone- they told me saturday the culture was negative. Puts a whole new spin on 'pissin' clean' doesn't it? Anyway so I figure I'll pull it Monday night or so, just to be sure, and give me a few more days of drinkin' all I want. So Sunday AM i wake up 'bout 9 or so, do the standard 'holey schneikeys sure am glad to be alive today... Yup, pain like this should be experienced at least once a day...' switch to the leg bag, and roll off in search of coffee. See I could pound the coffee, 'cuz of the whole foaley / leg bag action. So about lunch I say to myself 'Self, ya better check / mt that leg bag...' So, I check it, and it's dead flat. Uh-o spagetti o's... Something's wrong, charlie brown. I called nursing, and asked them for the 'foaley removal kit', which consists of a syringe. I popped it on the port, and it nearly explosively filled itself. I guess there must have ben some pressure on that baloon... Usually foaley's just slip out, with the minimum of convincing. This one? It was stuck. I had to give quite a pull to get it out, and when it finally did, there was some kinda crust all over the end, and... well... have ya ever hit your thumb with a hammer? Ya, that kinda pain, and not in my thumb. I pulled out like 900ml- waaaaay too much. Remember that little leakin' problem I had last week? It's back. I went down for Urology today, and the Doc was amazed by the ammount of stones I had. He flushed the little ones, and picked out the big ones. He had a camera hooked up, and it looked like it was snowing in there. SO, because of that, and the irritation caused by it, still no joy on the pressure test. Now I get to find some guy at home to shove large scary lookin' devices up my schwanz, for money. So, you might be itchin' to ask, isn't that pain a good sign? Well, I really don't need 'good signs' like that. Seems like the only part of feeling i may or may not be getting back is pain. Great. Wonderful. Just what I've always wanted.
If you happen to live in KY, pick up the Herald - Reporter on the 17th, that's when 'The Story' is going to be published.
What else was I going to throw down? ..... Oh yeah... I go home on Friday. Leavin' Craig at 7am, just imagine how early I'm gonna have to get up for that one. Hopefully the plane is one of the new ones, with 1st class seats that recline. Yup, I fly 1st class now. Can you imagine me in a cattle seat now? Hell No.
Here's one for all you who still try to see what it's like to be me: Go to the kitchen and get yourself a cup of scalding assed hot coffee in one of those flimsy little cups. Now we all know after that unfortunate McDonalds incident (now how the hell did that chick win?)what coffee does to you when it's spilled. Now just because I can't feel doesn't mean I'm gonna roll around abusing myself (no matter what you heard) so here's what I had to do: Hold coffee in 1 hand, push with the other. Quickly switch hands, and push the other side, or you just move like a boat with 1 oar.. In a circle. Needless to say, it sucked. Ya can't carry things with your hands, 'cuz ya need 'em to walk, and I'm not gonna carry coffee that hot right next to my non-feeling, non-functioning nether regions. So wait for it to cool? I've got stuff to do, friends and neighbors, and it takes me long enough allready to get my crippled ass up, dressed, and semi-presentable in the morning. I just take it like it is, and go with it. Just like I do with my life every day, just hoping it doesn't hurt too much.
Just 'cuz i'm in such a good mood, here's another one to think about... Where are yout legs right now? No, not like..under the desk or something, are they bent? Spread out some or feet together? Now close your eyes, can you still tell where they are? Betcha you can... Couple (ok, like... 6) months ago I could. Now? I have absolutely no idea. Unless I'm lookin' at them, I don't know where they physicly are. So, theoreticly(sp? tired) my foot could fall off the footplate, get caught under the chair, and drag till it was all gone and I wouldn't know. Think about that one the next time you stub your toe- at least you know.
Allright, I'm bringin my self down again, so I'm gonna try to go to sleep before my head's in a puddle now, and my ass is in one later.
I'll probably cuss alot, but i'll get over the home shock, and find stuff to do. I'm still planning to build my forge, and I'm going to work on a few make wheelchairs better ideas, along with building cool things with my new lathe(s) and shaper. I don't know, hopefully it won't suck too bad.
So what's up with the daily pain report? Well it's still with me- in the morning, it's the right deltoid and tricept screaming the loudest. Then within an hour or 2 it's the upper back, in the vicinity of the implant. Lately though, by about 10 or so, it's the little hoses coming down from the kidneys and the bladder itself. At least the pain is where I think those structures should be. The litle hoses? They're pissed. the bladder is more of a dull achey kind. 30mg of oxycontin and 20mg of roxycodone can't even touch it. Sigh.
Don't think this page is over- there are still at least a few years to write about. I did see 1 thing in the little book which came with my new chair (pics later)- Apparently the chair is gauranteed(sp?) for the life of the origional owner... then it says the expected life of the frame is 5 years. So what are they trying to say?
I recieved a letter from a guy in the OWCP office. A form letter, probably sent out to all who have been injured. It stated that I would be paid a certain ammount every 28 days untill I could return to work, and if my injury prevented me from returning, then I could be trained for another job. I wonder if he even knows who I am, what happened to me, and how much I would like to return to work. Why? Because I would have to be 100% recovered to pack my saw and keep up with the guys. I can't even lift 10 pounds now. My rib cage moves 1/4th of an inch from full expiration to full inhalation. (read that as 'it's frozen solid folks') I can't even say I'm half a man because 2/3ds of my body is motionless..... Beyond my control. I just get to drag it all around with me, and when the spasms happen hope they don't throw me out of the chair. So, to 'that guy', thaks for the letter, I'll let you know when I'm over my stubbed toe and will be going back to work.
I'm sure your wondering... Have I had any return. Of function that is. The answer is no. Frankly, I don't believe I will ever walk again. Sure, I want to, but odds are against me. The last step I ever took was to my doom under a tree on an arson fire. Do I wish I had died right there on the side of the hill? Yup. There are very few times any more that I am happy to be alive. I just try to stay occupied and try not to think about it too much. Am I going to 'end it all'? No. The .45 is right over there in the drawer... Full of hollowpoints. There's no safety on it. (It's a Sig, they figure you know how to use it...) Frankly, I'm mostly scared, scared of missing (how the hell that would be possible I don't know, but look where I am right now) and not dieing(sp?), making myself worse. I saw a few penta's at Craig. In their eyes, I could see they wanted to die. They could move their eyes, and that was all. So that's how I would end up. I think I've lost entirely too much to ever expect to get it back. Maybe some... Like to be able to wiggle a toe. Just another tease... Those of you who are religious are probably thinking 'wow... this is really terrible, I better pray for this guy'. Well, you know how I feel about religion, so here's my three cents. Please don't be offended, think of this objectively. If there is a higher being who is all powerful, all seeing, and causes all to happen, who do you think caused that tree to fall in the first place? Many people do not see life that way. I do, that is why I choose not to believe. (in that higher-all powerful-all seeing-being deal thing.) So bluntly, god's not gona do a thing about something he caused in the first place. And there ends my anti-religion rant for the day. I'm on my own here kids, and to my knowledge, the central nervous system doesn't do a whole lot of healing. Ever.
Should you have looked for the story in the Lexington Herald, it's not there. Apparently the UK (Wildcats) are doing quite well in some basketball (they play b-ball right?) thing so we got bumped to next Sunday. Hey, don't yell at me, I never did pay attention to basketball. Just not interested in it. I'm going to get some hardcopyof it, when I do I'll photograph it and put it up here.
I found a bunch of before pics, so we can finally use something other than that infernal trout look shot, and as soon as I dig my scanner out of the corner where I can't reach it anymore I'll be scanning them and putting them up here. Also I have some shots of my implant, and various fractures around the body. Should you want better copies, good luck. I had to go through a monumental dickdance to even see them, and they are of me, for pete's sake. The lady told me they were the property of Craig Hospital and I had to get my Doc to sign a release so I could see them. I was really tempted to take a couple pics of her and use the same line, just to see how she took it. I didn't want to get kicked out, so I left the camera in the bag.
The poster print folks have requested that we use pics which have a resolution of 300dpi or better, something about the printer freaking on something of lesser quality. The x-ray / CT scan / MRI pics are all 72dpi... sigh. I don't know how to increase them to 300, or if it's even possible. I could probably do it on my SGI, but I don't really know how to use it. At all.
So what's life really like here at home? Could be alot worse, the guys have done a wonderful job installing the ramp on the front and fixin' up the bathroom. I can get to the garage now, where I can at least look at the boxes containint my new toys (shaper, metal lathe, wood lathe, chop saw) which I plan to use to make my new and improved wheelchair parts. Plus a few other things, but mostly chair parts. It's too bad I can't walk, 'cuz I know where there's about 1000 pounds of copper laying on the ground for the taking, it'd look great melted down and formed into new and wonderful things. Can I roll there? Oh Sure... If I want to keep going right over the edge, down a 400' cliff, and land in just enough water to drown my knocked-out-ass. Not that I can climb anything to un-hook it sometimes... It's kinda strung around a little over about 10 miles along the RR tracks. Some of the insulators I've gotten from down there were patented in 1906, and the RR tunnels are dated 1919 to about 1923 or 4 in that section. The wire's about 1/4 of an inch thick, solid copper. Not the copper clad steel you see in the new wires. No, there's no signal going through them anymore- it's all radio and microwave now.
HEY LOOK I JUST MOVED MY TOE! ha ha... madeya look....
I find myself wishing it wasn't such a dickdance to get out of bed, into the chair, roll to the kitchen, get some food, come back, get out of the chair and into bed.... 'Cuz I'm kinda hungry, but not hungry enough to go through all that. I also find myself afraid to drink liquids of any type in really any ammount at all for fear of waking up in the 'ol puddle. Must be a backlash form the 20 questions I'd get every time I turned around at that one hospital... Didja cath? When? For how much? What color? When areya due again? Wantsome help? Need anything? Wakeya up in 4 hours? Check your backside lately? What'd ya see? Can I take a picture? See what I mean? After a month of that you'd be afraid to drink anything too.
Couple of friends have been over, nothing too crazy so far... Someday soon I'm goin' fishin' with Mike- Were gonna figure something to get me in the boat, and Friday I've been invited ofer to a girl's house for a movie. They all say I'm still the same....... How different I feel though. Sigh.
Here are some pictures for your enjoyment:
A thing I recieved in the mail. I have since lost the packing slip, and have no idea what the hell it is or where I bought it. Should you have a clue which happens to be correct, you will win a prize. What's the prize? Win and I'll tell.
Here are some images of the damage done. There may be more than one bone broken in each pic, and some bones are broken twice.
A couple guys came by today and lowered my bed. I'd tell you their names, but after the Cardinal Hill football bat incident, I don't do names anymore unless i want someone to get in trouble. Anyway, I can get into my own bed now. How is it? I can't tell. I can't feel any of the parts which are touching it right now. I'll maybe tell you tomorrow if I think of it. I had been sleeping in Mom and Dad's waterbed, which was nice, but impossible to roll over in. I'd push, and the hand would sink. Had to spend the whole night on my back, unless I managed to sit up and did some drastic maneuvers with my legs so body mechanics made me roll. It sucked. I woke up this morning in so much pain I could do nothing but lay there and cry for about half an hour. What a bunch of crap. The 1/3rd of my body I'm supposed to feel hurts really bad most of the time. The other 2/3rds just hurts, or falls asleep, or tingles, or spasses... Are they good signs? I don't know or care. I don't need good signs like those.
Ok, I'm tired. I'm gonna go to sleep...(in my own bed! that I made! woo-hoo!) Hopefully things will calm down soon and I'll have more time for this digital type stuff.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot... what the hell are all these sheep doing?
So Mom doesn't want me drinking too much coffee. Apparently 2 cappacino's a day are too much. So, amoung all the other things I can't do anymore, add enjoying that 2nd cup of coffee to the list. Why? For what reason should I not have it? Because the caffine in such a large dose is detrimental to my system. Like I really want to live 50 more years, or even 5. I figure I've given up all the other things which could have killed me (smoking, firefighting, driving, drinking (not that I was ever a drunk) snowboarding, hiking w/ ratlesnakes...) can I please have a frigin' cup of coffee? So..... instead of getting in a fight, oh yes, she also informed me of how much I had to eat today, a stuffed potato. I eat when I'm hungry. So what. Anyway, instead of a cup of wonderfully delicious coffee, I climed into bed and took a 4 hour nap. Didn't eat dinner either. Didn't want to. So now, it's midnight, and I'm wide awake. Sigh. By now, the coffee would have worn off, and I could have hopefully had a nice not too painfull sleep. Like that's ever going to happen again. I'm tempted, but fighting it, to take 20 minutes to go to the fridge and get a huge cup of cranberry juice, I'm kinda thirsty, but afraid to drink anything for fear of 'leaking'. I really hate waking up in a puddle. So I'll get over the coffee issue, we're not done yet...
It realy bugs me that I have such a hard time moving things around in order to get into the tools / machines I need / want to do fun stuff. I could move anything before, over to the barn or to the burnpile, if that was what was needed. Now, I can't even bick up a 20 pound object without great strain and fear of tipping. I can get across the gravel, if I want to take the time and chance (again, of tipping) but I can't carry anything because I have to do it in a wheelie and that thing would throw off the balance. Those of you from Craig are saying 'Well what the hell, you tipped over 14 times while you were here! Why are you scared?' Well, you were right there to help me back up. And no, I don't have floor transfers down yet. I'm still pretty weak. So I either have to ash someone to move all the crap out of the way of the whatever, or just not do what I wanted to. Usually I just go do something else. Kinda sucks.
Just about every time I do anything, I wish I could stand up, or take a few steps. Life would be sooooo easier. I wouldn't need a 2 foot wide asile to go anywhere. I could step over stuff. I could crawl under stuff. Reach stacked up stuff. Carry stuff. Sigh, what a depressing life.
So my voc rehab councelor? She's Great! We gave her quite a list of stuff on.... Monday? I think Monday... And she's been runnin' answers down for us. Also getin' stuff approved, which is even cooler. I'm gettin' a tempurpedic(?) matress for my bed- You know, that swedish memory foam stuff? With the no pressure point type action? Yeah, that. Then, maybe I'll be able to get quality sleep and not wake up feeling like I've been mauled by a bear. The thing's $2,300 and they have to make it custom. 8 weeks they say. Till then, I'm stuck rollin and wishin.
Every time my legs feel sunburnt I get all excited for about 2 seconds, because when I was at the 'Hill another patient told me about the day his feeling came back- He said his legs felt sunburnt at first. Well, I feel it quite often, but nothing ever comes back. Dad keeps saying 'Lets get started workin' on getting those legs moving.' I'd like nothing more, because I'll tell ya riding around in a chair is about the worst bullshit a person should have to go through.
What else.... We got another piece of 4" egg crate type foam hospital padding and installed it on my bed yesterday. Thismorning I woke up only in mild pain, not the usual 'wish I died in my sleep' type. Someday, I hope I can just take an asparin, like I used to, and all the pain would be gone. Now it's these ultra high-power narcotics, and most of the time, they still can't touch it. I wonder exactly what it is causing the pain? The implant? The crushed tight screaming muscles? The bones? Sigh. I would think everything would be healed by now, but some of my ribs hurt when I touch them still...
Pictures. I scanned s'more. They are Here, Here, Here and Here. They're kinda big (sorry) but they're what I have right now. Should you want one or some for the poster thing, ask and I'll use the good scanner- The one I used this time was for speed.
Threw a network card (3com) into the desktop today, (it's really a deskside, but well... you know) because workin' on both I only have half of what I need where I am. Sucks. Figures, the machine couldn't see the card... I loaded up all the network protocalls(sp?) still no joy... Figure I'll just load ME or XP on there, maybe it'll see then. There's CAT5 laying all over the place (it's good for much more than networking) but can I find my end stash and crimper? 'Cource not. Just saw all that crap thismorning...
You know those little nasty curlies you get right at the bottom of your hairline in the back? Kinda back hair but 1/2 head hair sorta stuff? Those are yer Buckle hairs. Someday maybe I'll tell that story...
Got my mug in the paper again, this time for making a set of Longboards.... What the hell are those? Well, grasshopper, you take a 20' section of old growth knot free straight grain Douglas Fir, and whittle a pair of skis out of it. No, ya can't use power tools. Hand planes and sanders, a chisel sometimes, and lots and lots of time. You don't wanna screw up, 'cuz those are the only boards your gonna get for a while. (treehuggers would have a bloody screaming fit if they found out we cut a grandaddy to make skis...) The story is here Sorry it's big (again) but you should be used to that now. Incidentally, 2 of us in that picture no longer have the use of our legs. You know how I lost mine, and a poor young lady lost hers to cancer. I believe she's only 21 or so. I can't use mine, and she doesn't have hers. Too bad we can't trade- at least she could get some use out of mine.
Aaaaaaneway tomorro will be a whole week home... Hasn't been too bad so far. I still haven't made it too far off the deck- I took a half hour trip to the car a few days ago, got to the passenger side, looked in, turned around and left. Maybe someday it will be light long enough for me to make it to the garden and back before all the lions, tigers, and bears come out at night. (ok, we really only have foxes and 'coons, but at 4'6" they're scary too)
My left bicept is coming back. It is still very miniscule, but I can twitch it a little.
The scars onmy lid STILL itch, and are just as lumpy as before.
I find myself becoming more and more dependant uppon the internet to get my supply of 'cool stuff'. Someday I'll unpack it all and take a picture. (wood lathe, metal lathe, shaper, chopsaw, this thing, a 245 pound pull crossbow prod, titanium nitrate drill bits...) Anyway, I just dropped $2433.88 to pay off the plastic.
First 'chair tuning' attempt. I took my scissor brakes off in order to 'fix' them. 10 cripple points if you can tell me what's wrong in that picture. No, it's not the 927$ I get every 28 days for disability, although I'm gonna work on getting THAT raised.. I didn't fall down and twist my knee for chrissakes... Anyway in the modification process, I found that the handle (you pull it) is shorter than the actuator (stops the wheel). Y is that important? Well, grasshopper, it's like a seesaw... if your end is shorter, it's harder to move a weight on the other end. So... Quickie designed at least my particular scissor breaks to have a (trumpet noises) MECHANICAL DISADVANTAGE. I still have them off, in order to fix that little problem in the afore mentioned pic, so whenever I try to get in or out of the chair it's wangin' all over the place... Sigh. Yes, my transfers still suck, or I wouldn't need brakes. I do sometimes tho manage monumental leaps which I would not have believed possible a month ago.
I saw SuperFred (not his real name) at the store yesterday, he was tellin' me about an idea he dreamed. We're gonna put zip-lines up from the porch to wherever I want to go on the property. Then I can just hold on, and ZING I'm in the garden... ZING I'm lettin' the (dalmations... go figure) dogs out...ZING... I'm in the rasberry patch... Wait.. maybe not one to the rasberry patch....
Ok. Hopefully this won't freak you out... I dream future truth sometimes. Not all the time, by any means, or I would be quite rich, but sometimes. I'd say.... 1 in 1000 dreams? All of them happen months or even years before the event which is described in them. For example:
I found out today one of my friend's sisters is in a chair, C6 and 12, has been for 2 years. Dean's valley road car crash or something. My sister's closet? Ya, that one. (naming without naming, again) Anyway, she's 2 years out, and getting some return, down to her waist now. Really cool. She's a nice girl, and I hope the healing continues.
I've personally added another pill to the pile I take every day. A multivitamin. What do nerves need to grow? I have no idea, but a few trace elements and such can't hurt. So my hose turns dayglo. So what.
Here's a little exerpt from some mail I got... Maybe I'll do more in the future.
I do believe the opposite of 'yall is youins. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Oh yes, Igor the desktop is still dead, and beyond my power to resurect. I'm taking him to the Geek (local computer wizard) tomorro for an eval while I'm in the dentist getting fitted for 7 yes count 'em 7 new crowns... at least 7, those are the broken ones I can see... Or maybe saffire implants? Or maybe something else, I don't know. Whatever the OWCP (Office of Workman's Compensation Program I think..) can fit into the payscale. Hopefully the geek will be able to magic-finger Igor back from the dead, else it's (sigh) new motherboard time (again). I hear it's possible to get a dual 2Ghz Athalon board... WOO-HOO!
Met one of my 'email companions' today... 'She's as strong as new rope', as they say in KY. Yup, very nice. Lost her email addy tho, so I'll just have to wait and hope.
Holy schneikeys, batman...As of right now, I have 126,611 hits to this site this month. The Lexington Herald published my mug on the front page Sunday the 24th, and hits jumped from 5026 Saturday to 14,902 Sunday. Tripled it. 25th and 26th were 10k each. Wow. Guess I owe Andy Mead a thanks. Where'd ya'll come from? denver-254.blm.gov, dy247102.resnet.uky.edu, heraldleader.herald-leader.com.80.161.208.in-addr.arpa, cm211.87.234.24.lvcm.com, and ny-amherst7a-154.buf.adelphia.net, Just some ovious places, where I happen to know someone. Now don't freak out, I can't tell what's in your broom closet or what you had for lunch just because you hit my site.
What else... Getin' a lotta cool vibes from the guestbook and email... Thanks.
Since I've been sleeping in my own bed, my back's been feeling a little better. Still sucks to wake up, but not as bad as it did. Bicept is still gettin' a little bigger every day, but I have to almost use a micrometer to tell. I can move a few of the 'sit up' muscles now, Don't think I could before. (lookout Geri...) It's really hard to tell if I'm getting some return or if I just could always do something but never tried.
While I'm giving shameless plugs for commercial products, I'll throw out another one: I got an email from Jed Bullard today. I didn't know they were a family business, but.... well... they are, I guess. Anyway, He said, "I just wanted to tell you that reading stories like yours makes me proud to do what I do, what my family has done now for four generations." Well, if it wasn't for that helmet, which is hanging on my wall, I'd be dead. That's about all there is to it. That tree would have crushed my skull like a dropped watermelon, and I'd be 'pushin up daisies' as they say. So, I'm pretty happy that a Bullard decided to start makin' helmets all those years ago.
And Now, I'm gonna rub some peppermint lotion on my feet, and go to sleep. Peppermint? What? Yup, my friend's wife makes it, (Sierra Botanicals, P. O. Box 738, Quincy, CCA, 95971) and she brought some by, hoping it would help. At this point, I'll try just about anything, cuz who knows what might work.
Anyway, that's the end of the trip to the floor and the shameless plugs. I'm goin' to sleep.
It took me along time to get out of bed thismorning... My shoulders have been sore for a week or two now, even though I'm not moving around very much here at home, or maybe that's why. The intercostal muscles between my ribs hurt, alot. Makes it very painful to take a deep breath, or, well, to breathe at all. Not quite the stabbing I felt trying to breathe (on my own) when they were all broken, but close. My left foot seems to always be asleep... What's up with this not being able to feel anything but pain and 'sleep' in my legs? Is that a good sign? Do I need good signs like that?
I was pretty mad at my arsonist last night when I woke up with a dry 'ate a whole bag of flower' mouth. I wanted to get up and get a cup of water, but my shouders were pretty painful, and it took me along time to sit up. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but as I lie here in bed, I can't tell where my legs are. Sometimes they fold themselves up into a ball wrapped with blankets, and I can't get up because of it. Just sitting here right now the left foot and that one spot in my ribs hurt quite a bit. Anyway, Mom heard me bumpin' around trying to convince my legs it was time to get out of bed, and went and got me a bottle of water. So... Couple swigs of water, and I got to lay back down and hope to be overcome by sleep soon. Well, that didn't work so I got to lay there and contemplate life for about an hour before I finally fell asleep. Had to move the pillow twice as it was getting sopping wet. (tears) Someday it's going to be pretty cool when / if the pain goes away, I think I'll be able and inclined to do alot more. Right now I don't want to do anything because it all hurts so much, to the point i'm a little afraid to go to sleep beause I know what the morning will be like. I don't remember it being this bad in the beginning, but maybe I was on somethng more potient than oxycontin. SOmeday maybe I'll get to meet my arsonist, and I don't know what I'm going to want to do. Cause him / her alot of pain, or not. To be staked out on top of a red ant nest... hmmmmm... nope, 'the end' would come too quick. You know, even if we caught the guy, a what... $500 dollar fine and 6 months in jail? You want to know what i'd pay to be whole again? Think about it.
When you see someone back in the woods, ask them what they're doin'. When you see a little bitty puff of smoke, go see if anyone's there. WHen you hear someone talking about how they lit goose rock drain last year, beat them to death for me ok? But make it take a really long time, like (how long has it been since I walked?) 5 months. 5 months of hospitals, painkillers, and not one step. No steps for me. Hey look at the bright side- I'll never have to buy shoes again.
I get to go to Reno tomorrow, to see the urologist(sp?). It's about time, I guess, because I do believe I've got another UTI in progress. Not sure, but it sure feels like it. Then on Thurs or Fri back to Reno fora visit to a different Dr, this one is a rehab consultant or something like that.
Allllmost fell asleep 'prone' (on your belly) last night. 25+ years of sleepin' prone, now I can't do it to save my life. I hated sleeping on my back. Couldn't do it. Tossed and turned... Now? Most of the time it's the only way I can fall asleep. My back hurts sooo bad when I wake up on my back though...
Life just sucks, people are always telling me how 'It's gonna get better' and 'the pain will go away' and 'your gonna walk again'... Allright, can't get much worse, bullshit, and I don't believe you. I'll probably always be bitter, but wouldn't you be? This is worse than someone taking your car or house or wife... My life is totally different now. People say I am the same, but I don't believe them. They don't know how I truely feel, and how much I hurt.
Oh yes, that UTI? Got one... Not too bad this time, kind of a weak bug. I wonder if it's cuz I'm out of the hospital, where the really nasty ones live.
A friend from KY just happened to bein Reno for a dispatch-coordination-somethin'-or-other meeting, and read we were going to be there, so She caled and we hooked up for dinner. It was pretty cool, first time she's seen me 'on the outside'. It's amazing the people you meet, and then how small the world really is.
All those bookmarks on the links page? Good thing I pit them there, because a few days ago the hard drive on this machine hiccuped and forgot them all. Igor's still down, I got his new motherboard, a dual procesor RAID, 8 drives, supports 2 (count 'em, 2) GIGS of RAM... Smokin'! (for 100$ na na na na), and now my old case's too small. Sigh. Lookin at new ones, another 100$. Sigh.
'Member that 'thing' I ordered but didn't know what the heck it was? Foundit, over at BG Micro, they call it a "Lens And Robot Motor", and that's about it. So now that I know what it is, kinda, I just have to find a use for it.
Oh yes, got a copy of the bill from Craig (bless OWCP...) I don't have it right here in front of me, but does $78K sound right? I think that is my grand total for a month and a half or so. 10K or so for x-rays, scans and such, which by the way I had to play friggin reindeer-games on a merry-go-round to get to see... Why? Partly because they are the property of the hospital (kinda friggin useless to me now, sitting in a drawer in Colorado...) and partly because of a form I had to get the Doc to sign which said in effect: "I, Dr Howyadoin, do not believe there will be any detrimental psychologic effects from allowing this parient to see his / her medical records." Jeepers creepers Batman... Anyway, the Doc and I finally hooked up (Dude's a very busy man, no foolin'. Sometimes he was there from at least 8am till 11pm... Sounds like Hotshot hours!) and he showed all the good stuff to me, which I took pics of and put up here.
I picked up a crossbow crank cocking device from Cabella's, supposed to be here on the 10th. ZGot home here and found out I'm too weak to cock my bow! No fun there! How am I gonna cock the 250# one? Gonna have to build the appropriate midieval(sp?) device... A 'goat's foot lever' I believe they are called. My 'big' crossbow is a midieval design ya know. I bought all the metal pieces and whittled the stock from a piece of walnut. Gonna have to go up to school and finish it someday.
More news on the two guys up for arson in eastern KY- Apparently they were arrested for igniting fire(s) in the Goose Rock area on October 30th of last year. It is still unknown at this point if these are 'my' guys, maybe they are and will admit it, maybe not. I'm sure they didn't mean to cause me or anyone else damage, at least I hope so, hopefully it was just something dumb which sounded like a good / fun / whatever idea at the time. Anyway, apparently they will appear before Judge Karen Colwell (sp?) on April 09. Apparently it is a 9 page indictment. What's that? I must admit I don't know. I've only been to jail once because I forgot (ok, neglected on purpose) to pay a $180 missed stopsign ticket. There was ice. The wheels stopped, the car didn't. So I don't know much about Grand Jury's and indictments and other large lawyerly words. An exerpt from another email reads: Your best chance for finding out any information pertinent to the case would be to contact the U.S. Attorneys Office at London, Kentucky. There telephone number is 606-(your gonna have to look it up, I don't want the poor phone guy getting bombarded with 1000 people wanting to know about the case...). An indictment is just the first step in a criminal prosecution as the trial date is usually two to three months after the parties first appearance in court for arraignment. As to what stage this case is in would have to be found out through the prosecutor of the case at the phone number above. Now realise this is a matter of public record, and we should be able to get whatever information we want about it if we so choose, at least so I understand. Hopefully these 2 clowns will go to trial during the time I am in KY in Oct, I sure would like to roll in there for a minute or two, maybe, if there's a jury, yell "you did this to me", and see if I can't sink 'em for sure. A little bitter am I? Naaaaaaaaaaa....
Ever since seeing the Quickie rep at Craig with his iluminated casters, I've wanted a pair. I asked him where he got 'em, and he said "gimme your adress and I'll send you a pair." Schweet! I thought... Well, I think he forgot because it's been like 2 months and no shiny wheels. Oh well, I guess I'll have to buy some.
Goin' to reno (again) tomorro, to see another doc. Apparently this one's going to look at my case and refer me to STILL MORE docs. Had a 4 alarm freak out today when his (the doc's) office called to cancel the appointment because they didn't have my records yet. Soooo.... Mom put in a call to our workman's comp reps, Craig, and I think UK, asking for an emergency fax of the records. My opinion? Screw it, call me when you get the records. I in particular am so very tired of the "you can't look at or have your records" game I wanna puke. So they are the property of the hospital they came into being at. So what. Make me a copy, then put yours in that storage room to be gotten out if / when I ever come back. My question is: What the hell good are they to me when I am here, they are there, and the Doc here wants to see them? Oh yes, did I mention I was here? So what good do those records do you there? Sheesh. I played the same game with the Military untill I signed them out right before I got out, then 'lost' them, only to find them again in the back of the car when I got home to Cali.
I'm still tryin' to sleep on my belly, or as close to it as I can get. I figure if I sleep on a different part every night, no pressure sores. I'd really rather not have one of those. The problem tho is usualy some part of the blanket is touching my throat, and I can't handle it. I'm sleepin' on 8" of eggfoam and a bunch of blankets... When I get the $2,300 tempurpedic maybe things will be beter. The problem tho is the blankets touch the trach site, where I have some real thick scar tissue, and there's somethin' goin' on there, I don't know, but hopefully it wears off soon.
So what else? Not much else I guess. Back feels ok, lower back's still unhappy. Where my ribs stick out on the right side (they stick out ALOT) I get a wierd feeling most of the time, pretty anoying. One thing I don't get... I know the physical side of it, but why is it I can feel my feet fall asleep? I can feel deep (inside) pain but no skin sensation? Wierd.
Two Clay County men have been indicted in connection with one of the numerous
arson fires that plagued Eastern Kentucky last fall. Christopher Smith of
Manchester and Darrell Foutch of Goose Rock were indicted on federal arson
charges by a grand jury in London. Both are 19. The indictment said they
conspired last October to set fires "on various tracts of land" in the Daniel Boone
National Forest. They are to appear before a federal magistrate April 9. If
convicted, they face up to five years in jail, a $250,000 fine and three years of
supervised release.
May I supervise these two please?
'Member that case I was waitin' for? How I said I really wanted it friday, but would get it on monday because that's just how life is? Got home from the Doc's friday, there's a note on the door...'Gee Mr Evans, we tried to deliver your package, but there wasn't anyone home. We're afraid to leave it because it might get stolen / torn / lost / eaten / wet.... We'll be back Monday." I am never shipping anything with FedEx again. Brown or nothing.
Found a bunch more ICU pics and such to scan, too tired to wrestle the wiresnake under the desk, so stay tooned. Some of them are serious posterbait so I'm gonna get out the 'good' scanner and warp 'em up to 300dpi so if any of you decide to use them they won't hiccup the printers.
So much I thought about today I wanted to write, but I've forgotten. Maybe I need to start carrying that little book around with me again...If this keeps up senility won't be a joke in about 5 years...
Allright kids, naptime. The 'ol man's whooped.
Oh yes, I almost forgot: If you have any pictures or written anything from the investigation, (of 'the accident') please send them to me (digital or hard, I don't care) as I would like to have a copy.
I've been doing fairly well, considering. SOmetimes I wake up and the 'ol legs are doing the riverdance, but they get over it. Either Im waking up with slightly less pain every day, or I'm getting used to it, I don't know.
I recently picked up some lighted casters from Talon in Oregon... 5 bucks each. My froglegs have an extra lower mounting hole, so while the new wheels are smaller, by using the other hole, I don't screw up the chair balance at all. The wheels didn't come with bearings, so I went to the local skate shop and picked up some ABEC7's. I guess ABEC1 is crappy, 3 is good, 7 is whoopass, and 9 is zen. Anyway, 8 bearings set me back 31 bucks. Wow, they better last a friggin long time!
Got Igor's new motherboard, finally got the case, put it all together, turn 'im on, fans take off, drives spool up, nothin. No video, No beep codes, the board doesn't even post. Took the 'sink off and pressed a finger to the procesor... Cold. Emailed the supplier, hopefully I can get a RMA and trade it for a 'nother one.
Still tryin' to find and build a fan control circuit for the fans in the case- no need for the thing to sound like a jet engine when I'm just checkin' mail. All the designs I have found and built so far have flopped.
My legs fight me all the time. Especially in transfers, I wanna go one way, they do not. Or they stick out straight. Something. My buddy, the other gimp in town, says I need more baclifin (i think that's the one) that will make them noodles, and calm them down. On one hand, I kinda like the spasms, because that's prolly what's keeping what muscle mass I have left there. On the other hand, since everyone seems to have such an issue with getting them removed, it would be a heck of alot easier if they didn't moove on their own at all. Just useless floppity noodles I get to drag around the rest of my life.
Anyway, by the time I get most of the crap done I wanted to accomplish in a day it's 11 or 12 and I'm pretty tired, the prospect of sitting up and writing a few lines is not very exciting. I keep saying "if I wasn't so damn busy" but things just don't seem to go away.
Got the first of I hope many massages today- just an introductory visit kind of thing- very nice though. I have some spots in the back, s I'm sure you can imagine. which have been causing me a great deal of pain. There is also quite a lack of movement in the ribs which I hope to overcome someday. I'm willng to try just about anything, in the hopes something will work. Kind of like the cancer patients going to Mexico for the "poison dart frog treatment" or whatever the new thing is.
I've been trollin' the VW site in anticipation of talkin' the Doc out of a script for a car. That's suposedly how it works, I get a script for something, and it's like christmas. Why a VW you ask? Allright, when's the last time you passed one of the new generation? Not the old hippie wagons, but the new built for the Autobahn rockets? Not very often, I'll wager. The GTI? I want one. prolly can't have it tho, and for sure NOT with the VR6. Sigh. Can't a crip have some fun? 'Cource tryin' to pilot 174 horses with gimp ass hand controls might be a little interesting. Then, there's The Jetta.... Of cource the GLX... But prolly get shot down again... Fun is not medicly(sp?) .... um..... what's the word I'm reachin' for? Fun doesn't help you get better is the gist of it. Sigh.
There is an outstanding story over on Romad.com about my former co-workers from the 10th Mountain Division back in sunny UpState NY. Ya've gotta scroll down a little, but it's there. Hey, send some flowers to the Herren family while you're at it. I guess 'ol Airman Lloyd shaped up, I always thought he was a candy ass. (read as "weakling") Had I stayed in, I'd be over in talibanland with them, and who knows, might have had an unfriendly piece of lead slip through the 'ol 'ranger body armor' and shatter my spine. I'd surely be up a shittier creek had that been the case. Rehab at Lackland AFB? Shudder.. Whatever you do, don't bitch about our military within hearing of me, 'cuz I'll set you right straight in a hurry. Those Men give up their freedom so you might have yours.
Still lookin' for a friggin control circuit- found a couple today by searching for "pc fan control". I don't want a switch, cuz I have no idea how hot that drive is actually getting, I want one which causes the fan to spin up as the thing it's aimed at gets hot, and to stay off if it's cold. They're like this, this or this. Not somethin' simple with a diode and a rehostat. Sigh... I'll get it someday.
I've started the search for a handbike, atv, car, easystand... Pretty much how it works I guess is I convince the Doc I need something, he writes a script, and I get it. Now how I get from script to thing i'm still a little unclear on, but I'll figure it out. I have to get out of this house and start moving around or I'm gonna schrivel up. I can feel my ribcage encroaching on my lung capacity... The pain in the upper back and right ribs is getting worse, legs are getting more spastic, and I'm loosing upper body muscle mass. I've gotta do something!
Woke up in a puddle again today. Gonna have to un-screw this... Sigh. Mom's havin' a hard time with it. I know she's got enough to do, and doesn't need suprises. So, tonite it's the sandwich bag and a rubber band. No, not really, just gonna find and set an alarm for oh-my-god so I can empty in the middle, then I should be allright.
Ha! Birthday in 12 days!
Wow, 9 emails allready thismorning... Lets see what they are... Wow again! 5 from girls, only one of which I have physically met, 2 computer type stuff, and 2 spam / check my porn site. Not too bad.
DOnny came by today- He's one of the saws on Lassen- We went hikin' the peak (Spanish) last year 'bout this time. We talked about the 'ol times, and the new times yet to come.. He just started 'boarding, I told him gimp or not, we're goin' next year. I also intend to whoop him a few more times at the longboard races...
Pete came by also, brought me a couple o disks full of 'shot pictures. I've thumbed them all, but it's about 50MB worth, so it might take a while to get it all up. Then, I'll link it from here, and the hotshot page.
Goin' to see ANOTHER doc tomorrow- a Neurosurgeon... As I was corrected by the secretary, NOT neurologists, I guess there's a difference. Don't really know why I have to see the guy, as far as I know I don't need more surgery or something, so it should be interesting. Ever notice how doctors want to make sure you're gonna pay before they will even let you in the door? Wow...
Got the SGI up and all loaded- I just gave it 4 disks before, now it's got the whole OS in there- 9 cd's worth. I was playin' some of the 'shot mpg's on it... tried out some MP3's, it's got a pretty darn good internal speaker. I just have to learn to use the freakin thing now. Ideally it will be on a LAN with everyting else in here, and I'll be using it as my private server. Well, among other things.
3S's plus dressed in an hour and 15, approaching the land speed record!
Off to see the (not a neurologist) NEUROSURGEON today, and maybe get a lazyboy. They have to see if I can get in and out before they'll buy it. (workmans comp) Too bad they didn't do that with my shower bench.. I damnnear wreck myself every time I try to get outta that thing...
'Shot pics up, raw files here. Don't loose yourself tho.
Went to see Dr Morgan today (neurosurgeon), apparently he went to Dr school with Dr Blades, the lady who fused my back. Pretty cool guy, asked if I had insurance, I told him yes, and he said had I not he wouldn't have charged me. That's probably the best thing I've ever heard a Dr say- This guy's not after the money, he truly cares, and didn't bullshit me. I asked him about spinal swelling, because I have thought my cord is swolen, and when the swelling goes down, I have a chance. Bad news kids- it's not swolen, in fact, he pointed (on one of the CT scans) out where it's thinner in the break zone than everywhere else. So I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be like this for the rest of my life, which I frankly hope is short. I don't want to live like this very long.
Help me out here, go and read this and then this and if you agree, send that letter. Today pretty much nailed the lid on me never walking again unless I get some kind of magical medical treatment. I have found I became a lot more emotional after Oct31, and in fact tears are hitting the keyboard right now.
Went to the Laz-e-boy shop, and met my 'durable goods purchasing rep' there. She's the one (apparently) I take the script from the dostor to and it's christmas. She is very cool, and has helped me enormously. Anyway, OWCP bought me a recliner. It's pretty nice, I can see myself falling asleep in it easily.
Other than that, the Reno trip pretty much sucked. Went to the mall, rolled around a bit, I found it rather depressing. Ridin' around in the car? Yup, lots o fun. Repeated unsuccesful attempts to tell a joke or 'cheer me up'? No. I think at this point it's too bad I grew up where I did, gaining all my 'in the woods' type expierence, because I can't use any of it now. 30 years of knowledge gone. I'm probably going to live in a city for the rest of life, where most things are flat ans have a hard surface. I don't even want to see the woods anymore. Too much torture looking smelling hearing but no touching. That's fine tho, kinda trading my hogsaws for dsl. I guess.
I've been tempted to play the 'why me' game, but I have never needed explanations for the unknown. I can simply accept that I don't know and will never find the answer. Sometimes though, I wonder what I have done in this life or previous ones to deserve this. Should you believe in the kahrma deal, which I kinda did, if you're nice to everyone / thing, they / it will be nice to you. I spent my early life getting my ass beat on an almost daily basis, if not beat then 'bushed'-> thrown / pished into the bushes around campus. I moved away, gained a foot or two and 75 or so pounds, then was unrecogniseable when I got back, and most of the time kept it that way, because I remembered. I remember all the bad / mean things done to me, and tried my best not to pass it along.
My swamper came by today... Pretty cool. He was the closest to me when the tree came down. We didn't talk much about that tho.
Not that anyone's working on a poster, but here's the scoop from the visual information specialist on the DB:
Betcha this isn't medicly necessary.
40 mg Oxycontin and 5 roxicet (generic percaset(sp?), 5@325mg each) so far today. And they ask me in the Dr's office if I'm in pain. Guess I'm not gonna get addicted, 'cuz it's sure not doing anything.
Cleaning out my mailbox, tired of getting 'nearly over the limit' warnings every time I go check. Re-reading all the smiles sent, which I saved to read again. Wishing I could post some excerpts here, but I believe that would be a breach of gimp / AB mail confidentialiy.
Our little owls? Little one is in rehab near Lake Almanor after spending a cold rainy night outside and being rescued by Mom. Big one was killed by a sharpshin hawk sometime today.
16:56 4/17/2002
Back's not been hurting as much the last few days, only need 2-3 percocets a day now. Yes, still 40mg oxycontin every day. Still can't move anything more than yesterday, or last week, or even a month ago.
Dave came by today with a paper about the 'Public safety officer's benefits act' Aparently a $100,000 benefit is given to the survivors of a public safety officer who'd death is a direct result of a catastrophic injury sustained in the performance of duty. It is also provided to a public safety officer who has been permanently and totally disabled under the same circumstances.
One last shot of the little guy, sleepin' with the teddy for company.
OWCP and Mom want to pave the driveway. I have to admit it's a cool idea, then I don't have to push through all the gravel, &*^% pinecones, ruts, etc. to get to the street, by which time I get there I'm whooped and want to go back. I've only done that once, and probably won't ever do it again. Dad is rabidly and immovably(is that a word? Well, you get it..) opposed to the idea. Worried about the trees which would have to be removed also. 1 to 12, depending on contractor. To keep them from arguing, I told them forget it. Leave it like it is. When I someday in a few months (a year maybe? Can I have some more requirements to overcome please?) finally get a car, I'll drive everywhere. I'm not going to live here forever, and as every day passes I remember more and more reasons why I left in the first place.
In the previous life I was in the woods every day, hiking, getting wood, watching the critters, looking for crystals, whatever. It's where I went to get away, or get together, depending uppon need or want. Now I can just watch, and I don't want to be tortured anymore. I get enough of that without even getting out of bed in the morning.
Yup, 'night owl'. It's not so much trouble going to sleep, although that is part of it, it's fear of waking up. When I wake up I feel as while my mind was asleep my body was hung by the wrists and beaten across the back with... I don't know, I can't think of something bad enough. I asked Pat (the other gimp) about it and he said years. Years till it goes away. Wonderful. Imagine looking forward to that. While you're at it, go sit on your deck and tell yourself you can't change anything you see, because you can't get there. That's what I get to deal with every day, because of some dumbass and a match. Thanks, Pal.
I'm on the desktop, yes, I call it 'Igor' 'cuz it's always sich a mismatch of parts, and I realised I don't even have FTP (File Transfer Protocol~> How you get well, anything from your desktop to the net) installed here yet. Where's my backup CD again? Sigh... And where the heck is my usename / password list? Oh yes... I stuck that on the net where I could always get to it.
WOke up thismorning to the sounds of splashing, fish jumping, redwing blackbirds building nests, and the pitter-patter of little baby beaverfeet. What the *&%&$^? Reached down, and yup, woke up in a puddle again. Sigh.
What day is it? I have 10 percocet left. Hope I make it till 7 May when I see the Doc again for my monthly in triplicate narcotics perscriptions.
Yesterday was quite a painful day, I'm not sure these pain pills are working as they should any more. I find my teeth getting sore as they did those first weeks out of the ICU because I keep holding them tightly together against the pain.
Windows FTP Pro 7.5 downloaded and installed (free) courtesy of FOSI. (I have not paid for software since 1996) Now where the heck is that password list?
Have you ever been stung? That hot pain feeling? THat's what my upper back right along the spine feels like. Ever worn a corset? Well, neither have I, but my lower trunk feels like what I imagine one would feel like.
Here is a shot straight out my window. That angled thing over there is a hill. (where the foxes live) Why am I not outside on such a nice day? Same reason I don't go to those 'adult' type places when I'm in Vegas. I don't like to be teased, if I can look, I want to be able to touch. Untill we (the gimps) get that 'miracle cure' (like a Mr 'kytim6482' wrote to me about today) I'm gonna be doin' a hell of a lot of lookin' and not very much touching for (unfortunately) quite a while. I was thinking thismorning as I was looking out the window into the backyard that I could be happy living underground where there are no windows at all.
Let's look at the comments tapped into the plam...
A friend from my previous life called today, said 'ask him to call me back' to my Dad. We had much fun together then, hiking, swimming, climbing, and yes, even snowboarding.
Stay tooned for case-mod pics, I'm doing a little fiber optic work on Igor, all I have are red diodes tho. Sigh. Hopefully a retrofit is in the future when I order more electronic guts for my various projects. Still have not been able to make an op-amp work- even after I figured out the untold Vcc and Vsomethin' else mystery... When they neglect to tell the newbie you have to power the op-amp also... Sigh.
I plugged the 'came with it' type front USB cord into my motherboard, didn't work. So.... I make the asumption it's dead, and order a PCI~>USB 4 port card. Online, 'cource. I called the local shops, got 'I can order you one' (so can I, I wanted it today...) and 'Gee, I don't know WHERE you would get one of those.... probably some big computer store in Reno... and I don't do specila orders anymore...' Kay...I expect that building to be for rent in about 6 months... Too bad, but if you can't (or won't) get what they'll pay for... Ayway, I intend to de-solder the ports and extend them to the front with cat5 (got miles of it) so I can plug in all my business without being on my knees under the desk.
Eventually I intend to put in a few windows (in the case) and put the 'little brother' in a square case, if I can find one. Hopefully I'll someday figure out the secret of the home LAN and be able to wire everyone together, and have them be able to find eachother and talk.
Sheesh... When I feel like I'm whizzing all over myself, I'm not. When I don't... That's when I wake up in a puddle or hear it dripping off the back of my cusion.
If you know about computer lingo and want to laugh your cushion (can't say 'ass') off, read this: http://www.dansdata.com/raidagain.htm
I was trying to remember how to search within a site today, and I couldn't. So, I went to see Fravia and asked him... Shortly I had my answer. Let's say you're looking for a particular page but you can't remember it's name. You remember seeing the text ' moonshot ' on the page. Type that into a search engine, and there's a wuite a few pages with that text on them. But you want a particular one, like the one you saw on my site, just can't remember where. No worries, just type 'moonshot site:krstofer.org' and you should be golden, that is if this site has been indexed by your search engine since I wrote this. Which it prolly has not. Should you be looking for a certain picture though, just type the URL (Universal Resource Locator) as in 'http://kastofer.org/life.jpg' into your (what's that thing called...) locator window! That's it! and you'll go there almost immediately.
I REALLY need a LAN, or some other way to communicate between the different computers I use avery day, because I'm only using one mind at this point, so I forget what data is on which machine. I also forget which version of what document is the newest, and conciquently roll around chaising my tail. For example: I have 3 different versions of this particular document all on this particular machine right now. I worked on it in 3 different places (machines) today, and now I'm mixing and matching the new data and trying to figure out which one(s) to delete so I don't loose the rest of my mind. HAd I a LAN, I could just access this document from over there, and not have to come over here with a disk, copy it, and take it over there to work on it.
Another annoyance besides the 'new or refreshed window steals focus and hopps to the front' reindeer game this OS likes to play is when I'm working on a document like this, and it (the OS) moves the cursor by itself. Here I am merrily typing along, and all the sudden I find myself typing the rest of this sentence right in the middle of another paragraph. What the?! I have to erase or cut|paste back to where I was. Really..... bothers me. I understand in BeOs or Linux or some of those other flavors it's possible to 'teach' the machine (re-write the OS code) what you want... Microsoft is too weasely and secretive though so they have to give (sell) us their OS as closed source. Babies.
Time 2 go higher on the baclifin, tired of my body fighting me. It wants to do the exact opposite of what I want, all the time. Only below the break mind you, but that's 2/3ds of me.
want to eat something, everything eaten contains liquid..... What goes in must come out...
Exerpts from the palm:
Here is a lesson for you should you decide to accept it. Given, you have a simple or better knowledge of the hypertext markup language. (HTML) Right click somewhere and select 'view source'. Everything above this text was written my me, a human. Look how easy it is to read and understand. The text below was saved from MS Word as a webpage. Look at how messy and redundant the code is. I just saved it that way to save time, and what a mess. Oh well, still human readable when processed by a web browser.
To
ensure we never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us -
the new federal airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They
will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots
with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the
President's security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips. Pause a moment and
take the following test. In 1979, the U.S.
embassy in Iran was taken over by: (a) Norwegians from
Ballard; (b) Elvis; (c) A tour bus full
of 80-year-old women; or (d) Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40. In 1983, the U.S.
Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: (a) A pizza delivery
boy; (b) Crazed feminists
screeching that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist
requirement in basic training; (c) Geraldo Rivera
making up for a slow news day; or (d) Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40. In 1988, Pan Am
Flight 103 was bombed by: (a) Luca Brazzi, for
not being given a part in "Godfather 2;" (b) Screech, from
'Saved By the Bell'; (c) Butch and
Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train thing; or (d) Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40. In 1998, the U.S.
embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: (a) Kenny Rogers; (b) Hillary, to
distract attention from Wee Willie's women problems; (c) the WWF, to
promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless;" or (d) Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40. On October 12, 2000,
17 soldier's lives were taken in a terrorist attack on the USS Cole by: (a) Burgermeister
Meisterburger; (b) That tool Jared
from the Subway commercials; (c) Ricky Martin; or (d) Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed
by: (a) Bugs Bunny, (b) the Supreme Court
of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential
election; (c) Mr. Bean; or (d) Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40. How'd you do? Did you
detect a pattern that would indicate we'd better take a close look at a certain
type of individual who might
be boarding an airplane with something on his mind other than "What's the
in-flight movie?"
No joy on the fan control circuit so far. Recieved a bunch of guts today, wired one up, didn't work. I have downloaded a few printed circuit board design software proggies, perhapse I can make it work that way. Some electronic design and test software wouldn't be too bad either, then maybe I could test b4 I build. Sigh. My kingdom for an OC3 line.
I found today nothing works any more than it did yesterday. In fact, some parts may work less. 'Recovery' can go both ways you know. There's a reeeeeally rough spot on my R elbow, gettin' kinda painful. I wonder if it's an almost pressure sore- When I sleep on my back, which seems like an inordinate ammount, that particular part of my elbow is touching the bed.
Haven't left the built (hard, flat) surfaces here in..... 5 days? Or only 4........ ...
How's this for screwed up... You have an itch, but when you go to scratch it, YOU CAN'T FEEL THERE! Very annoying.
Have I gotten any return? No. have I gone to the wellhouse or barn or any of the places around here I used to go? No. Those places have effectively ceased to exist for me. Even if I wanted to spend the effort to get there, I can't go inside, so what's the point. When I hear that some other box of my stuff has been taken to the barn, I just write it off. I'll never see it again.
Every day I remove a 5 gallon bucket of trash from this room, and every day I have less room on the flat spots. How does that work I wonder?
I try not to think about how screwed up I am because it just pulls me down and makes me not want to be here anymore, but how can I not think about it when it's right there 2.5 feet from my eyes all day? I so don't want this.
Soon after arriving home from thereapy, I began to feel a little 'under the weather'... So I crawled into bed. You in the back.. Yes? Yes, smart ass, I do not crawl anywhere anymore. You've gotten the picture though right? Well, I fell asleep. Dad came in and woke me at 6, because I mentioned I'd like to go up to school and see a reppelling demonstration being put on by one of the other gimps in town. I was still feeling bad so I didn't go. Wanted to though. I wasn't really all that sick- it wouldn't have slowed me down at all in my previous life, but now, things are bad enough. I don't need to be sick also. Woke up again at about 11, and have been ever since. Sigh.
Recieved my new video card today- It's a SIS (Silicon Integrated Systems) 315 with 128mb of ram. Why SIS? They support open source. So I support them. It's dual head also- and will even run the new SGI flatpanel. Those are a little spendy for me tho. It's got kind of a rinky heatsink/fan combo, but that may be enough till I get my chipset cooler from the Sharka Corp. I think I also may get their northbridge cooler... If I ever see my video cooler and don't have to ask them where the heck it is. (ordered and paid over a month ago) Also recieved my massive overkill power supply. Why so big? Because the multiple burners and drives I will stash in the new case (igor) suck alotta power. It's possible to warp the 12v rail in the PS and cause the 3.3v rail to sink in sympathy, causing the motherboard to loose power and possibly flip out. That's why. Why's it have that wierdo plug and half an AT plug? I dunno. To make it compatible with Chipzilla's new P4 I guess.
Had my 3rd dream since Oct31 today, as I slept after therapy. I dreampt I could walk. Like I woke up and my legs worked again. There was no slow 'look i can twitch a toe' and a month later I can twitch another, it was all at once. I got up and was the happiest I've been, ever. yes, ever. I went sneakin' around looking for Mom and Dad just so I could walk up to them. Not say anything, just walk up and let them notice. It happened here in this house so if it was one of those premonition type dreams hopefully it will happen for real in the next year or 2. Ya. Watch me hold my breath. Now please don't get all exciteted and buy me a pair of shoes or something. It was just a dream. I've had plenty of them where something good happened, and then it never did for real. It is probably just a nother phase of my torture- I dream I can walk just so I'm even more bitter when I wake up and can't.
Recieved an email today, subject line is: A new game. Inside it said: 'This is a very humor game. This game is my first work. You're the first player. I wish you would like it.' Now that's not quite enough text for 118 K. Sooo... I typed 'This game is my first work.' into Google, and sure enough, came up with a refrence to the Klez mass-mailer worm. I read about it at the Klez help center and F-Secure. I did not catch the worm. Why? Because I do not use Internet Exploder, nor do I use Micro$oft Outlook. Both of which have a security flaw allowing email attachments to self-launch themselves.
And for my last trick, a litle gem I recieved in the mail:
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the
sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and crepes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin' is such a
nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the argali and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of
Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And, Number ONE is:
1. Nope, no more for me; I'm driving.
Cars did I say? Wellll..... That's what I thought I was gonna go look at today. Cars forf gimps, ones easily transfered into, maybe with the backseat removed to make room for the chair... Maybe a Saturn with that 3rd door...
Um, NO.
I looked at vans. Friggin' big ones. Fords, full size. With lifts. And 6 point swivel captain's chairs. And more inside cubic footage than most modern garages. (ok, maybe not that much, but you could prolly raise bats or somethin' in there...) Now, these vans were very nice, looking from an objective point of view. Friggin (way) spendy, but it's 'your tax dollars at work' not my pocket money. Easy to get into, comfy seats, (least the parts that could tell) power everything, AC, CD, ..... Room for a bed in the back... Very nice. But it's a van. We are not in the 70's, I am not a rapist, and the "A" Team isn't all that cool anymore.
Heard something on the news today which kinda bothered me a little. Apparently a prisioner somewhere was asked to give up some genetic materiel for a DNA test. He said "NO". They tried to insist, whence he replied 'What are you gonna do if I don't? Throw me in jail?' There was this big 'ol hearing and some lady from the ACLU was sitting there talking about how gathering DNA infringes uppon the prisioner's rights. Now this is just my two cents, but then again I am paying to keep these...... people.... clothed, fed, warm, exercised, protected from their fellow criminals, and yes, even educated. As far as I know, they do not ask for DNA if you are suspected of robbing the local quickie-mart, so, it must have been something like rape or homicide this individual was being accused of. Now, in my opinion, if you are sent to a maximum security prision, you just gave up your rights. You can have them back when you get out. Just like in Military prision (fear of which is the only thing that kept me going to work every day for those 4 years) you will make big rocks into little rocks with thissere hammer all day. Don't want to break rocks? Ok, you don't get to eat today. Don't want to give us DNA? Ok, we're going to hold you down, take it, and then not feed you. You do not get cable tv, a vcr, something to read, letters, schooling, or anything else considered 'fun' by the general population. Prision should suck, so the released convict is afraid to go back. We are not going to rehabilitate you, we are gonna scare the crap out of you.
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
21:54 5/3/2002
Then
Mom walks up and says 'mide as well not unload, we have to go to the laundrymat again'.
Dad comes in here after his trip to the laundrymat and says 'cath before you go to bed tonite. Because I'm getting a little tired of going to the laundrymat.' Ring! The lightbulb went on, here is the answer to all my problems! later, as I'm laying here awake with tears running down my face I hear from the kitchen.... how often is he cathing? well I don't know....... what would he do if he was living on his own? Welp, I've got an answer to that one. Be a hell of a lot happier, that's what. I know how to pepare my own meals, wash clothes, take a bath, all the things that everyone else does. So I have to go to the laundrymat a little oftener. So What. I'll get over it.
So I was laying here thinking. 2 people came to see me in a non official capacity while I was gone. From the plumas I mean. Well, only one really, on his way home. But he stayed for a few days. Didn't have to, but he did. A girl flew out for a week, but I haven't heard much from her since. Sure, I got lots of cards and letters.
It took me a while to realise what my injury really was. Remember back when I said I couldn't do a situp? I thought it was just cuz I was weak. NOT that I didn't feel or stuff doesn't work work or i don't know where anything is below my chest. I now know why people die in the ICU (70% they say) It's because they were paying attention more than I was and knew what was wrong. Didn't want to live. I know exactly how they feel, too.
I almost stopped writing today. Almost. Because I feel like a little worm, in a petre dish, under a microscope, stuck in some kind of slime... wiggling as hard as I can but staying exactly in the same place. Wiped the site, wiped the hard drive, and dumped it all. Why not. Somebody's got a copy somewhere. But I would not have added any more to it. I still may, I don't know. Someday you may show up here and there will be nothing but
Does this worry you a little? No? Then you should go read this. It's pretty funny. Yes, I've been reading Dan's Data again. He's right about water not damaging your machine unless you're really dumb, I once had a leak in a watercooled machine I had built (557mhz each out of two celery 300a's on an Abit BP6 but that's a different story) I didn't realise it till I smelled something strange, looked under the desk, and got my hands wet on the carpet. Uh-o... Shut it down, dried it, and it ran for a few more months before one of the processors succumed to an early death.
WOW this machine is flippin' fast!
oh btw~ today is yesterday on another (different) machine... get it?
I get to see the Doc tomorrow. I hope I can remember all the stuff I'm gonna ask him for- As far as I can tell, if I ask, he says go, and writes me an RX, it's christmas. Now I haven't gone big, and I don't really intend to. I don't want this good thing runnin' out. I've been writing things down in my new 'digital mind' I call it- My birthday palm pilot type thing. Boy it sure is nice. Then all I have to do is NOT forget IT and I'm good.
Unpacked my 'mini shaper' today. Took pics. I'm gonna put them up, but they're in the camera, it's over there, and I'm not gettin up again. Now, I just have to figure out how to use it, and frankly, I haven't a clue. At all. I can plug it in, and turn it on, and turn the x/y/z wheels. That's it. I don't think I have a cutter or even the right thing (holster) to hold it if I did. Monkey doin' a math problem. I do have the internet, sites like mini-lathe.com (or is it mini-mill?) and a couple of 'uncle' Dave Gingery's books. A forge half built, and a whole flippin' pile of pistons I collected in my b4 KY days.(they're 'luminum) Also there's a head to a VW 1.8 waaaaaay up on a shelf in the garage I'm gonna have somebody get me down. It'll melt too. I just wish I could get down to the RR tracks for that copper- I want to try to make some whoopass passive northbridge / video coolers. Incidently Zahlman's got about 12 hours before I start sending nasty-grams asking them if they want me to contact the BBB and the cops in their hometown. I do believe they're in CA so I can't threaten interstate anything, but I can get close.
For some reason Igor 'forgot' about a few of the USB ports today. I'll have to look into that in more depth later. (get a bat)
Good thing I don't run Internet Exploder as I would have gotten ANOTHER flippin' w32 klez worm today. Wow, what a proliferation that thing's makin' At least I sure seem to be on the list... It's found 3 of my email 'bounce' accounts so far- As of yet tho the one sitting right here on this server (the one hosting this site) is still safe. Prolly because I never write this address ANYWHERE. Real or digital.
What else was I gonna... Oh yes. I'm thinking a change of scenery here on the site is in order. This seems to be the only page I update anymore, and I want to .... not 'get away from that', but do more like updating the 'wish list' with the 'whim of the day' or ... re-building my 'projects' page ... or ... I dunno, you get the picture. Then I can even make the place more Netscape on a Mac friendly. Apparently there are a few issues with my top page now, such as not being able to click on anything. That's no fun. I do need to update the links / bookmarks, because every time a machine crashes I forget to re-load them, and so get a slightly different linklist evolving. It's cool. I don't want to loose the really good ones tho. 'Cource I just remember those...
I think it's geting to be time to wipe and reload here on the laptop- it's starting to slow, and I hear the cooling fan a lot more than not now. I have non-upgradable processor speed (well maybe I can, but I'm scared to try) and maxxed RAM... The machine just needs all the chaff removed on occasion, and a wipe / reload is the easiest way. Burn all my backups on a disk (takes 5.45 minutes to fill a disk on this machine. 2.166 mb/sec burnrate) and reload fresh. 'Cource then I have to go in and kill all the little minor annoyances inherant to this OS again... Prolly take me a few days to find where it's written HOW to kill all said annoyances... I have to learn to write those down somewhere... maybe on a yet to be written 'here they are dumbass' page on the site.
Haven't woke up in a puddle lately, think I broke the code. As much as I hate it, must force myself to get up and cath (how gimps pee) at 'oh-god-thirty' and then I'm safe. No pesky liquid buildup / overflow.
Hotshot season started today. I didn't go, for reasons other than the ovious, which I shan't discuss here. Incidently a rather comic change to the pack-test rules happened this year, You have to be hired to take the test, and you cannot stay hired if you fail. Screwey, prolly CYA driven or something. Oh yes, ifya don't know, the pack (or is it PAC? I dunno) test consists of walking (no trotting or running) 3 miles in 45 minutes (or less) while carrying 40 pounds. The Army standard for road marches is a 15 minute mile, and believe me when I played that game I had a hell of a lot more than 40 pounds on, and made up for it by goin' waaaaaay further than 3 miles.
Been trying to find some quality tires for the 'ol wheelchair, and just as I was afraid of, I've got flippin' screwey sized rims. Why cantcha just take a normal size bicycle rim and build a wheelchair wheel out of it? Noooooooo we, like Schwinn, have to be different. Can I go into Wall-Mart and get a tire? No. What the heck am I supposed to do when I'm somewhere other than 'base' and blow a tire? Suffer? Apparently so.
23:33 5/6/2002 A friggin' NOTHER one! klez didn't strike again! Unbelievable.
Bought a propane tank today- 50 bucks! Can you believe that crap? Deposit my ear, I'm chainin' that thing to a tree! Maybe even engraving it with 'Stolen from: Krstofer Evans'. Sheesh. O well, at least now I have a fuel supply for the forge. 'Cource I kinda need a regulator now... Preferably variable, 0 to 50 PSI would be nice. 'Ol Mr Reil is kinda vague on how to get the propane out of the bottle and to the tip of the burner soya can melt stuff in your new forge. I guess that's his way of providing the people of places like Up State NY with natural population control. All of those hardy souls left over after a good season of hunting deer in the Fort Drum impact area, that is. Anyway, so far I have managed not to blow myself up even after releasing copius ammounts of propane into a somewhat enclosed area like I did today. Pics? No, didn't take any. Camera's still on the tripod after that girl came over yesterday and we..WHAT? Holy no we didn't! I must have been dreaming again.
My friend from Vegas called yesterday, and informed me of the fact that she no longer believes in karma. (I had to scrible it all down in my wonderful new palm so I didn't 4get, but anyway) Now I always believed in karma, and rather liked the movie Dogma, with Rufus the 13th apostle and what the heck were those two called... Anyway, good movie. You should watch it, athiest or not. Anyway, I fully expected a flat tire or busted windshield after a drunken night of mail-box-bashing, except for that one time that one guy put a piece of 10" or so IRON PIPE in his mailbox. I hit that bastard with an 'luminum bat from a car traveling at about 30 mph... My hands were still ringin' the next day. Cured me though. She was thinking about this whole deal and how she thinks I don't deserve it. People like Kelly McGlinn (did I spell that right? Well, on 2nd thought, who cares, really) deserve this. 'Specially after antics like chaising Mike Little, who moved up here TO GET AWAY from the drive-by's of Los Angeles, around town one night in his car SHOOTING AT HIM. I think he did 4 years in 'Quentin for it, but I might b wrong. I didn't really pay attention, really.
I have decided I don't really like using handicapped spots. Sure, I'm a gimp, but I'm not 'handicapped' to the point I need to park right in front. I figure save those spots for some poor bastard in a sip n puffer, you know, someone REALLY crippled up.
Struck me as kinda funny ironicly, not really ha-ha when an old (and I mean old) lady held the door for me today. The same kind of old lady who I would have hopped to hold the door for 7 months ago. I am not one to refuse help when it's given (and I need it) by the bystander types. I hear some gimps yell at the AB's for that. Uncalled for.
I felt dumb thinking I should take an asparin for my headache today. If Oxy's and Perco's (both of which I ate today) couldn't kill it.....
It appears I may have gotten most of the Nova show (Now what is it... 'Fire Wars'? Yup, that's it) recorded last night. ou know how humans and VCR's go, but I think I whooped it.
I have often thought it would be cool to have a arc shaped computer desk, with a chair on rails, like in... what show was that.. The Matrix? Yup. Now that I may go to a LAN, I can wake up all the machines (there will b 4) and truly 'multitask'. I'm even thinking about picking up another monitor for thisguy.
16:37 5/9/2002
Ahd a bit of an added bonus thismorning, that is besides wishing I had a yard full of opium poppies (hey I wonder if I can grow those? Dope doesn't do much for me...) Wake up, fight my way into a sitting position, wow! Did I just fart? That was a strong one... and it's hangin' around for awhile.... Well, it wasn't methane. Now, me trying to clean my ass in the shower is like you trying to wash the bottoms of your feet, 'cept you have to stand on them the whole time. Gimps have to invent some creative leaning positions. Your wet, soapy, and there aren't very many 'oh shit' bars in my bathtub just yet. So it takes a while. 'Specially when you wanna make sure you've gotten "it" all off. Otherwise you know... you just kinda swish the washcloth in the general direction and all is good. Welp, the water went cold after about ½ an hour, and the washin lasted for a bit longer. Like another ½ hour. I couldn't tell it was cold tho.
So now it's 1 oclock and I'm not done with my mornin' coffee yet. What a great start to the day. I did eat a few perco's though and the back is feelin a bit better. Decided I needed a laugh, so I went over to Dan's Data, but his server's broken or something. Sigh.
Not uncommonly do I get emails about THIS kinda crap because some dumbass BELIEVED it and is sending all over the internet trying to get me to do something about it. C'mon folks. The Presidential seal does not contain a buzzard, Jimmy carter is NOT a commie, and his middle name is NOT Earl. (Is it?)
Newest post can be found here.
Click 'em, they get bigger...
Top to bottom, left to right:
In the ICU, week 2 or so. Note trach is in, ventilator attached to it. Ambu bag standing by. ( big round blue thing) Feeding tube in nose. You can't see all the IV's, but trust me...
Day 3 or 4 in ICU. No trach, no back surgery yet. Apparently right before they induced the coma. I believe I was being a smart ass for the camera. All those wires and tubes? They are attached to me somewhere.
My view, if I could lift my head. There's an O2 sensor on my finger, and an ART(?) line in my right forearm ( highspeed arterial blood pressure monitor ), a shitload of IV's, heart monitor... Wired for sound, I was.
3 of my Hotshot brothers and I. Mike Sherman, Pete Duncan, and Steve Tolen. I trust these guys with my life, and it meant alot to me that they stayed to tell me what happened when I was coherent enough to understand.
Ok, here you can see all the IV's, or at least most of them... Somebody is 'bagging' me in preparation for 'suction', where they stuff a tube down my trach and suck out all the goobers. It sucks, bad. Hurts like hell, can't breathe during... That red spot on the back of my left hand? Infected... If I look kinda like a soupsandwich, well, I was at that point.. I was on some pretty serious narcotics at that point.
Second line->
The tree that whooped my ass, and took my legs. (It's the busted one on the ground) It's a Black Locust, one of the hardest trees in the forest. This bad boy was on fire at the base 70 feet inside the burn. Here comes Mr Hotshot, lookin' for things to cut. The tree burns through. I have earplugs in and a live saw with a square skip-tooth chain in my hands. The tree falls, I don't hear it, it hits me and breaks over my head. You know the damage it did allready. I'm lucky the saw didn't cut the be-jeasus out of me, and I didn't break my neck. I could be in the brain injury unit as a carrot drooling and peeing all over myself.
My Dad and I middle of summer 2K. Yup, 6'8" at 215 in my fire suit. Biggest guy on the crew. Imagine how unhappy the guys were carrying me out on the backboard, and how unhappy I am now at 164 pounds. It will come back- I'll be swolt again.
The engine I spent the beginning of the summer last year (2K) on before I got on the 'shots. It was alot of fun, really good people, but can you imagine a guy as big as me riding in that back seat? Sigh.
Mike Sherman and I, the hogsaw, dropping lightening snags in the now world famous 'trout look' shot. The local paper cut mike off and published me in a story about the accident.
Droppin' the burning super death snag... Crap was fallin' out of it, it didn't want to go in the burn... Sigh. Pete and I convinced it tho. Then the fun was over, time to buck it into a million pieces, 'cource it was getting dark... Again, sigh.
Third line ->
The outer cannula and the piece which stayed outside my neck. The round curved part was in my neck and can be seen in the x-rays above. The rectangular part was on my neck and had a little strap velcroed to it holding it on.
The healing hole. Here's where the trach was. Believe it or not, this is 24 hours after removal of the metal. Doc said it would heal fast, I didn't believe him.
Interior webbing of my helmet. This is the stuff which cut my head. See how far the yellow part is pulled into the notch? A gorilla couldn't do that. Hotshots with a sledgehammer might even have a hard time I think. The connecting plastic piece is even broken. A lot of damage to a helmet without the whole thing breaking.
Back of my helmet, showing the swipe marks left by the tree. Again, why the helmet didn't split open is beyond me. You can call it luck, but I don't think I had too much right then. I think it's quality manufacturing, and if I ever walk again you won't ever find me Hotshottin' or cutting trees without my helmet.
Editors note: This statement was written early in the stay ay Cardinal Hill, my opinion has changed considerably since then.
Snailmail may be sent to:
Krstofer Evans
Placer Sierra Bank
That's all I have for now- Alpine13 out.
So, as you can see I instantly lost control of my abdominal muscles, legs, bowell and bladder, and have no sexual function. I have lately regained some of my abs and can move my leg muscles a picometer. I'm keeping the hope that as the swelling in the spinal cord goes down I will regain full function.
At the rehab center they get me up at about 7.30, dress
me, and wheel me to breakfast. Did I mention my legs don't work? well they
don't. Can't feel anything below by bellybutton either. After breakfast I work
with the rehab folks untill 11, unless I crash. By then I'm usually pretty dizzy
and need to lay down. When you spend a month on your back apparently your body
forgets how to be upright. Gotta train it again. So, I eat lunch about 12, and
go back to (torture) rehab at 1 till about 3. By then I'm pretty dizzy again, so
back to bed. If I'm lucky I get some sleep, and at 5.30 they bring me my dinner.
We get to pick from a small selection of what we want to eat, and so far most of it
has been fairly decent. In the evenings I can get a milkshake if I want, and I
usually have one.
19:27 12/07/2001
Today I found a few ditches on my
head. I was scratching a little and found ... well, feels like a ditch, so I
asked Mom what they were, she looked, and they are cuts. I figured out how they
got there- The webbing harness in my helmet cut me when the tree hit. Must have
been an amazing amount of force to do that, and I'm surprised my neck isn't
broken and I'm not brain-dead drooling all over myself.
Oh yes, the chest
drain site? well that got a staph infection, so the scar is pretty big.
For
those of you keeping track, the vertebrae shattered are thoracic 4 through 9. Apparently 6 was the worst, almost destroyed. The incision on my back is about
a foot long, and the whole back is quite painful at times. Hopefully it will
heal fast.
Maybe you are wondering what happens to me every day here in rehab. Today is Sunday, and I don't have to do anything, but mon through sat life can be kinda hectic.
Every day at 6 the nurses come in to turn me (so I don't get any more bedsores) and clean my trach. That takes about half an hour or so. At about 7.30 somebody comes in to dress me and get me up for the day. I have to wear tights on the legs and a binder around my waist to keep the blood from pooling in my lower body when I sit up. Still tho, when I sit up I get dizzy, see double, and break out in a sweat. That lasts for 5 or 10 minutes, then goes away.
Most of the time I can 'cheat' and get a push down to the cafeteria. Not that it's far away, my arms are just really weak. I usually get eggs, toast, milk, juice, and frosted flakes for breakfast. I save some of it because
they give me a whole pile of hoss pills and it's nice to have something solid to wash them down. I don't know what they are all for, and frankly I don't care. I trust the doctor and the pill girl.
So, after breakfast I usually cheat again and get a push to the gym. Oh, if you haven't picked up on it yet, my legs don't work at all, so I have to ride around in a wheelchair. Anyway, I'm in the gym. Sometimes they have me work on the 'rickshaw' a contraption for strengthen my arms, other times I do range of motion exercises on the mat or other torture. I'm usually with one therapist for a half an hour then I get to see another one so whatever I'm doing i
t usually doesn't last too long.
Usually at about 11 I start to get the spins pretty bad and I'm usually done with therapy anyway, so I ask to get put in my bed. I eat lunch here usually a salad and the 'pick of the day'. About 1 the nurses or a therapist come in to get me up for an afternoon of torture. That lasts till about 3 or 4, doing the same things as the morning.
22:05 12/10/2001
Hey! Thanks for reading this far... You must either be bored, or
have a morbid sense of curiosity... or something. Anyway, today they took a couple x-rays of my left shoulder. Apparently there is some confusion as to wether my scapula really is broken or not. The clavicle is obvious- there's even a big 'ol bruise there. What are they gonna do if it's not broken? I don't know, but therapy will probably get harder. Other than that, the day was good. Therapy wasn't too hard, and I didn't flop too terribly when they sat me up this morning. Maybe I'm getting used to being upright after all. Kinda nice, as that kind of dizzy anddouble vision arer one of the worst feelings in the world.
I'm getting an amazing amount of support- letters and emails from people I have never met who are writing simply to wish me well. Also lots of letters and mail from friends and other Shot crews. It's very nice, and not that my spirits are particularly low, but every wish helps to keep me going. Thanks for everything, all of you!
00:27 12/13/2001
What a day. They say some are better than others, and that's very true. I felt great when I got up thismorning, and slowly slid down from there. Last chore was the easystand at about 11.30... Spins, nausea, and trouble breathing. They brought me down and put me to bed. 'Course in an hour i had to get up for rickshaw and mat rolling practice.
Then back to bed. Hell no I'm not getting up for dinner- bring it in here please.
20:28 12/18/2001
So yesterday I was involved in an experiment where a bunch of doctors and bio engineers wired me up and put me on the tilt table. I had 2 laser skin blood perfusion detectors, a really high speed blood pressure monitor which went on my finger, a heart monitor, breath monitor, and a device which listened to my pulse. I looked like one of the Borg. Wires and fiber optic stuck to me everywhere. They ran me up to 20 degrees, took a bunch of blood, waited 10 minutes, and took me up to 40 degrees. I had a little trouble there, I couldn't breathe. Total anxiety, but none the less, I couldn't breathe so they took me back to 20 degrees. We waited about 10 minutes and went back up to 40, where the same thing happened again so I came all the way down. I was a bit spinny after, so I went back to my room and crawled into bed. What was the point of the experiment? Well, some people in my situation have a really hard time getting up, and the doctors want to find out what happens when someone 'crashes' so maybe they can create a fix. Incidentally the same thing happens to astronauts when they have spent some time in space and they come home.
The therapists came and got me after lunch, angry because I had missed playing with them that morning. I had a full afternoon, lemme tellya.
This afternoon I got worked... 50 pounds on the rickshaw, some time standing up in a contraption nearly killed me, more arm training on the mat, and a breathing group.( intended to raise our lung capacity, mine is currently 28% ) Then back to bed, and guess what? They brought me dinner in bed. Ted gave me some howyadoins for my elbows today so I don't get pressure sores on them while sleeping, and a strange slippery feeling glove for my left hand 'cuz I have nerve damage and that hand hurts all the time. Feels like it's being boiled, and no, roxycodone doesn't help.
22:24 12/21/2001
Today I decided to question the pillgirl and see just what it is I am choking down morning, noon, and nite. I asked, and now I have a list of all and what they do. Just because you've read this far, I'll list them.
Every 12 hours: (ish)
Tegretol 200 mg ->Anticonvulsant.
Lovenox 0.3 ml -> Anticoagulant.
pepsid 20 mg -> Raises blood pressure.
Paxil 20 mg -> Used to treat panic disorder.
Neurontin 900 mg ->Anticonvulsant.
Entex Pse 120-600 tab ->Decongestant and expectorant.
Combivent inhaler -> Bronchodilator and beta receptor stimulant combination.
Senna concern -> Stimulant laxative to treat constipation.
Augmentin -> penicillin based antibiotic to treat bacterial infections.
As needed:
Roxicodone 3@5 mg -> Pain.
Quite a list huh? It's lots of fun choking all these bad boys down in the morning. I usually save some of my breakfast to wash them down. At bedtime I get a shot of lovenox to keep those pesky bloodclots away. It goes in the fat (ya right) of my beltline so I don't feel it. My inhaler has this wierd 'mixing chamber' or something on it, and it whistles if I inhale properly. I keep an eye on the clock because every 4 hours I'm allowed to have s'more Roxicodone. Beleve me, if I forget my back reminds me. Interesting problem: I go to sleep usually between 9 and midnight, so I usually get my last 'for pain' at 8 or 12. We get up at 6, so I've ben off the 'killer for 6 to 10 hours. I know exactly where the implant is, and all the wounded muscle groups too.
You noticed a lot of anticonvulsants? Most of them are used for a side effect which calms down the nerve damage in my left arm. Apparently when my clavicle was broken ( it's healing crooked, sigh) the brachial nerve was bashed. Effect? My arm feels things wierd, my hand always has that 'sat on it pins and needles' feeling, I have no tactile sensation in my fingertips, and my thumb feels like it's on fire. These are 24/7 feelings, not just during the day or something. Kinda sucks, because that's the weak hand anyway, and the added bonus of nerve damage keeps me from doing alot of things I want / need to do. When I push my wheelchair it arcs to the left because that arm is weaker in strength and grip, so I push for a minute, have to stop and re-aim, push s'more, stop and re-aim... Sigh. It's really fun in long hallways.
The panic disorder? Sometimes when I stand I get so I can't breathe. It's all in my mind, and that drug helps kill the feeling.
The decongestant and such? I currently have 27% or so lung capacity. Untill it gets up to 60% I get to keep the trach. In case I get a cold, right now I don't have the lung power to hork up the smurfs, so they would have to suction through the trach. So these drugs help to open me up, as does a little thing called a Pflex 'Inspiratory muscle trainer' which looks like a kazoo so that's what I call it. It's got a little hole in it, and you (breathe) suck on it, building your lung capacity.
Penicillin? Bladder infection. What can I say... Stuff a hose up there 3-4 times a day something bad's gonna happen.
The blood pressure? That's so when I sit or stand (in a machine, btw, can't by myself) I don't get the super low blood pressure (once was 80/50) and crash and burn. Incidentally the last few days I've been standing for 1/2 an hour in a contraption with an OT named Joe who is really cool- kept me distracted so I didn't crash.
I have my digital camera now so expect pictures of the rickshaw, tilt table, stand contraption, my helmet, and several other things.
We went on an 'outing' today, and I was looking at the trees. Go outside and look at a tall tree. Pick a spot about 70 feet up, and imagine the tree breaking at the base, falling, and that 70 foor mark breaking over my head. It doesn't really seem too bad untill you look at my 'accident' that way, and then I really am lucky to be alive.
In recent news, I'm moving on Monday. I currently have a room-mate who is a really nice guy, but snores like a GAU-8. (for civilians, a wounded jet engine) I talked to the nurses, and they found me a room with a quiet guy. Maybe then I'll get some sleep. It's always a race to sleep, and I usually loose.
13:35 12/23/2001
So there's a thing called dysreflexia where say you can't feel anything below your nipples (or so, like me) and you say... Have a full bladder. Your body will tell you in strange ways like making your arms itch, or you feel wierd, or something like that. Happened to me thismorning when I had a ball up in my shirt behind my back. Happenes when you get dressed in bed and you can't lift yourself off the bed. So anyway, I had the 'drank too much cappacino' feeling, you know, twitchy, gotta go do something kind of feeling. Well, I can't go do something, and I haven't had cappacino thismorning, so something must be wrong. I called the nurse to help me check, (I can't check my legs, not allowed to bend that far) and she convinced me I needed to cath. So, I did, output was below normal at 350 cc's, and that was it. She left. So.....I layed here in bed for awhile, (what else am I gonna do?) and the feeling got worse. I wondered if there was a ball up in my shirt because there has been in previous mornings which we found when we put on my body armor. So I yanked off my shirt as best I could, took a while, I had to roll, reach, and pull, roll, reach, and pull on the other side, etc. After a few minutes, the feeling went away. Interesting. They told us about this sort of thing, but I didn't believe it. Now I do.
11:05 12/25/2001
I have moved! No, No, No, not my legs...Sigh, I have changed rooms. I am now at the other end of the unit, like you knew where my room was to begin with, and slept very well last night, thank you. I have no roommate, so took the bed next to the window, which is open. It's currently snowing a little outside. During the move the nurses were complaining that I have too much stuff- which is true. Not that it's bad, it's just that all kinds of things keep coming in, and nothing ever goes out.
I finally got my trach out yesterday. After several days of horking up smurfballs and complaining, I got someone to look at it. That someone happened to be a resperatory therapist, and she said we would take care of it monday. I divulged that my lung capacity wasn't the greatest, and she said we could work with that. Cool, I thought. So sunday night rolls around, and I can't sleep. Here's what happened. When they move me from bed to the 'wheeled cart of death' sometimes I smack my neck and thus the trach on the person's shoulder. The other end of the trach smacks the inside of my windpipe. Do this enough times, and the lining of the windpipe gets irritated and swells, rubbing against the trach, causing irritation and swelling. Plus, more mucus is made, which I have to hork up. Viscious circle, and I can't sleep. I keep messing with the frigging thing, and the only comfortable spot I can find is with the inner canula loose, so that's the way I leave it. About 2 Joe stops snoring for a minute and I fall asleep. They find the loose trach in the morning (monday), and think nothing of it. I'm done with breakfast and kind of lolly-gagging around in the cafeteria when one of the nurses tells me the doctor is looking for me up at the nurses station, so I wheel myself as fast as I can (which is not very fast) back to find the doctor. When he took the thing out all he did was undo the strap around my neck and pull, out it came. The outer cannula (which stays in all the time, inner comes out and gets cleaned) was pretty nasty, blood and phlem all over it, surely contributing to the catbox smell the whole thing was giving off. Anyway, it's out. I don't have to deal with it anymore. No downsizing, no cleaning, no more aggrivation, and one less piece of metal.
I'm wondering what the person who lit my particular fire is doing today. Did they get cool stuff for christmas? Maybe a new pair of boots? I'll never know, but I'll still wonder. I got breakfast in bed and 3 roxycodones.
22:43 12/28/2001
I've been working on a few things, forefront of which is what kind of wheeled chair I'm gonna ride around in for awhile and where I'm going to go for my second stage. Apparently it can take awhile for the swelling in the nerves to go down and untill then we don't know how much function I will have for the rest of my life. I found one wheelchair I like, and may be ordering it in the next few days. Apparently they make them custom so it takes a few weeks to get what your lookin' for.
I'm looking at various hospitals around the country for the second stage, trying to figure out which one is the best. Some are into research, and that interests me, as they may be further ahead than the others. If you were fighting to walk, wouldn't you want the best help?
Training is still kicking my ass... As I get stronger the weight and reps increase. One guy, Rusty, an ex Marine pilot ( imagine that... Never thought I'd hear 'Say again' again...), has been working with me getting more function into my left arm, amoung other things. He uses explination as we stretch to get me to do it on my own instead of the 'just do it' type training. I find myself stretching the arm here in bed during a movie or some such so I get better faster.
Usually I am done with training about 2 or 2.30, and dinner is at 5.30, so daily I have some dead time. What's Mongo do? Crawl into bed for a nap. Murphy's law is in full effect... Sigh. The days when I stay awake and play on this computer, perfectly quiet, nobody bothers me. Nap days? Every 15 minutes, time to go screw with Mr. Evans. Didja cath at noon? How much? Want some pain pills? Drinka water? Ambulances driving by, loud assesed front desk phone ringing all the time... (I unplugged mine...) Sigh. Rarely do I manage to get a nap before dinner.
Oh yes, we got one bill from UK hospital for the surgery, this one was 22 thousand. Yup, that's $22,000. Before you whip out the donation basket though, it's ok, I'm insured. I'm very curious as to how much the total's going to be to put those titanium rods in my back. More to follow.
21:29 12/31/2001
I ordered my wheelchair today. Gettin' a Quickie Revolution. I've been ridin' around in one for a few days, and although it doesn't fit me as well as mine will, it's pretty good, almost fun. I guess I'm getting used to this 'no legs' kind of thing. Color? black, of cource. I can even sneak better on smooth surfaces in the chair. What would I do once I've snuck? I haven't a clue, but at least you didn't hear me. In a black chair you won't see me either.
I had the opertunity to write a few days ago, and I found out, to my relief, that my writing still looks the same, and more importantly at least to me, my signature still looks the same. It was kinda cool. With all the damage that was done to me, at least one thing is the same.
Yesterday as I was coming back from therapy I happened to see one of the security guards unlocking the side door. I realised that I had seen that exact vision before. FZlashback, deja-vu, whatever you want to call it. Sometimes I dream the future, and usually forget it. What have you dreampt of this week? Anyway, I saw him, recognised what it was, and knew exactly what he would do for the next 15 seconds. That's when I knew I was supposed to be here. Ok, now you think I'm a mental case, oh well. We can blame it on the 'tree to the head' type experience if you want.
I have managed to figure out how to roll over onto my stomach by myself. I can only do it to the right, as the left shoulder is still torn up. I talked about it to the doctor this morning and she's going to give me some pills for it, and if those don't work... Injections. (great! more pain...) I think it just needs some rest and healing but that's never gonna happen here.
There's some sweet chicks here, OT's and nurses, but I'm just a crip patient... Gonna be gone in 3 to 5 weeks... No chance for me. Sigh. Still fun to watch tho. Wonder if I'm ever gonna find a girl in the shape I'm in. Sigh.
The nerve damage in my left arm seems to be getting better ( as the shoulder hurts more and more..) My thumb no longer feels like it's in the flame of a blowtorch, and the rest of the hand is no longer being boiled. Finger tips still have the
pins and needles feeling, overpowering the tactile sensation when I touch something. I have to think that if the arm nerve is getting better, perhapse my spine is getting better too. Every time I go to sleep, while I'm waiting to fall asleep I tell myself "My cord is getting better" and visualise a ring traveling back and forth along the cord dispensing healing energy. I hope that as I fall asleep that game will continue subconsiously. I also play a little game where I tighten my quads. I also do it with my calves and push with my feet. Nothing physical happens of cource, but at about the 40th rep ( I do 50) the muscle group feels like it's getting tired. I told Mike (Psych guy)about it and he was really stoked, telling me that's because there's feedback now. The impulses are going both ways. A very small ammount of them, but they're there. I can only hope for more.
22:08 1/1/2002
As time goes on I expect interest in me and the 'wonderful story' of me to taper off. Hopefully it won't, but that's the way it goes. I expect that in a few months there will be very few people paying attention. The site (this one) being down right now sure isn't helping. So we'll see what's up, next summer or maybe even sooner.
My friend came up with something that perhapse could have prevented my little accident: A radio link between the sawyer and the swamper. Throatmikes and earplug type earphones. Rangers, Seals, CCT and PJ's already have them. Should be pretty easy to get a NSN and order a few. Then, the sawyer and swamper can talk to each other at any time without all the hand waving, yelling, and mis-understanding. Apparently a few people saw the tree falling at me and yelled. Unfortunately, I had earplugs in and a live saw running. I didn't hear them, and almost died 3 times because of it. Had I heard them I could have moved and maybe been missed. So that's the idea. I would chaise it down, getting the NSN's (national stock number), talking to all the 'Shot crews and getting their input, and making it work, but I'm busy trying to convince my body it can walk again. Maybe some high speed individual will pick up this ball and make it work. We'll see.
22:28 1/2/2002
Today something glorious happened. I had an inkleing of this yesterday, and thought I was imagining or the accessory muscles were pulling the skin, or something. How this may have happened: The tightening quads and the spinal cord torus game. Yesterday I happened to have my hand on my left leg as I was playing the tighten quads game. I thought I felt the tinyest movement. Immediately after I thought I was feeling things, so thismorning I asked Rusty to check it out. He confirmed there is movement. I told Kara about it later in the day, she got all excited, and checked the rest of my legs. It appears I have minuscule movement throught my legs. So what am I gonna do? Continue the games of cource. Maybe they are working, maybe not. Maybe everything is healing by itself, maybe it's solely because I'm playing the games. Maybe because I'm drinking Pepsi, not Coke, I have no idea, but I'm happy about it, and hope it continues.
23:29 1/3/2002
Another standard day for physical therapy, untill I learned my prospective 'move out' day will be Jan 18th. That's not to say I will be done or fully recovered by then, just that it's time to take a break and play the 'wait and see' game to see how much function I get back as swelling goes down.
Should I decide to stay here in the Lexington area, get my outpatient therapy at the 'hill (here) and come back in a yet to be determined amount of time for 2nd session, I can. Cardinal Hill will find me lodging and all that. That may be the best option, but as of yet I can't get a straight answer as to how long I have to / should wait for 2nd session. If it's 3 or 4 or more months, back to Cali. Less, I'll know what Kentucky, or at least Lexington looks like.
So I don't know. There's also the possibility of going to a place like Craig Hospital in Colorado. Why? They do research. makes sense that if your researching something you know quite a bit about it. You never know what you have untill it's taken away, and I'd really like to walk again.
One of the guys here was having 'shoot yourself in the head' type pain in his pelvic region- eventually got a CAT scan and learned (to his horror I'm sure) that his implant was broken. It was installed by a hospital in W. Virginia where I would have gone had the UK careflight not gotten me. Last week he went to UK and Dr Blades in a 9 hour surgery removed it and installed a fresh one. Now, the guy is pain free and walking with a great deal of help.
Today Jessica Rice, Dr Blades' asistant, came by to tell me I could have my body armor (a hogmo torso brace, pics soon) off for one hour today, 2 tomorro, 3 the day after, 4... You get it. Now I can bend forward in a sitting position, do all kinds of things I couldn't before. Actually, she said I could have before, because the implant is so strong (I think it's made from 3/8" titanium rods but don't quote me) but the wait was just to be cross your fingers sure. Sheesh I still don't want to move wrong and find somethin round and shiny sticking out of my back!
What else is new today... Oh yes, the site's finally back up, I got in a fight with Network Solutions, gave them 100$ for 5 years, waited a little more than 48 hours, but we're here. The guestbook script is broken, and I'm working on it. I don't have any of my 'how to code' books though, so I'm fatfingerin' and hoping.
00:22 1/5/2002
As you can see by the time, it's 12.22. Why so late? Well, took a nap earlier like a dumbass, and now can't sleep.
We went on an 'outing' today to one of the local steakhouses. Gets us out in the community to deal with all the non handicapped speedbumps. Curbs, heavy assed doors, steps, getting in and out of a car, resturant tables too low... As we cruised into the place I noticed we were the spectacle of the day- People watching us, and I could see some of them wondering if we were retarded. My knees didn't fit under the table so I had to play the screw around move and push your feet game hoping I didn't hurt what I can't feel.
The hospital gave us 5$ for lunch, and as I looked at the menu I was happy I brought my wallet. Otherwise it would have been a bowl of chili for $4.79. What did I have? Motzerella (murdered that spelling didn't I?) sticks and shish-ka-bob. A little spendy for the ammount of meat I thought at 15$ total. Oh well, nice to get away from here for awhile.
One more thing I noticed. Before the event I was 6'6" and 215 pounds with very little fat. Now I'm 4'2" at 175 pounds with no leg function and a growing pot belly. No longer do I look very intimidating. What am I gonna do? Bite your ankles? Roll over your feet? Sigh. Where before I could simply look at someone and they would move away, now I must depend uppon society's good will toward a guy in a wheeled chair. Interesting twist of fate.
00:14 1/6/2002
What's up What's up? It's saturday nite and I'm layin here in my bed (about all I can do...) Up late because I don't have to get up early tomorro. 'Cource they're gonna bring in breakfast about 8 and they're real loud about it, so the plan kinda backfires. Plus, should you want a hot breakfast, ya better eat it then. I kinda like mine hot...
Yesterday before the outing (oh yeah, stop reading if your queasy) I was cathing, and I had all kinds of bullshit on, sweats, a depends, (adult diaper) and mesh 'panties' (hold on the bandage on my almost gone bedsore) and I was sitting in my chair which made it even more of a bitch. So here I am trying to hold back all this elastic w/ one hand and pilot the cath with the other which was virtually impossible. So, I let go of some of the elastic. Bad idea? Yup. I learned about 15 seconds later when I was pushin' in the cath, met resistance, knew it was the elastic pressin' up against my schwanz, and kept pushin. 17 seconds later I was real happy I have no feeling there as blood came up the cath and into the bag. Whoops... So I call a nurse, who freaks out and calls the head nurse, who calls the doctor. The doctor looks at the problem and tells me not to worry, as that section heals alot faster than the rest of the body, and to continue as normal, just expect a little blood. Smiles, lets go on the outing. Next thing I know, one of our male nurses says "lets go to your room and put in a foley". ?What? I ask... The doctor said to continue as usual. Well she told me to put in a foley he says. Shit I think. Once again we have the secrecy issue, where the staff neglects to tell the patient what they are going to do. What happened to informed concent I wonder. That's part of the reason I'm not going here for 2nd session. Anyway, he installs the foley and a legbag- and I go to the outing as planned. A foley looks like this if you are interested. That baloon thing? Keeps that end in the bladder. The other end is attached to the bag. How long do I have to wear it? No idea.
I'm gettin a belly. Before it was rock hard washboard, now I'm the doughboy. Since I have my body armor off now I can try to do some sit ups- if I can get up at all. A) I am probably too weak, will have to do crunches. B) There may be too much back pain. That will wear off with time I guess. For now though, I look like friggin' porky the pig. I guess maybe I'm spendin' too much time in bed also, but there's no gym open when the PT's aren't here where I might go lift, so in bed is where I am.
My prospective 'ok to leave' date is Jan 18th. I'm not gonna leave till the 20th tho, as the 20th is a monday. Why monday? What if I get into a jam and need to know something or need advice? The PT's are here monday, not saturday. I'll be an outpatient, so mI'll be here (so they say) from 9 till 5 weekdays. Thaaats gonna suck I'm thinkin... 9 till 3 with an hour 4 lunch is bad enuf. Gotta convince mom and dad that I need a pad by myself also- else how am I gonna learn all this stuff? What if I have a problem? I'll be able to get to the phone. No, I haven't dealt with a worse injury, but I believe in myself.
So I've been sitting here downloading 'offline browsers' like BlackWidow and WebSnake 'cuz mom wants to print info off the various rehab place sites where I will go after here. The offline browser way I can get the whole site overnite and get lightening fast page loads the next day, cuz a copy of the site is here on my machine. Printing is faster also. I'll also use them to get parts of websites where I want to see the code, and the owner has taken steps to protect his secrets. Anyway, right now Craig is pretty high on my places to go list.
21:59 1/7/2002
My prediction that I would drop out of the minds and memories of people across the land seems to be coming true- My email box does not need emptying quite so often, and the cards and such have dropped from severasl a day to one every few days. The toppage on the site has gone from 214 unique visitors in week 51 to 174 in week 01. Maybe it'll go back up or stay stable, I don't know. Bears watching I guess. This hitcounter is on the 2nd page on the site, so it should count the new visitors, but it has no idea what happens on the rest of the pages.
The 'Hotshot Down' page has gotten 138 unique hits so far this month, and 772 in all of last month. We'll see if they drop. Hopefully I'll get returns, as I keep writing here, hopefully somebody's reading. Incidentlly I got 51,814 non unique hits last month.
In other news I had the body armor off all day today. It feels kinda wierd because I was laying flat for a month, and had the brace on for 5 weeks. I did not have to balance my upper body at all as the brace took care of that. Now that I have it off I'm all noodle and flopping everywhere. Getting better however, I had the brace off for 5 hours today, and had alot of fun flopping around and trying to acomplish everything today. It's good though, helping me regain my balance and strength. I look like the pillsbury doughboy with my belly sticking out- It's because there's no muscle definition there. Today I did about 300 head-ups, as I'm too weak to do one situp just yet. I've gotta do a little less than those weak assed crunches which are so good for me. Tell ya what- If I find out I can still do a sit-up with this implant that's what I'm gonna do. I think I've used up my 'crimes to the body' for quite a while. Anyway, I can feel the abdominal muscles (feeling is slowly progressing down my body) and they hurt like a bastard. Pain is part of rehab like smoke is part of fire. That's why there's roxy and oxy - codone, which still don't hold back that 'stabbed with a very large kitchen knife' type pain.
I keep thinking I'm feeling something in my legs, lower back, seat, schwanz, places where I can't usually feel. It excited me at first, but now I wait to feel something in the same spot twice. Someday I will.
23:42 1/9/2002
I've been out of the brace / body armor / whatever you want to call it ( it doesn't look so mean standing in the corner )for a few days now, and am not such a noodle. Where before I was real twitchy and scared I would fall over, now I just go with it because I trust that part of my body again. Leaning forward is a diferent story though- Those muscles are not quite hooked up and if I loose balance while slowly leaning forward to put on my shoes, I stretch everything in the back, and that boys and girls, can cause a hell of a lot of pain. Doesn't matter what kind of painkiller, the sharp 'got hit in the back with a midieval mace' type pain still comes right through. Left thumb, hand, and shoulder seem to be calming down (where's something wooden) at last. No real mind bending no sleeping pain from them.
Found out I'm leaving here on the 21st, and have looked at a few apartments around here. I'll be in the 'day program' here at the hill for 2 to 6 weeks. Depending on how well I do of cource. Then hopefully off to Craig Hospital in Denver for a month or 2. By then my rehab should be over and I'll either be rolling or walking for the rest of my years.
While my legs spasm and i can cause a picometer of movement in them, I look down at what they are and compare them to what they were- years of training and hardening all undone. The belly- was the village washboard, now a refrigerated dough in a tube advertisement. I can't even sit up. Movement of the leg has to be done with the arms, and the leg isn't light. Sometimes it doesn't bend in the way you want it to go. Often you get it there and it falls off. Frustration and pain, trying to gain, independance after an injury.
I have noticed most of the patients in here were removed from a vehicle or 4 wheeler. There's 2 of us right now who are accidental. Me, and the other guy who had a coal mine collapse on him. I asked our friendly information dude if we had some specs somewhere and he said he'd look. That should be interesting.
21:14 1/11/2002
I lost it today and yelled at the nursing supervisor. It stems from the room temperature. 3 weeks ago when I moved into this room it was nuclear in here. We turned the thermostat down to 40 and nothing happened. We asked the nurses what up, they put in a work order. Meanwhile I have the windows open and am sleeping naked with a sheet. It's great, I have my own field expediant refrigerator. My pepsi's have a nice sheen of ice when I crack them, my mandarins and apples stay fresh longer, and absolutely nothing happens to all the chocolate I have on the windowsill. Twice nurses who had come to the place late and found the doors locked clamored in through my window. The muddy footprints on the floor in the morning? I went for a walk, what of it?
20:08 1/14/2002
Recieved a small amount of bad news today. Seems that when the tree broke my clavicle, it smashed the brachial plexus, a nerve bundle in the shoulder. (pic to left) This caused pain in my arm, hand and thumb, which gradually went away. Only lack of sensation in the fingertips is left.
Climb out of my bed. It's 3 feet off the floor.
Drive my Jetta, it's a stick.
Split some wood. Ever try to swing an ax while sitting?
Bring the unsplit wood into the house. (don't want to mke a million trips)
Get into any of my friends houses. Lots of steps.
Continue to dig the well in the pasture.
Check out the property. Hills.
Get dressed in less than half an hour. (can't %*&^ing stand up)
Ride a snowboard. Hmmm... Best thing ever?
Although the list of things I can't do stares me in the face every moment, I have not lost track of the list of things I can do, and am trying to add things to it every day. I don't dwell too much on what I can't do, but I do wish the spine will heal sometime in the future so I can eventually go back to the life of a hero. Hey- Don't feel bad for me ok? I don't feel bad for me, I deal with it. I spend all of my time trying to figure out how to kick it's ass. I'm gonna kick it's ass, and then happily continue doing all the things I listed above.
23:05 1/15/2002
My feet feel wierd. Like I've been sitting on them for about a week. Wait... My feet feel? Yes they do. However, I could drop a cinder block on them and be none the wiser. It's called a phantom feeling. Makes sleeping great. Remember waking up with a body part not following your consciousness(sp?)? Sucked didn't it?
I just realised, it will be nice to get out of this room with the current roommate. He gets cold easy, so I can't open the window as far. Too hot to sleep, and I have warm Pepsi's. Sigh. He also makes this wierd lip smacking noise all the time, and leaves the tv on while sleeping. Am I too harsh? Maybe. I can get along with just about anyone, but don't annoy me. I find wierd noises and televisions while I'm trying to sleep very anoying.
17:45 1/16/2002
So I'm listening to the backwoods bros, and they're comparing their crashes, the ones which brought them here. ATV, motorcycle, car, whatever. Whoever has the worst wreck and survives is the hero. A classic 'Dude, hold my beer and watch this.' Sigh. That's what we're dealin' with here folks.
23:34 1/17/2002
Had a four alarm freak out today. I was in the gym having just finished therapy for the day, screwin' around, poppin wheelies and watching backwoods bro #1 stare at his dream therapist (ask me about that later) when the local wheelchair guy walks in. He's a nice guy, said he needed to talk to Kara and I, so I followed him over to one of the mats and we began. Seems he couldn't get me a chair because he had talked to someone in Cali (names withheld to protect the innocent), they said they needed 3 bids from 3 diferent providors, and wouldn't flow for the chair. So now I'm leaving in 4 days and may not have a chair to go in. Suggestion? call a vendor in cali, rent a chair, and have them overnite it. Well, tomorrow's Friday and Monday's a holiday so I'm thinkin' I'm pretty screwed. I'm busy chaising my tail trying to find a vendor back home, having no luck... Finally I go in search of my case worker to see if she can help me. I do, ask her how much she knows about the situation, she's been clued in by Kara, and says she'll take care of it. Big breath, panick attack over. I had names and numbers of the big guns back home, phone in hand about to dial the 911, all to find out I didn't need to. Good thing too, turns out wheelchair guy and OWCP lady had a mis-undertanding, chair will be paid for, no need to worry at all. Sigh. All that runnin' around based on 5th hand info when there was no need at all.
My friend (name protected), who happens to work upstairs in a (job protected), stopped by while I was having lunch. No, I didn't know him before. Anyway, we got to talking and he was telling me about a guy he came across in Savanna (Ga) this weekend who was "Queer as a football bat.". I'd never heard that expression before. Took me a minute, as that it rolls off the tongue so well, to realise what he just said. Then I had a mental image of a pitcher underhanding a football at the plate and some poor bastard trying to hit the thing. I was laughing my ass off. Now that I think about it, that may be a way to make baseball a lot more interesting while making shure those poor whiners earn their 30 million a year. Trust me, you whack a football with a bat who knows where it's gonna go. I'd really like to see them trying to throw a guy out at home! I laughed, maybe you will, and maybe (grin) you'll be able to slide that phraise into a conversation of your own.
So, I'll write more about stuff like that, stuff I've seen, and stuff I wish I hadn't soon.
23:20 1/18/2002
Almost got someone in trouble by naming names. Might have hurt a person who has been very friendly to me when he didn't even have to talk to me in the first place, as after all, I'm just a cripple. The names have been removed, and all I have to say is this: If you are offeneded by anything I have written here, or think someone else might be, grow a skin or go away. I am getting ready to hear all kinds of inventive wheelchair related names and see the way people react to the handicapped potentially for the rest of my life. I can take it. I even laugh at it. I may even give someone credit for a particulary inventive phraise, just like I tried to do yesterday. It's not about who they are or what they do, it's the comedy of the statement. In my current position, if I can't laugh I'll probably end up killing myself. So again, if your too shallow to figure that out, go away.
Since then, it's not uncommon to observe him staring at her from across the room, absolutely fascinated. Then the phone rings, and it's his 17 year old wife, wanting to talk about their month old baby...
22:10 1/19/2002
So there's this bike thing in the gym- it looks kinda wierd, wires and stuff layin all over the floor, looked like an early computer on top, and being a technology geek, I was kinda interested in what it did, but that wore off as I never saw it used. Then, last week Kara asked me if I wanted to play around with the e-stim bike. Well not only yes, but hell yes. So... She places these electrodes on my legs, 12 of them, 4 on the glutes, 4 on the quads, and 4 on... what's that other muscle group?... Ya, that one. I get on the bike, and after a small warm-up, away we go. The machine zaps the muscles in my legs in the right pattern, and they pedle the bike. It's pretty cool, I've done it twice so far. Second time I went for 4.5 miles- pretty good for a paraplegic.
21:25 1/21/2002
Outprocessed today. Poked and prodded- can ya move this, try to pull this, don't let me move that. Can't wait to go through the whole thing anew in a few days. Oh well, gets me on the way to better. I have gained enormous muscle mass in the arms since I got here- The left was skeletonised in UK, can see some swoltness now. The bicept on that side, sorry to say, is still gone. Hopefully the nerves will grow back, reconnect, whatever to get the thing going again. I don't wanna look like popeye with big-ol' forearms and little bitty uppers. The arm doesn't hurt any more, neither does the thumb, thankfully. Right arm? Almost back to the former state. Almost. Little more work to be done there.
00:53 1/23/2002
My last night in Kentucky. Flying to Denver tomorrow, to begin the next part of the journey at Craig Hospital. Should be interesting. I'm anxious to compare the two hospitals, not to see who's better, but to see the different ways of accomplishing therapy. I'm looking forward to building myself more, and I have heard they (Craig) can fix my bicept. Should be very interesting. Hopefully not too much electro-stim, having the arm in the light socket feeling isn't too much fun. If it fixes me though, i'll take it. It is truly amazing the pain and stress most of us (cripples) will go through for the smallest ammount of new function.
00:06 1/25/2002
So now I am at Craig in Colorado. First impressions? This place is BIG! There are apparently multiple stages, the more intensive (care) side where I am now, and the independant side where I will be on my own alot more. Here I am in a rather small hospital type room, there I will be in an apartment like setting. I have a roommate here, I don't think I will over there. 'Here' and 'there' are actually across the street from each other, with 2 enclosed bridges connecting them. They're mostly glass, and I can see some viney plants going wild in there, but for now it's just a nice place to get some rays.
12:54 1/26/2002
So here's a kenundrum for ya, and will only happen if your a cripple. Let's say you want something, like say... your clothes so you can get dressed. Now you didn't plan ahead the night b4 and lay them out within reach, and your aide is on his / her day off. So, here's what you have to do. Pull yourself up into a sitting position if you don't have the muscles to sit straight up. Uncover yourself. Don't throw the blankets on the floor where they will trip up your chair. Pick up each leg and move it over to the side of the bed, then push them off, being sure they don't thump the floor. Reach your chair, drag it over to the bed, position it correctly, and be sure you lock the brakes. Now, scoot / hop over into your chair... It's a bad idea to use a sliding board on bare skin, 'specially bare skin you can't feel, so one would have to hop... Remember to put your feet on the footrest so ya don't break something you can't feel. Now, wheel 4 feet to the closet, select your clothes, remember not to clang your feet on the bottom of the closet, put the clothes on your lap, and wheel back. Now, position your chair at the foot of the bed, lock brakes, and take your feet off the foot pedals. Now be aware that every time you move your feet / legs you have to reach down with your hands and move them, and (well at least mine are) the bastards are heavy! Now get ready for a big hop, because the bed is probably going to be higher than the seat of your chair. If ya don't make it you may end up on the floor, and then life's gonna get really exciting... So place your clothes on the bed, being sure that when you get into bed you won't be on top of them, and place your hands correctly for the transfer. One, Two, Three, look, hop. Hopefully if done correctly you'll be in the bed and won't have sent the chair for a loop and whooped yourself onto the floor. So now, grab one leg and lean back pulling the leg into the bed. Try not to hit your head on the bedrail. Now, pull yourself up into a sitting position again, trying not to knock the leg you just pulled into bed... off the bed. Grab other leg, lean back again, (don't hit your head!)and get it up there, while still trying not to knock the other one off. Now, your balled up on the bed, so grab the rail and pull yourself up so your head's at.. well, the head of the bed. This will stretch out your legs, ending the danger of them falling off. So there it is, the 10 minutes of bullshit we have to go through every time we want something. A cup of water, a toothbrush, a Pepsi, anything. Just imagine going through that every time you had to get a beer! So... Why don't you just stay in your chair you say? You want to sit in the same chair all day? I don't. This is, in my not so humble opinion, fucking bullshit. If all I want to do is get up and turn off that dripping flaucet, it shouldn't take 10 minutes. At one time I wished to life past 100. Now, I don't want to. Not like this. No, I'm not gonna get out my .45 and 'end it all' or something dumb like that, mostly because I haven't lost hope. Life's just gonna suck in a chair. Don't give me that 'but look at all you can do' bullshit either. In the words of one of the backwoods brothers- "I don't care what you've done, nobody deserves this". I agree with that, to a point. If you became a cripple while being stupid or committing a crime, you get what you pay for. If your just unlucky, he's right, nobody deserves this. It wouldn't be quite as bad, if by back didn't hurt so bad all the time. I can't wait till I go off the painkillers.
02:20 1/27/2002
I can't sleep. I'm also loosing faith that I'll be able to walk again. Yes, it's only been 3 months and maybe I'll heal. All the people who know anything about this kind of stuff are very guarded... 'Cource they don't want to give false hope.
I want to climb the hill in the backyard. I want to ride my snowboards. I want to go hike, anywhere. I want to be able to get something 4 feet away without a huge dickdance. I want to know when I have to take a piss. I want to write my name in the snow with it, and i don't want to feel like I'm holding someone elses. I don't want to take a shower on a goddam bench. Never want to see another cath kit. I don't want to wake up every 3 hours to turn so I don't get one of these, or have to do pressure relief every 15 minutes. I don't want to spend the day in bed, because I don't want to spend the day in that chair. I wanna be pissed off about the theft of my mountainbike. (if I ever see that bitch-bastard again I'm gonna do nothing, cuz now I'm a cripple.) Oh yes, and driving my Jetta ever again might be nice. Now that I think about it, driving any clutched vehicle again might be nice.
02:16 1/28/2002
Nope, can't sleep again. Thought of a little 'what it's like to be me' thing you can try- hop up on the table or counter or something where your feet don't touch the ground. Without leaning back, take your pants down. Accomplish that? Ok, pull 'em back up and get 'em buckled. Isn't that a bitch? Do that every day for bowell care. Someday if you're lucky (or not) I may write about that, but it's not very glamorous. Just one other thing that has changed.
19:25 1/30/2002
I had a MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) today- One of my head and another of my back. Apparently the Dr's here are curious as to what's in there, as am I. I asked them if there was a chance of getting a few of the images, I was going to put them up here, but apparently that is not possible. File format incompatabilities and such- pretty much a dance the tec's weren't willing to go through. A few days ago they took a whole new set of x-ray's and when I get the new camera I'm gonna take pics and put them up here also.
The second day, which was today, I missed half of the class because of the MRI, which was over at Swedish (hospital) which is connected with an underground tunnel to us. Sure beats the van ride from the 'Hill to UK for something... No wait uppon arival either! Anyway, we played 'Go ball' today. It goes like this: Take a basketball court, a duct taped nerf football, and a bunch of crazy chair bound individuals. Make sure everyone's belted in, cuz there's gonna be tips. There's a mat on the wall behind each basket, and order to score you must have all 4 wheels in the 'foul square' underneath the basket and hit the mat with the ball. All players on the team must touch the ball before a point may be scored, and each person can only score once untill all score, then it starts over again. When a score is made, the scoring team 'kicks off' (throws the ball at) the others. Kicking team has to stay behind the mid-court line untill the ball is touched, (by the catchers) but if you can hit one of them with the ball, it's game on. A pretty cool game, and fun. Oh yes, when a player has the ball in the lap, you can't take it, but when they go to throw it or hold it you may try. When I rolled in the place smelled like chordite from the aluminum hand rails on the tires rubbing together during fast action. Definately a bad idea to let your hands be caught in there! I'm gonna be sore tomorrow though- pushed my ass off during that game. A cool trick- one of the guys can go flying along, pop up into a wheelie, and spin 180 or 360 and come to a dead stop when his front wheels hit. I'm gonna have to learn that one. He can walk, but was injured (I don't know how) and spent some time in a chair while recovering.
23:59 1/31/2002
Pain is glorious. It's absolutely wonderful. It tells you you're still alive. Embrace the pain. Ya, whatever. That's bullshit and we both know it. The medication I'm on (oxycontin) manages to reduce the constant pain to almost nothing. That's great for when I'm just sitting around, but uppon movement, especially in the morning, we get into whole new realms of 'gee I shouldn't have done that' type pain. Not quite 'shinned the ball hitch' type, but pretty close. Why do I tell you about this? because almost every time the nurse brings me the bucket 'o pills she wants to know "How's the pain". Had I not been through life as a TACP in the Military, then slowed down a little and became a Hotshot, I'd be having a lot more trouble with the pain. For me anything short of blowing a knee is simply 'press on and it will go away' type. So what. So my back hurts, and it spikes when I move. So my level of discomfort is a hell of a lot higher than yours right now. I've gotten used to it, and it's "normal" for me now. I only notice it when I pay attention. I can deal with it, and I don't want to hear the 'poor you' either.
02:57 2/2/2002
Yup, it's late again. Seems like I do most of this in the middle of the night. Anyway, I crawled into bed at about one today and slept 'till 11. Well, slept as best I could. Seems I managed to get myself a urinary tract infection, which the Doc is treating me for, but in the mean time life really sucks. My spasms are inordinately strong, and are triggered by almost any movement. All of my muscles feel as they have been injected with acid- I'm allright if I don't move, but as soon as I do I get that 'really bad idea' burning pain. I do believe this is the worst I have felt, ever. Nursing has been kind enough to bring me some Roxycodone, and the pain has gone away for now. I can't wait for it to wear off though...So after all that sleep this afternoon, I may be awake for awhile.
23:34 2/3/2002
Ok. Feels like someone has taken a piece of plywood, cut it to shape so it fits from my scapulae to my waist, and nailed it to my back. Then, take a couple seatbelts and run them around my (new looks like a) beergut, and sinch 'em down tight. Then, take mmmmm, muriatic (32% hydrochloric) acid and inject it into all joints, but pay special attention to the elbows. Someone has taken my neck and slept with it in a ball, it's quite painful to turn or move my head. Oh yes, and lets not foret the bladder, or at least the general location thereof. You know the feeling when you drink waaaaay too much the night before, wake up late, and have to go reeeeally bad? Times that by about 10. I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but it feels like there's a load in my pants. A big one. Has felt like that for about 36 hours. There's nothing there, trust me, I've been checkin' but it feels like it. My back doesn't bend like it did, and not just because of the implant. The lower part is still supposed to bend, and it doesn't. All I have at the moment is the waist. Spasms? I've been havin' some bitchin' ones lately. Almost flipping me out of the chair, out of bed, or just around in general. I've got to be quick to grab something at times or it seems like I'm going to be on the floor. The moral? Do not ever get a urinary tract infection. They suck, bad.
20:15 2/6/2002
The infection and with it alot of the pain are on the way away. At least I think so. Went down and saw the urologist .... Tues? the day Mom and Dad left for home. He took a gander up the 'ol schwanz and into the bladder, and said all was well. He then told the nurse to flush the bladder out, and introduce 80mg of erythromycin, leaving it in. Now this is interesting to me, because I am allready on rifampin, ampicillin, and bactrim for the same infection. So, one theory says that by throwing all these drugs at an infection, it will be wiped out quickly. The other theory is resistant infections will be created. Where is the best place to catch a resistant infection? The hospital. Sigh, so hopefully I have not become a breeding ground for a superbug.
02:07 2/15/2002
No update for a while... Here's why: I have Win XP on this laptop, and I've been playing with the operating system a little, killing stupid things like msn messenger, the dog in search, bubble alert anoyances, and other silly things built to awe MSN / AOl zombie types. So, I'm trollin' around looking for tips, tricks, and registry hacks, and I come across a way to change the startup screen. So, I tried it. XP kinda didn't like that and refused to start after. All I needed was a 98 or ME start disk to get into DOS and change the files back, but I couldn't get one. The IT guys here couldn't work on it because it's my machine, and here in sue happy america they were afraid. I wouldn't sue, but they were worried, and I understand their situation. So, I had to wait for my software to get here from Cali so I could fix this thing. I reloaded the thing, in the process loosing ALL my files, mp3's, everything. I have to download and crack everything again, but I'm geting close to operational.
00:06 2/17/2002
So I'm just layin' around today, watching TLC and Discovery, pokin' around the 'net, sleeping, and sucking down some Cherry Garcia. (That's Ben and Jerry's ice cream, if you're from Tusnia or someplace...) What else do I have to do? Nothin'. I've noticed in the last few days my zipper has been itchy. I don't know if something's going on with the scar tissue, all the muscles under there are healing, bone's growing around the implant, or all of the above.
A: Yup, a 'loose' back is better. The muscles in the left side are very tight, and are pulling my posture to that side, causing a bend in the spine and all kinds of other problems. I think it's the temp of the water which is the theraputic part, not the wet or chlorine. Yup, heating pads would have the same fx.
A: Still waiting on the swelling. Apparently it can take up to 2 years for spinal cord damage to heal, if at all. So it's just a big waiting game, dealing with what I have and trying to do the best I can.
A: Yup, sure is. 8 Mar, they say. Set in jello though, things can change.
A: There are no voodoo spine treatments available here, at least none that I am aware of. (been told about) Without saying that Craig is better than anywhere else, it's just different, I am getting alot of things, foremost the 'advanced wheelchair class', one hour a day of wheelies, curb hoppin, stairs, endurance, and wheelchair games. It's great. When I get home I'll be an out patient of some doctor, probably in Reno. But I don't know about that just yet.
A: I think I can call here and ask a PT or OT, but I'm not sure. I'll find out b4 I go. I don't know about the list, I'll ask. Do I want to go home? Not really. Seeing all my friends will be nice, but seeing all the things I can't do anymore won't. Getting in the house I'll pass my new saw and my 4 custom made for me snowboards. I'll get into my room, and my bed's 3 feet off the ground. That would be one hell of a leaping transfer to get into that bad boy. It's gonna suck, but I'll get over it I guess, I don't have a choice.
A: Yup, gonna have to get a car. The Jetta's a stick, and I can't work a clutch anymore. Good thing I spent $800 getting a new clutch put in it while I was in KY. I gave it to the mechanic before we left figuring it would be fixed by the time I got back. Well it is, but I can't drive it. Sigh. So yeah, I need an automatic. I'm thinking about a 2 seater, because I rarely have a copilot anyway.
School? Hell yes I'm going to school. How else am I going to be able to pay for the care I'm gonna need for the rest of my life? I can't move heavy stuff any more, cut timber, dig holes, build decks, alot of things walkers can do i can't. Sure I can try, but it would take longer than it's worth, better to pay someone to do it instead. So, hopefully an engineering degree. Then I can bring all the adaptive (making life easier for us cripples) ideas I've been having to fruition, and become a billionaire.
20:29 2/26/2002
So no update for a while... Yup, I'm still alive, doing allright, no (new) major problems.
First one is for all of us smart asses: t shirts printed with something like "legs broken, mind ok". The average person on the street wonders what's wrong with the mind of someone in a chair. Usually it's nothing. Another is printed on the back, upside-down: "If you can read this, please tip me back over". I'm currently wearing one from Hot Topic which says "Oh Crap! You're going to try to cheer me up, aren't you?" I bought another: "Keep staring, I might do a trick". I figure if I can't laugh at and have fun with my condition, I better shoot myself, because life isn't going to be any fun.
Next? Yup, I've got another. It's a little tricky to explain, so stay with me. In the picture to the left is a common wheelchair wheel. (click it to see better) The problem? They're not very fast, and have only one speed, which is as fast as I can push it. To move, I push on the push rim, an aluminum tube mounted on the wheel. Now if I push one foot, the wheel moves one foot. Thanks to momentum, I can drift for a bit, but then I have to push again. My idea is to adapt a bicycle 3 speed hub to a wheelchair. It should be the kind of hub where all the gearing is internal, and as light as possible. The push rim would be attached to the hub with spokes or something, and the spokes of the wheel would have to be covered with a light weight plastic disk making it impossible to catch the fingers between the two sets of spokes, avoiding broken fingers. The gear selector would be mounted somewhere on the chair, possibly where the break lever would usually be. The selector wire would of cource have to be split into 2, to actuate each hub at the same time. With 3 speeds, it would be much easier to climb a hill in first gear, cruise around in seccond, and get some speed in third.
20:54 2/27/2002
My ass hurts. Kinda cool because it's not supposed to hurt, but then not because of why. No, don't get excited, there have been no nocturnal visits from the 'ether bunny'. I believe it has to do with the amount of coffee I consumed yesterday. Using the theory of liquid in = liquid out / time, 6 to 8 hours after I consume 500 ml of coffee, it will be trying to get out. The problem? I can't feel it trying to get out. I just have to guess when it's ready, and then get one of these. This one's allready full, about 500 ml worth. That's about ther maximum a person wants in the 'ol bladder, otherwise you get pesky bladder and kidney infections. I allready know bladder infections suck, I can just imagine the kidney type. So anyway, I sucked down quite a bit of coffee last night, then went to sleep. Woke up thismorning, and found a wet spot in the bed. What the hell happened? Well, I suspect all that coffee was trying to get out, and I didn't feel it. So I 'leaked'. I don't know how many hours I spent laying in that wet spot, but it must have been awhile because the skin of my ass is pretty unhappy. So I'm happy I can feel the pain, but unhappy because of why. Note to self: Whence you have filled up, set the alarm to wake up and empty.
I'M GETTING FEELING BACK!!!
Not alot, but any is welcome, even if it's pain. Don't get too excited tho because I still can't move anything more this week than last week. There's a smidgin more hope tho.
On to more ideas... See the chair to the left? It's a tennis chair. I tried one of these out last friday, and nearly kicked my own ass. Because of the cant of the wheels, it's real easy to push, and turns on a dime. There's a single not removable tip bar welded to the back making it impossible to flip over, and the teeny casters help it to turn so schweetly. So I pushed across the gym, leaned back, and stopped one tire. The chair zipped a 180 so fast I nearly fell out. Scared the hell out of me. So why don't we all wear chairs like it? Well, 99% of the doors in the world are built for walking, not riding, and the wheel cant makes it so the chair won't fit through. Here's the idea: Break the axle tube in the middle, and build some kind of hinge / ratchet action there in the middle, and a sliding hinge where it crosses the sides of the chair. Then, add a handle which can be pushed or pulled, sticking up between the legs. When the handle is pushed it will bring the cant of the wheels up to 90 with respect to the floor and pull them in close to the chair, making it possible to make it through a normal width door. Once through, pull the handle and the wheels will snap back to their former zippy cant. A schweet chair that fits in tight places. Sound cool?
22:28 2/28/2002
Andy Mead, a reporter from the Lexington (KY) Herald-Leader is flying out here to Craig to interview me. Apparently I have become the anti - arson poster boy in eastern Kentucky, where apparently the thing to do on Friday nights is get a case (of beer) and shoot bottle rockets into the woods. 'Cource not everyone out there's doing that, but it only takes a few.
He has emailed me a list of questions to think about, which I intend to 'first blush' answer here. The answers may or may not get a little polish before I have to answer them for real next week.
10 to 11 usually is open, 11 to 12 is chair class. I have learned quite a few tricks in the chair class... Wheelies, curb hoppin', stairs, (up and down) steep ramps, doors, almost everything a walker can do I'm not too far behind.
12 to 1 is lunch. Food's even pretty good.
1 to 2 is patient education class, where we learn about skin care, bowell care, traveling by air, nutrition, psychological aspects.....
3 to 4 is OT, I do some strength training, cooking, store runs, and check out ideas for 'adaptive living'. (Don't put the pizza box on your lap on the way home just 'cuz you can't feel the heat)
Home is a little town 70 miles or so north of Lake Tahoe in California. I'm not sure what being there's going to be like. Frustrating, because all the evidence of what I could do is there. Interesting to try and see what I can still do. Nice because I know I can get up the stairs into my friends' houses. Anoying because the local terrain is definately not wheelchair friendly.
In alot of the terrain Hotshots find themselvs in getting killed is a lot better possibility than 'just' getting injured. We go into the steepest most difficult terrain because it's what we train for. Should our attention wander, it's not too hard to fall off the cliff, or slip and go for a nice ride down the hill, then off the cliff.
I still think alot, but now it's about chair or mobility improvements instead of rocket engines, computer mods, or woodsplitter designs.
Hits? Last month 54,266 and 251,617 since Jan 2K1.
22:16 3/1/2002
I'm still working on the interview questions Andy sent. The answers may change as I think and / or reread them, and new answers may appear in the next few days. It's the weekend, and I don't intend to have much to do. I'm still thinking, and find that I have alot more time to think now than in my previous life. Aluminum casting and machining, wheelchair accessories, propane burners, the thermodynamics of pizza, accessability of damn near everything, what I'm gonna do about a car, how much liquid have I consumed today, when did I cath last, how much was it, what color, and how many floaties did it contain. One thing I have not tackled yet is how to bring my creations to fruition. I'm fairly good at thinking up cool stuff, but I'm unsure as to how to have it made. Unfortunately I don't have a CNC machine in the garage, or most of my problems would be solved.
On the left is a recumbant handbike. The front tire is about the normal size of a wheelchair tire, 24 to 26 inches. The back tires are about 12 to 16 or so inches. On the right is a thumbnail of a chair I saw in the gym today. It's got superhog winter tires and scissor brakes. The brakes are hard to see so I put a box around one of them. As you can see, one has to reach over the tires to get to the pushrims. Now let me ask you something. When you hork up a smurf and spit the cute little guy out, where's it land? When it snows, where's it land? When I fall out of my chair, where do I land? the answer to all 3 is on the ground. Why do I care? Well, when I push, my hands drag on the wheels. Anything I run over (horks, snow, mud, grass clippings, dog suprises...) sticks to the tire and soon transfers itself to my hand.
So here's what you have been waiting for: (trumpet noises...) The Idea! Take the pushrims off the wheelchair, and the back wheels off the bike. Shrink the pushrims to... 22 or even 20 inches, and mount them within easy reach. Now notice the image to the left- it's an axle for a chair, this one happens to be made of titanium. They're hard to see, but at the upper end are 2 litle balls stickin' out. Push in the lower end, the balls retract, and you can get the wheels off the chair, making it easier to get the thing in the car. So, we put splines on each end of the axle. The middle is left smooth to mate with the bearings. One set mates with the splines on the hub of the pushrim, the other mates with the splines in the to be invented gearbox. The gearbox? 3 speeds? 6? 20? who knows. I'll have to build one and see. So then the bike wheels are attached with the same kind of splined axle, and they can be smaller than what's normal now because they're motivated by the gearbox. One of the advantages is whatever you run over doesn't get on your hands.
21:14 3/2/2002
So I may have another UTI. (urinary tract infection) The jury's still out, we just sent a sample to the lab 2day, but it sure feels like it. The spasms are actin' up a bit also, another warning flag. I'll know for sure tomorrow, when we get to see which little critters are swimmin' around in there.
21:55 3/4/2002
So did you have a good day? I did! Check it out:
I awoke at about 7, and ordered 10 mg of roxycodone, because I do have an UTI. (Feels like I slept in a red ant nest... Everything, including my eyelids, hurts.) There are apparently 3 different brands of critters trying to take up residence in my bladder. I fell back asleep figuring I would awake when the nurse made her delivery. The plan was to knock back a couple painkillers, sleep about an hour while they kicked in, then get up and dressed. So..... About 8:10 the nurse comes in and wants to know if I'd rather take Tylenol because roxi is so powerful. So now I'm in quite a bit of pain, have to get up, and I'm about to be late. I convince her to let me have the roxi, as I think to myself " if I wanted friggin tylenol, I would have asked you for it." She feeds me the pills, and leaves. I sit up, and realize I 'leaked' during the night, and have been laying in a gigantic puddle of piss for who knows how long. Sigh. I get dressed, and in the process of getting into my chair to go in the bathroom to empty what's left, I leak again. Now I'm cussin', because I'm in pain, behind schedule, and I have to change. So I drain myself, crawl back into bed, and while I'm trying to change I get the standard 'knock on your way in the door' type entrance of one of the therapists. I'm pretty pissed (figuratively and literally) by now so I got a little snarly. I finally get my friggin pants on and go get coffee. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but while I was cleaning the urinal, I managed to empty the catheter into my coffee. Guess what the catheter was full of? Yup, piss. Oh yes... While the nurse was still in my room during pill delivery she wanted to check my backside for skin problems, found a red spot, and flipped out. So now I get to look forward to documentation... Yup, they're gonna take pictures of my ass. Anyway, It's 10 to 9, I have class in 10 minutes, I've dressed myself twice, pissed myself twice, and STILL haven't managed to suck down any coffee. (Was waiting for it to cool when it was contaminated...) No time to do the hair, install conatcts, brush teeth, or anything else.
PT was uneventful, nothing too terrible happened there... I came 'home', gathered up all my laundry, and went to the wash. Sucked down a Red Bull in preperation for chair class... Come to find out we have 2 new therapists for chair class... I guess they rotate every couple of months. Well, they don't know us, we don't know them. I freak them out by not having my wheelie bars installed... Sigh. We practice one curb, that's it. The class went from exciting look forward to it to a complete flop- today it sucked.
For lunch my choices were a big enough to be used as a weapon turkey leg or baked cod. Not very exciting and not gonna touch it. I manage to piss all over myself again during lunch, so it's time to change again. Sigh.
During my re-entry education class I hear all kinds of government help anacronyms like SSI and SSDI and OWCP and I got dizzy trying to sort it all out. You may qualify for this if you have assets of less than this but not over that
In other news, to make a long story short because I'm tired and want to fall asleep, but still have to get a picture of my ass taken before I can, found out today that my chair had been approved a week ago, but somehow neither Craig or Quickie found out untill today. Now I get to spend an extra week here while my chair is made and shipped. I have been led to believe this place costs $2,000 a day, that may not be correct, but whatever it costs, you, yes you the taxpayer get to pay for me to be here for another week. Don't worry, it's not like the food's bad or anything. Well maybe on 'turkey leg and cod' day...
Oh yes... I also need a note from the doc saying what I can and cannot do with my type injury in order to get $$ for home modifications. Apparently I'm the test pilot because the particular kind of workman's comp hasn't ever dealt with an injury as bad as mine. I guess all the other people got better, and at this point I figure get ready because I may live another 30 to 40 years, and odds are I'll be a cripple the whole time.
23:51 3/6/2002
Big update tomorrow... Lots of pics (Thanks, Pete) A few storys, and maybe some comedy. I'd do one tonite. but I'm too tired. Still sick, I'm on enough pain meds to kill a fairly large animal. I'm doing better than a few days ago, trying not to think about all those things. They are always with me, I just try to repress them. Your emails... All of you who have written- I read every one, just don't have time to answer them all. So just because you don't hear back doesn't mean i have forgotten you or don't want to hear about your life. Someday soon I plan to sit down (ha ha ha.. I wish...gotta sit all the friggin time now... sigh) and answer the 147 mails I have at the moment.
Allright, alpine13 out of service untill 0700.
Ok, so. Why are there pics of the driveway? Toldja there was 1/4 mile of gravel to check the mail... Can you imagine pushing a friggin' wheelchair through all that gravel? I better start at 7 am so I can get to the boc by noon, and back to the house in time for dinner. Not to mention what's going to happen to my arms and shoulders after a few months. Arms are built to carry stuff, not to walk on.
Seccond-> My room. The bed I made by hand, 4 months of work, I can show you the stump in the yard where the tree was which donated the wood for the bed. The matterss is 36" off the floor, making it damn near impossible for me to get into now. All the boxex on it are stuff I've ordered online since Oct 31. Underneath it are mostly computer guts, as with under the desk. ANyway, that's my bed. I built it for me, 4' wide and 8' long. Unless I cut the legs off (Ha! I have thought about getting my own legs removed... What the hell? They're just pain in the ass dead weight now.) I will never sleep in it again.
Next-> Me, here at Craig, in the Colors 'Boing', a full suspension chair. Cool, but heavy. Check the busted teeth.
Next-> See any red spots? Neither do I. Yup, they take pictures of every damn thing when they think a pressure sore is iminent(sp?). Check that rock though! 'Cource if my wife was as hot as this nurse she'd have a rock that big too.
Next-> Whaddya think's goin on here? Yup, foaley instalation. We're not allowed to do it ourselves....
Next-> A prototype poster made for me by the folks in KY. The whole idea is an inexpensive way to get the word out that arson kills more than trees. WE're working on the next generation, which if I have my way will be quite a bit harsher... So the average joe walking away after reading it says to himself "wow... that guy almost died and 'sgonna be screwed up for the rest of his life... That's gotta suck". It does suck, in case you haven't noticed. Anyway, stay tooned for new poster designs.
Next-> All my friggin pills. DOn't hurt yourself, that pic's kinda big. You can read the names of some of them tho. I feel like an old lady every time I'm chokin' down the current dosage. Oh yes... It's all of these PLUS the oxycontin they have to keep locked up and the trimoxacillin or something I'm on for the UTI.
This next one is very important so please pay attention:
This image is what the therapists use when we first get here and again when we leave to help them determine the level of injury. Please refresh yourself with this image, and remember my 'level of injury' as we call it is T5. Now comes the special part. While you are looking at the "sensory test" image, find T5 on there. Now, sad as it is to say (I'm gettin teary eyed just thinkin' about it) I cannot feel ANYTHING below the T5 line. Not on the skin at least. I also do not have ANY useful muscle function below that line. Sure I can twitch my abs and quads, and if I really pay attention all the rest of the muscles in my legs, but the movement's so small it shouldn't even count. At least I'm not one of those poor bastards with a C2 or 3 break. I believe Mr Reeves (ex Superman) is a C3. Those guys need to be fed, cleaned, cannot breathe for themselves, or move anything but their eyes. I digress however. A few days ago I recieved an email from a snug friend who asked, after reading how I was leaking all over the place, if that's what constitutes a 'wet dream' for me now. Sadly, it is. (slight pause while I cry again) Yes. No feeling, No function. I've tested it. Not even having a beautiful young lady sleeping beside me caused anything to happen. The wires are broken folks. So hopefully now by looking at the spine map and that chart you know what it really means when someone says "I'm a T12".
Ok, (wiping saltwater off the keyboard) It's a good thing I haven't lost any of these, or I'd really be in trouble. They are a gift from a friend in KY, and I keep them with me all the time.
For my last trick, this thing's a 'grip-o-meter'. You squeeze it one handed, and it tells you how strong you are, in pounds. Look carefully on the dial for the little wire... It's pointin' right at the 70. That's kilograms, and everyone should know there are 2.2 pounds in a KG. So my right hand grip strength in units us backwards behind the rest of the world americans can understand? 155 pounds. THe highest my OT has ever measured, and she's been here 8 years. Made me do it twice and whatched me the seccond time. The grip in my left? A moderate but still bone breaking 120 pounds. Flash back to my first days at Cardinal Hill when it was 3 yes 3 pounds. I've traveled a good distance huh?
Here, click this and laugh. I did.
Goodnite, all.
13:28 3/9/2002
What a life. Can I please have another hill to push myself up? How about another trip to the floor? Maybe a couple few transfers a day? I'm not doin so well (mentally) here folks. Now don't flip out and start callin' Dr Greber- It's the weekend and I'm sure he's got fun stuff to do. He doesn't need to come in here to talk to me. I'm not going to throw myself off the parking garage. The wall on top is too high and I can't climb over it. Plus, my luck I'd live... With a C1 or 2 fracture... On a vent, not able to talk, just able to move my eyes. That would really suck.
Had I known what life was going to be like now, back when I was first injured, during those 2 times when I almost died, I would have told them not to use inordinate measures to keep me alive. Yup, I just said it, I would have rather died then than live like this now. I feel that I have physicly died- I can't do any of the things I could in my previous life. Unfortunately my mental side remembers it all. My dreams in that life are no more. Skydiving? Oh sure, I want to rip the implant out of my back. Living on the Middlefork of the Feather River for a summer to see what it was really like in the 1800's? Sure, I can still do that. Flying? Driving a stick? Holding my chainsaw or riding one of my 2 custom made snowboards? Yup, let's go. Back then I hoped I would live a long time. I was even a little excited about it, hoping I would have the time to do all the (physical) things that interested me. Now? Not anymore. Think about it. Would you want to be in pain every waking moment? Have a useless lower body you have to drag around with you? Ironicly a few months ago one of my friends had to have a leg removed, as it was full of cancer. I would gladly give her one or both of mine- at least someone would get some use of them.
I'm to the point where I no longer believe I'm going to get any more feeling / function back. I no longer move my quads a bunch of times b4 I go to sleep, nor do I do the torus around the cord game. I don't care. I've been sleeping alot, trying to get away. Am I depressed? Hell yes. Think about my situation..... Wouldn't you be a little depressed? Hoping you don't live very long? Wondering what's next? All you religious folks are saying "you'll go to heaven". No offence, but I don't want to. That sounds boring. I want to travel. I want to see the secrets of the deep ocean, the center of the universe, other worlds... Anyway, now that you all think I'm gonna load up the 'ol .45 (it's a Sig Sauer) with hollowpoints and see what that will do to the human head, calm down. All of you who know me... Doya really think I'd do something like that? Come on... I'll just live with my pain, and cuss alot more than before.
In a little side note, I was done on the toilet, (someday maybe I'll tell you how we get to take care of "#2"... It doesn't happen by itself anymore, we have to help. Sigh.) Went to transfer back into the chair, spasmed, missed, and ended up on the floor. Nothing spectacular, just a slow controlled slide. So here I am, pants down around my ankles, (I get in the bed to pull 'em up, it's impossible to do sitting) on the floor. I tried to pull myself up, but I'm not strong enough. I know how to get back in the chair, but it's really a bitch, and the way I do it if I slip I'm really gonna go down hard, backwards. So I pulled the string, and asked for some 'lifting help'. Took 3 of 'em to lift me into the chair again. Then... Sigh, Nursing hears about it and freaks... Comes in wanting to check my feet, knees, ass, shoulders, head... I finally convince her I'm fine, and she starts in on how we're gonna have to talk to PT about teaching me to get back in the chair. I know how, I'm just too weak to do it. What am I gonna do when I get home? Well I'll figure something out. Here, it's easier to ask for help. That fall makes it #15 in the floor check colum... I figure if you don't fall a few times your not trying hard enough.
So anyway, when I finally do die, with my luck I'll go through this daily bullshit torture for 50 or 60 more years... (sigh) No embalming please. Keep me the hell away from that undertaker guy. What if you can feel the removal of blood and instalation of 'embalming fluid'? 'Ol boy sewing my lips into a smile? No thanks. Can you feel anything when your dead? Who knows... far as I know nobody's come back to tell us all about it. I have enough pain while alive... Don't need it when I'm dead. Please don't bury me either- Stick me in a cave in Arizona or some other dry place, or sink me in a peat bog. Why? I want someone to find my body in 10,000 years. My bones and the implant, at least. They'll study me, and be amazed by the contraptions we used to 'fix' broken teeth and backs. Won't they find me in the cemetary? Have we found any cemetarys from Troy? Those pyramids in Mexico? Any of the other multithousand year old cities we have found? No.... But we have found 5k year old bodies in peat bogs and 10k+ year old bodies in nice dry caves. So that's my wish. Call me wierd, whatever. I don't care.
01:15 3/10/2002
My back's been hurting like a bastard, up where the implant's buried. I asked the nurse, since they're so infatuated with taking pics of every damn thing, to take a picture of it. (it's 1571K @ 634x845 pixels so ya might not want to look, Kelly...) I can't see it any other way. No pesky red spots. Nothin' out of the ordinary at all, except that gigantic zipper. So why does it hurt? Who knows. I must have really pissed off the kahrma gods in my previous life, and they've finally found me.
Mentally I'm doin' a little better than thismorning, toldja I wouldn't jump... Mostly because I haven't thought too much about the current physical situation. Someday I'm gonna wake up, and it'll all be a dream...
Oh yes. I don't know why, but to my knowledge I have not dreamed since Oct 31. Drug induced halucinations in the ICU don't count... There's no way I was driving the Mod, got stuck in traffic, walked around the corner and crawled into my hospital bed. Nor did I fly in from Perth in a 767 staying in the private captain's cabin with his family. Sure would like to have that toy his kids were playing with though... Some kind of 3d realtime map of anyplace on the planet, 'cept in monochrome. Apparently I spent 2 days with them, getting to travel in their cabin because I was so sick. I also was shipped somewhere in a freight aircraft- Spent about a day in a warehouse waiting to leave, sometimes watching people sneak by silent as rats poking into the crates and stuff to be shipped with me. I asked one of them (a female) for a cigarette, all she had was some used chew in a glass jar. I passed. Waking sleep, in some kind of bed, twilight sort of light with beams of light sneaking in through cracks around the 'overhead' type doors. Sometimes they would roll up a little and the people would get in... I just watched and hoped they weren't going to do something to me. No idea why I didn't get up and try to escape- too sick I guess. I wonder if that was during the real world time when they had to tie me to the bed because I was flippin' out, swingin, cussin, and pulling out hoses / iv's and such. Those memories are as true feeling and vivid as any others I have. No possibility of them being real though.
01:46 3/10/2002 and time for sleep... Can't wait to wake up to screaming ball up and hope to die type pain in the morning.
11:56 3/10/2002
Yup, as predicted, had some very exciting pain thismorning.. Right bicept, tricept, deltoid. Left tricept and deltoid, bicept probably would have, but I still don't have one. Hard sunburn type around the 'ol 'spare tire'... Can't feel anything else there.. Sigh. 'I've been shot' type in the upper back. That's all standard, what I get to look forward to every morning. I'd love someday to wake up pain free, if only for 5 minutes, then it can come on strong.
1. For some reason it will click a link by itself. I turned off the 'mouse hover for 2 seconds click it' option, but it's still doin' it. Not all the time either, seems to click stuff at random.
2. I usually have several windows open at the same time. Parallel processing, I guess. Now sometimes when one window finishes loading, it will jump in front of all the others, especially annoying when you're trying to type something. Windows may include but are not limited to: Notetab light, Netscape 4.79, winamp, thumbsplus, paint shop pro.
If you know how to fix these problems, please hook me up with the clue.
First age group would be grade school children. "Fire kills more than trees", pictures of animals who live in the woods, and what happens to them when the forest burns. The chipmunk who starves because he can't find food. The fish who die because the creek is choked with ash. The deer who die from smoke inhalation. The possum trapped in a tree and burned. (possums hang out in tres right? We don't have 'em out here in the west) You get the picture. Little kids like animals- furry bunnyrabbits and such. If we get to them when they're young, we can make an impression and maybe eventually have less fires. The kids also may make an impression on the parents- "I saw a poster today mommie..."
Seccond age group target would be 15 or so and up. On one side of the poster a pic of me before, other side after. Just like the current prototype poster, but harsher. Pics like this or this. I think I have some more ICU pictures I'll have to dig up and scan when I get home. Anyway, the top "I'm burnt out on Arson" would read "Arson almost killed me". A little story in the middle which I'll write sometime today I hope, and a list of the injuries I sustained. We have to add 'torn posterior cruciate ligament' to the list, I found out last week. Other buzzfrazes (is that a word?) such as "1 month in the UK ICU." "5 months in rehabilitation." "whatever the number is currently in medical bills." I wonder if we've passed 300K yet... I'm going to take pics of all the current x-ray's, maybe put a few like this along the bottom. "....because I was severly injured while fighting an arson fire" would read something to the effect of: "When a tree fell and crippled me on a fire." The poster has to be hard hitting. Harsh enough that anyone reading it will do nearly anything to stop the arson problem.
Next idea? A reward. To get it started, I will personally give up $500 of my own money to anyone causing the arrest and conviction of an arsonist in southeast KY. Calling and reporting arson because it's morally correct is one thing. Calling to make a report because there's $500 in it for you is a completely different animal. Now how do we get the ball going? Here's the idea. I don't know what's up in KY but on the Plumas during certain times we have "Stage 3 fire restrictions". Should you have any source of ignition in the woods (camp fire, domestic leaf / rubbish burning, cigarette) and your caught, your ass is grass and your getting a fine. Plus should any supression be sent, you get the bill. A 'Shot crew for example, (correct me if I'm wrong) will cost you $250 an hour. An Ericson skycrane in 1989 was $9k sitting on the ground cold. The pilot wouldn't tell me how much it made running. So we take some of the fine monies, and drop it into the reward account. Plus, we accept donations from anyone who wishes to help the cause. We build a poster around this, and stick it up in every post office in every town in KY. Maybe we stage a picture of a guy with a match / lighter / bottle rocket lighting the woods, with the caption "Help us catch this guy, get $500". We'd have to have the person in the pic turned so his face was not visable, or the poor guy would be getting jumped every time he turned around. Hopefully we would get hundreds of eyes and ears out there just waiting for Billybob to start in on the story of how he torched Gooserock drain to get all the deer to run toward him.
23:26 3/12/2002
So I hate to bitch, always talkin' about the pain... this hurts, that hurts, I fell out my chair, stubbed my forehead, and now that hurts... How difficult it is to accomplish all kinds of things now, and what I do (or not) to overcome them. You get the scoop. So why do I do it? 'Cuz sometimes I get emails like the one I got yesterday (or the day b4, it's a blur) in which a young lady from Vegas told me how reading about the bulls**t I go through daily makes her realise how miniscule her problems are. So... that's pretty much why this whole place is here. Plus, I like to give all the morbid freaks something to do- keeps 'em off the street ya know?
It's
23:24 3/14/2002
and I'm going home tomorro.
Am I excited / worried / scared? Well, yes and no. I have said I don't want to ever see the place again. Why? Because all the evidence of my previous life is there. All the toys are waiting, sniveling that I have neglected them for 5 months. Yes, I have been gone for 5 months. What am I gonna do when I get there? Well, first thing is to find out what kind of car I qualify for and go get it. Not that driving is much fun anymore... It's a very bad idea to change a cd, take a drink of soda, scratch the nose, or really do anything but have the right hand on the wheel and the left on the break / gas lever. Anyway, I don't want Mom and Dad driving me all over, nor do I want to wear out any friendships. "Dude... Take me to the store?"
23:29 3/17/2002
So now I'm 'home'. Nearly 5 months of hospitals and rehabilitation, and where am I? A cripple in a wheelchair. Unable to move or feel anything below my pecs. Stuck playing the close quarters navigation game and unable to leave the house under my own power. Ok, to me going out on the deck doesn't count. From there I can see even more places I can't go. See things I may never touch again. Things I left up on the hill to dry in the sun, mark a spot, or just because that was a good place to drop it. The resting place of my Dane. The deer trap. My manzanita bird perch thingies. The crossbow target. All out of reach.
Dad's sleepin' on the couch, Mom's in my bed, and I'm in they're waterbed, cuz it's the only one close to the height of my chair. My bed is 3' off the ground... No way I'm gonna get in it. I'm going to ask the guys to cut about a foot off the legs for me. I wish I didn't have to do that, but I wanna sleep in it, not look at it.
I'm scared to drink anything, because I don't want it backing up into my kidneys, or coming out during the night. Sucks I can't feel that, but it's waaaaaaaay down at S1 or 2- they say that's the last to come back, if you get it at all.
I can't help but to wonder how long my life will last... How long I'm doomed to this torture. "Oh, you'll get used to it"... Ya? Sit in a chair for a day. Just one. Pedal around like I do, figure out doors and stepps and ramps... Here's your catheter, no, you can't 'go' like you did yesterday... It's lotsa fun, lemme tell ya.
23:39 3/18/2002
Had a visit from my Vocational Rehabilitation counselor today- Very cool. I had my doubts, waiting for another canned beurocrat responce, but that did not happen. We asked many questions, and hopefully will get many good answers. Most of all I'm interested in what kind of car I am authorised, if at all. New? Used? Getcher paddle buddy, 'cuz your up the creek? I don't know. After that, what kind of 'getting around the yard' contraption can I have? A power chair would suck, I'd flip it, a manual chair isn't really an option, can I have an ATV type something please? I went over to my car today. It's about 40 feet from the edge of the deck. Took me about 1/2 an hour to get over there through the gravel, look in the trunk, and come back. Had to ride a wheelie most of the way 'cuz my little bitty casters were sinking in the gravel. It sucked. Then, to get back to the garage and find my toolbox was under the bench the whole time? Sigh. I have to tighten up the breaks on my chair... It's wangin' all over the place when I'm tryin' to get in. 'Cource 'cuz of the suspention, when the breaks are tight when I'm not in the chair, they're impossible when I'm in it. I'm gonna have to come up with a better way.
23:11 3/19/2002
I recieved 2 emails today informing me in great detail what would happen if I did not write nother update. Put away your duct tape, squirt guns, and bags of mice, here it is. The previous day is getting uploaded today as I fell asleep last night before I could do it, and I was on the desktop all day today. So there.
room1.jpg
room2.jpg
thing1.jpg
thing2.jpg
thing3.jpg
thing4.jpg
There's nothin' wrong in the head shots, they just look cool.
Should you want / need a copy (full size- these are shrunk) for the poster idea, ask.
birthdefect.jpg
burst.jpg
burst2.jpg
clavicle.jpg
clavicle2.jpg
implant.jpg
implant2.jpg
notcrazy.jpg
pcl.jpg
pcl2.jpg
ribs.jpg
spinefront.jpg
spineside.jpg
spineside2.jpg
spineside3.jpg
23:03 3/20/2002
Oh what an interesting day it has been. Went and got my ears lowered and buckle hairs removed, (sing song: buckle buckle your mother's your uncle...) then did a little cruisin' around town in my new ride. It really amazes me how torn up sidewalks and the general ground is when you have to pay attention so you don't flip yourself. Cracks and lumpy bumpies everywhere.
I went by the bank and they had this up right there front and center, plus some prints from the site, and the addy in Co. to send stuff. Pretty cool. Amazing the support I am getting from the locals.
Talked to the radio shack guy for awhile- He had heard most about it, but info travels slow sometimes. I filled him in on the rest. He was askin' about sensation return and all the usual 'normal person to a cripple' questions... 'keep the faith' and all that. Well, here's something to think about. Scroll back up and take a close gander at some of those spine shots. Look at how much damage was done to those two vertibre, and ask yourself if something soft right in the middle of all that could have survived. I really don't friggin think so, batman. So anyway, I had to ask him to get me a few things, because my dumb ass left my reacher at Craig. I was hoping it was in the big 'ol box I sent from there, every other thing was, but no luck. Sportaid's got the hoopty suction cup ones for 40 bucks... Sigh. Guess I'll have to build one. A few other folks recognized me, but overall my first town visit wasn't too bad. I didn't fall out of the chair, didn't get pushed out, or ran over by a logging truck. Not that I'm too afraid of dying, just that it's my luck I'd live on as a C2.
22:52 3/21/2002
Hmmm..... What to write about today...(tonite, whatever) A new wish list was suggested, but that information does not fit the context of this page... Or does it? I guess it might, since wishes would be something like: A super whoopass reacher, all the cappacino I could drink, ever, an easier to push friggin chair, super transfer boots, gravel cruizin' casters...
Oh yes, last year, my first year on my 16 foot longboards, I placed 4th. I was hoping to do better this year, but I had to take a nice vacation in KY and CO. Anyway, the 'after the winning run' pic is here See that? I had hair back then too... Part of that rebellious period after the military, in which my job was to cause this to happen. No, I didn't fly, or really get anywhere near the A-10's...
Ok, just because I know some of you are checkin', it's 00:53 3/23/2002 and I am at home, in my own bed, by myself. So draw your own conclusions.
alpine13 out.
00:47 3/25/2002
I recieved an email a few days ago suggesting I update the wish list. Well, I havent got a round-touit but I bought one on E-Bay today so when it gets here I'll start. ANyway, here's a sneak peak.
A useful spasm. One that doesn't try to whoop me out of the chair, throw me on the ground, or gets my legs doin' the riverdance while I'm tryin' to sleep in the morning.
Lighter legs, or even no legs. They're friggin h e a v y! You carry a 45 pound sandbag on each foot and see how ya like it.
A back which hurt more. Yup, not quite enough pain just yet, so I'm not really sure I'm still alive.
Being able to find something on the friggin' internet. Example? what the hell is an uA741 IC? I need one for my fan..... thermal.... control.... slower..... downer.....thing. Guess I'm gonna have to go over to Fravia+'s and do s'more reading.
I once dreamed that I would roll out of my room at the 'Hill (the one right acros from the psych office), look to the right, and see the security guard walk over and unlock the outside door there at the end of the hall. Then, he turned around, and dissapeared around the corner by the nurses station. I had this dream last year in about March I believe (yup, b4 i became a cripple). It was 9 or 10 months later when the dream actually happened.
About 1994 or so I dreamed I was in a house. A nice house, upstairs. To the left were 2 doorways on the left, one on the right. I didn't look to the right. Going down the stairs curve to the right, and there is a chandelier hanging at the foci of the arc. Downstairs I remember a 'dayroom' which was nice and bright and sunny, from which it is possible to see aircraft landing at the the SF airport. It was months untill I met a guy snowboarding. even more months untill I saw his house in San Mateo. Uppon entering the house I instantly knew the floorplan, although I had never been there b4. I'm not going to tell you his name (football bat incident) but he bought a VW GTI soon after a white knuckle ride in mine, and drives it sometimes to his job at Varian. So now if you know, you know. If not, he's safe.
Even before that, 80 something, I dreamed I was sititng at a desk, outside, taking a music test. I could smell the ocean. I could feel the bolts in the seat of the chair poking me. Where was I? The Phil Mattson Vocal Jazz Clinic, somewhere in the Gay Area. (Joke... figure of speech in my friend circle.... sheesh) Again, it was months before I lived the dream.
It's almost getting to the point where I'm tempted to do something to change the outcome of my memmorie(sp?), but I'm still afraid to... I don't want reality to tear and I get sucked out or something.
So anyway, why did I make it possible for you to read that? Because last night, I had a dream. To my knowledge, my first dream since Oct 31 2K1. I dreamed I was walking. I could feel almost everything, but not quite. Nerves were still scrambled in a few spots. I had a girl. One I have not met yet. Use your imagination, and I felt that too. So will it be real? I don't know, they seldom are. Maybe my mind hasn't figured out subconsiously(murdered sp...) that now I roll, not walk. Who knows. That sure would be cool though, 'Cuz then I'd get to help Dad tear the ramp off the deck. We're gonna do that as soon as I don't need it anymore.
From a soon to be equine PT in KY (imagine that!)
>Just one quick ? for now...
For now? Where is this going I wonder...
>What was your favorite part of therapy, Why?
My favorite part? I'm gonna haveta say hands down 'Chair Class' at Craig Hospital. Allthough they called me 'Crash' cuz I fell out so many times (15-> ya don't know the limit till ya push), i really enjoyed it. Steps, doors, curbs, ramps, wheelies, go-ball, RR tracks, and yes, even the elusive backflip can all be mastered in chair class. John-the-PT (name used to recognize geatness) was an absolute wizard in a chair. He would do things even we (the cripples) thought impossible. Lots of times you don't know something is possible untill you se it right? Like that.
22:33 3/25/2002
Went to the dentist today... Took about a million x-rays, all is good. He's gonna have to replacce the bridge, and cap one, but all the others can be easily repaired with amalgum(sp?) filler? I don't know, something. Shouldn't be too bad though.
00:47 3/27/2002
DO you have one of these in your back yard? I have 2 of 'em, and soon 2 more. What are they? Great horned owls, grasshopper. Yes, seems there are a few less squirrels around lately. Ravens, however, do not like young owls. It's open season on ravens around here.
Search strings used to find the place? roxy codone, www.krstofer.org/top.htm. (duh...), klamath hotshots (?), bomber snowboard bindings, and the one which got a laugh out of me: Dickdance.
01:58 3/28/2002
So I just finished climbing back into bed after 'slipping' out of the chair. How'd that happen? Maybe I was distracted, maybe not, anyway, there I was sitting in bed, and I looked over on top of the dresserand saw a bag of Riley's jerky. Now I'm pretty partial to that stuff, and seeing it made me want some. That worked for some other stuff thisevening, but that's not a PG story. Anyway, the dresser's about mmmmmmmmm 7? 6 or 7 feet away, waaaay too far for the reacher. No problem, I'll just hop into my handy dandy wheelchair, roll 2 feet, get the jerky, and come back. So I get back to the bed, throw the jerky init, and prepare to do the same for myself. Well, about mid-launch my (friendly useful) legs decide to do that arrow straight spasm maneuver they've been pulling lately... Sigh. So, I don't get enuf lift, bounce off the side of the bed, and land with about one square centimeter of my ass on the edge of the chair. Legs are still stickin' out, causing me to lean back a little, causing my ass to loose it's perch, and I slide to the ground. Now I'll answer all the required nursing questions: No, didn't hit my head. No, didn't scrape my ass. No, didn't scrape my knees (that comes later on the rug). No, I didn't hurt anything else which is a part of me.
Sooooooooo..... There I am, on the floor, doing some kind of drunken starfish maneuver trying to pull myself into bed. Doesn't work. I'm looking at the chair thinking 'ya right I'm gonna pull myself into that...' I'm becoming more and more tempted to drag the covers off the bed and sleep on the floor. (no luke no you can resist the dark side.) So... what can I use to get back into the chair? FIrst I yank the cusion off, giving me about 3" less to go, and under the bed I happen to spy one of my trusty 20mm ammo boxes. (doan' tell the Army I 'borrowed' them k?)SO, I yank that bad boy out of there and stick it in front of the chair. Then, I haveta move my legs around so I can get a good aim, and that's where I got the rugburn on my knees, honest. I drag myself up on the ammo box, re-aim, and shoot for the chair. No joy. Plus, on the way back down I nearly manage to whoop myself off the ammo box. Blessing in desguise(sp?) as I now have kindof enough room to maybe weasel the cusion up on the ammo box and get it under me too. After a brief struggle, (ya right) our hero manages to find himself uppon the ammo box, and the cusion at the same time. Then, has he raised himself high enough to launch into the chair. Now remember, I took the cusion off, so the chair is now 2.5 inches lower that usual, making the launch into bed that much more difficult. 'Member? that's how I hit the floor in the first place, about 20 minutes ago.
I try the slidin' board, but I'm in my chones and bare skin doan' slide real well on a slidin' board. So, I struggle with that for another breif time, and end up chuckin' it in the corner. I peel the covers and the pads and the cushies back on the bed, making it about 4 inches shorter. Thaaaaats more like it, and I get most of me into bed. Still have to fight the legs in, they have minds of their own...
So all that for some jerky? Yup, it's Riley's. 'Cource everyone thinks their local thing is the best, but ours really is.
22:36 3/29/2002
Welll, wasn't too bad of a day, once I got up and got some coffee in me. I think the seal in the cappacino maker is going bad, but I'm not tall enough to see into it anymore. Prolly gonna have to replace it.
Found my SGI software today, finally... Ripped the whole garage apart, ok, as much as possible from a@%$# wheelchair, (sheesh that thing was pissin' me off today, gettin caught on throrugs and cracks and all tippy) and where did I find it? Right up on the bookcase above the desk, which I'm not tall enough to see too much of either. I heard it laughing at me. Anyway, got my Indigo2 Impact all loaded up and running, now I get to figure out what I'm gonna do with it.
People who are 'ahead' of me in the crip game keep telling me it will get better, I hope it does... I don't know if many of them have the multitude of injuries I do though. I'd love to 'just' have a broken back.
23:23 4/1/2002
I have been lead to believe that: "Two men from Goose Rock were indicted in Federal Court in London, KY and will appear before the Federal Magistrate there on April 10th for the October arson fires." Had I heard about this a little sooner, and I knew the court people would let me in to watch, I would fly to KY to be in the court room with these two. It just kind of struck me, you know? When I heard? One of these guys might be 'that guy'. Yeah, that guy who thought it would be cool to go runnin' around last haloween torchin' the woods.
Anyway, before I get all spun up about that and can't sleep (again)... No news is good news right? So I didn't update for 3 days... Sheesh. I planted a bunch of stuff today, after finally making it down into the garden to see what was left from last year... I kinda didn't get a chance to bring in the tropicals or protect the easily wounded... Sigh. So I planted some stuff... My Voodoo lilly's, I've got 5 of 'em, some passionflowers, kiwi, figs, carob and cinnamon vines... I had to go all the way to the garden to get the potting mix and seed trays and such. I say 'all the way' but it's only about 50 feet. That's the farthest I've been from the house (not counting in a car) since I got home. I probably won't go that far again untill I forget how bad it sucked getting there and back. Wheelchairs are DEFINATELY not for use outside in the hilly lumpy gravelly yard at my house. It kinda bummed me out, but for the last two weeks I've been looking across the draw and up the hills to places I can see but will never go again. It was so easy before- totally impossible now.
22:39 4/3/2002
Went to the urologist yesterday..Was it yesterday? I think so... Things blur together sometimes, must be what it's like to be old, crippled, and on massive doses of painkiller. Ok, maybe I don't seem old to you, but I've got the other 2 in the bag. Anyway, the guy's really cool. Since I live so far away, and his comment was 'we're big kids now, right? We can tell what's goin' on... He wrote me a standing order to get urine cultured in the local lab, and a script for 4x doses of antibiotic. So, I get sick, have it cultured, get the meds, and treat myself. Pretty nice.
23:39 4/4/2002
Ordered up a new case for Igor last night, to the tune of $100... Jeepers, that's what I paid for the freakin' motherboard, and a heck of alot went into that, rather than bendin' up some steel. Wanna see it? It's here. They say they shipped it today, doubtful I'll get it tomorro, even though it's supposed to be overnight shipping. I expect it prolly Monday. That's ok though, because I'm not done building my fan speed controlling by temperature circut- No reason for the poor thing to sound like a jet engine when I'm just surfing, but when I have 20 windows open and am doing grafx and writing and surfing and have rollercoaster tycoon running, sure, crank 'em up. I made one circut, but I used too small of pots, and they about had a meltdown. No worries, I've got some bigger ones coming.
22:58 4/6/2002
Posted on Sat, Mar. 30, 2002, Lexington Herald-Leader.
Two men indicted in October forest fires
K now I'm really goin' to bed.
23:13 4/9/2002
I figured I better put a lil' somethin' up here before people started to come by to see if I'm still alive.
23:41 4/10/2002
I've been meaning to write alot more, you'd think a gimp wouldn't be too busy when he finaly get's home, spendin' the days relaxin... Nope- holy jeepers. Between all the DR visits, trying to line up therapy locally, massage to un-screw my back, building the other computer, trying to sell a bunch of crap, don't forget taxes, and oh by the way, Ca thinks you owe them $1000 for 99, when you didn't live here then, but kept residentcy... It's a hell of a lot harder to reach stuff now, and to pick up / move it once it's reached.
00:00 4/12/2002
Slept like Sooo much crap last night... Constantly waking up from not really sleep, trying to move, and finding the legs balled up. Smack 'em around, hoping for a spasm which would straighten them... Not likely. Sit up, straighten them, lay back down, try to fall asleep, ba dump ba dump thump... yup, the riverdance. What a bunch of bullshit. Sick, torturous, evil bullshit. No one who has this life will tell you it's worth living, I garauntee it. It's all you guys who think it's so nice to keep us alive when we're in the downward spiral. Anyway, enough of the spilled milk. A day doesn't go by when I wish I hadn't survived, but you know that allready. So... I finally drop off into oblivion about 6 thismorning, and wake up about 9... Way too much noise to sleep anymore. (Still gettin' over the military twitch) I roll over, and had known I was a little 'damp' for the last few hours, figured it wasn't much, and didn't care. Welllll.... Come to find out it's the biggest puddle ever. Wonderful. I guess the legs weren't the only thing twitching last night. SO, I went over to NewMobility and posted this just to see if any of the other gimps had the same problem. Ate double baclifin and ditropan for tonite, we'll see.
10:58 4/12/2002
Cryptic mesage of the week: "Johnny O knows what Zeuss has been eating, and mentioned it OUTLOUD in AM Thunder, therefore, there will be no more tarps untill the situation is remidied."
Now isn't that wonderful? No, it's not some secret AlQueda message (the feds haven't figured out you don't need 128 bit encryption to get your message across) and no I'm not going to tell you what it means. Interested partys will recognize it.
23:31 4/13/2002
I remember thinking thismorning 'nobody comes by anymore'...'I don't get cards and stuff anymore'... And I remember back to when I was at the 'hill and predicted such. Then, around noon, Johnny Burns came by, and while he was here, Johnny O came by. Pretty cool, I thought. Then, I recieved a card from a Miss Andrea of Loyall, KY, who is sending me healing vibes, and says chicks really do dig big scars. Pretty nice day.
22:55 4/14/2002
We have a couple of skydivers in the back yard... They look like schmoos (spaceghost cartoon) don't they? The little guy burned in yesterday, apparently doing a branch dance or something, and slipped off. Today, Mom was out watching the other one, it had crept out on the same branch, and was doing the same thing, when it slipped also. I happened to be looking out the window when it came down and it was a blur about 2 feet long. It landed behind my crossbow target so I didn't get to see if the poor guy bounced or not. Apparently they are absolutely covered with fleas...
Mom brought the little one in last night and gave it some chicken, but they are both outside tonite. Apparently the parents are calling them from the top of the hill, the big one is pretty far up there but the litle one hasn't moved much. He (she?) is hoppin around pretty well, but took a pretty good smack to the side of the head on the way down. Hopefully the foxes don't get them tonite... Could I walk I would have built them a little platform in a tree, gathered them up, and stuck 'em up there, but all I can do is watch from the porch. Here's what they look like pissed... See how big and scary I am?
09:15 4/15/2002
Owl pics fixed, Thanks.
22:51 4/15/2002
I think of all kinds of things during the day, but by the time I crawl in to bed I'm too tired to write them all down.
I will remember forever one day at the 'hill I went back to my room, and because I couldn't transfer by myself I called nursing and asked for help. Maria came in and told me I couldn't get out of my chair because PT had said I needed to stay up more. I got to sit in that thing for an hour. Look back on those days, read a few passages, if I was even writing this yet, and see how much pain those early ill-fitting chairs caused me. I was in absolute agony for an hour. Did I say anything? No, I just never talked to that nurse again. She has probably forgotten that incident, but I will not.
Someday I'm going back, hopefully for the arson summit in October. I plan to go back to the hospital(s) and thank once again the nurses in the ICU who kept me alive, the nurses at the 'Hill who helped me back up the spiral, the PT's and OT's from whom I learned to live, and the friends I gained who would bring me pepsi's and steak. All were wonderful, I'm smiling right now thinking of them. Well, except for that one.... I don't want anything bad to happen to her, (but i did name her name didn't I?) I just don't want to see her.
21:33 4/16/2002
He also mentioned the tarp incident, I wonder who doesn't know.
I like the arson poster ideas. Once it's finalized,
I'll be the one preparing it to go to the printer.
So... any photos used in the posters need to have
available hi-res images for final output. By this I
mean scanned at 300 dpi (and placed in layout at
100%), CMYK TIFF files. Printers we use get squirrely
when you give them 72-dpi shots taken off the web and
stretched to fit. They just don't print as well.
If you want one scanned, ask.
No more owls in the backyard.
17:26 4/17/2002~> Just learned the little skydiver who is in rehab, didn't make it. No new owls this year. Sigh.
Some days, I don't want legs at all. This is one of those days. I'm getting kinda tired of hearing "well that's a good sign right?" cuz anything can be a good sign if you want one bad enough. Just ask your priest, rabbi, local alqueda rep, a wikken chick, or any other religious affiliate...(sorry, sorry, I shouldn't lash out at religion when I'm feeling bad... Sorry...) Take a gander at that little picture (it's not an 'icon') to the left. It's a scan horisontally through one of my vertibre. It's not even a really good example, because you can see it's starting to shatter. See that nice round hole in the middle? That's where the spinal cord runs, and is protected from damage by the vertrebal body. Now, go take a look at
this, and really check it out. Look closely. Tell me, honestly if you think something soft that ran through that little hole could have survived when those vertibre were shattered like that. The Doc told me she pulled many bone shards from the canal where the cord runs. I don't kmow how many, and I don't know how big, but they were there.
So I guess what I'm tryin' to tell you is that I, after seeing these scans and really looking at them, and hearing what the Doc said Monday about the cord being thinner at the satterpoint, have completely lost all hope that I will ever walk again. My spinal cord at the T7/8 level is damaged, and central nerves DO NOT grow back.
At some point in the future, the neurowizards may figure out a way to patch central nervous tissue, be it stem cells, mylin grafts, or something, but as of today, there is no hope for me, good signs or not.
23:42 4/20/2002
Allright allright... I'll write something. I'll even give you a sign. Look at this. I can feel that. Now just to make it crystal clear, look at this. That's what... T11? T12? L1? whatever. Figures I can only feel pain. Why's the redmark there in the first place? Pants are too tight. Why? Cus I can't control my bellymuscles anymore, making me look like a beerpig and causing all my old pants to not fit.
A public safety officer is a preson serving a public agency in an offical capacity as a law enforcement officer, firefighter, or member of a public rescue squad or ambulance crew.
'Total and permanent' disability is not defined, so does anyone know? I'm sure it's permanent and I can get the Doc to say so, but I'm not sure if it's total. With my luck, I'm only considered 10% disabled or something like that. Probably what they're basing that $900 a month on. Which, in my opinion, should be untouchable. No matter what I do for the rest of my life, $900 a month. Military disability is forever, why not government employed civillian?
00:35 4/22/2002
So. I've been looking at alot of the gimp equipment I have bought / been provided with, and I come back to the 'there's gotta be a better way'. My breaks on the chair? Suck. One fell off a few days ago and I haven't bothered to put it back on because they don't work most of the time. Sure mechanicly they move, but they don't stop anything. My new reacher? Well, you can reach with it, but better not try to get something, 'specially something you don't want to drop. The thing's weak. Another mechanical disadvantage. I want one I have to be careful with or I'll crush that unopened can of soda.
Anyone out there in internet land know how to turn my ideas into a product? I have a machine shop still in boxes in the garage, but I want to get to the point where I'm making more than a few widgets, I want to go big if I can. I'm a little worried about the 'invention submission' groups- Anyone done this before and want to give me a few clues? I need a way to pay for school, planning to NOT depend on the OWCP because I'm not sure if they're going to help, and I can't pack a saw anymore. My mind and my ideas are all I have.
I don't see the point in living in the woods anymore. I'm tired of looking at things I can't ever touch. Why know all the names of the trees. Why look at the lean and branch weight, and contemplate the zone in which I think I could fall the tree? Why bother looking out the window at all? I can't go there. I think as soon as possible I'm moving to the city, where all may not be flat but at least it has a hard surface and I have a chance of moving around.
06:09 4/27/2002
A joke for all my athiest friends:
So the Catholics have Michael Jackson teaching Sunday school now or what?
Should you be Catholic, well, I'm sorry. Seems quite a few high ranking members of that church need to be ex-communicated and stashed under the Vatican. Just my humble opinion.
Go ahead and please bombard me with all of your gimp jokes, as I can take it, and I really need a good laugh.
811 e-mails dating from 3/30 I have yet to answer. That's even after weeding out the emergency's and the chaff.
Not 1 thing not frustrating
embarrased to go into town want to go, but worried about appearances
unspoken answer to 'goodnight' it will ne if i don't wake up tomorro.
as i ride the spasm rodeo...
spilt milk, yall want me to shutup, cuz i hate winers ... didn't know (it) was gonna b like this then ... said hell yes i wanna live thinkin' I was gonna make a full recovery ... least spasms doan' hurt ... definately would have shot myself (by now if they did)
hard time dealin, (with this injury) (thats) why the sig (Sauer P245) is in the other room. get too tired trying to beat myself to death (with my reacher, or something)
not drinking anything but my 2 cups o coffee every day, (if I can possiblt help it) scared of peeing bed
cant lean over and (then) sit up w/o feeling sick (the kind of sick first felt when I got to the 'Hill and was trying to sit up for the first time in a month)
whence i am doing less, pain is worse. distraction (maybe dulls it?)
I don't believe I will call him back.
What would we do now?
23:25 4/28/2002
A relatively painless day? How the heck did that happen? I have no idea, but I hope it continues. Keeps my mind away from accelerated mortality and closer to where I was in my other life. Relatively cool and a little rainy today, not good forge building weather, 'cource I'm not sure if my homemade refractory mix will work at all. I hoe so as I spent about 50$ in furnace cement- cleaning out all the hardware stores in town. Got a few arm aches mixin' in the pearlite I'll tell you what... I will not do that by hand again.
So..... Then I'm poking around on the 'net and come across a refrence to there being TWO different possible pinouts fir the USB plugs on the motherboard. Some use this, some use that, anybody's guess as to what you have. So. I look in my handy-dandy mobo book, (the one which came with it) and now having learned the Vcc and Votherthing secret, proceed to figure out that if I reverse the pinout of the plug, I should be golden. So I tried it, and wonder of wonders, IT WORKS!!!
So what's all that gibberish mean? Well, grasshopper, the USB cable which came in the box from the manufacturer which is for this motherboard... wait for it... was made BACKWARDS! I thought it was dead, so I bought that other PCI~>USB card... Guess I'll still build it in, least it'll look cool. At least one can hope.
23:07 4/29/2002
Quote from Dan of Dansdata.com
"Of course, there are no real problems. When you think you see a problem, you
just have to remember to think of it as a trap put in your way by all the people who
are scheming against you."
Plenty o traps in my way...
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (rolling willynilly in circles) but I can't figure it out!
most of time don't want to live / be here. usually only record bad stuff ...life not always bad. just most of time
this will become a book when i walk, or die but not till then, least at this point.
how say in england... my usb port's a bit dodgy
novelty 'love meter' thing
'puter fan speed readout circuit
23:20 4/30/2002
A decent day. I've been building a Reil type forge, (had it started in Oct b4 I went to KY) used a shitload of furnace cement, hoping to get it strong enough. Reinforced with chicken wire... The works. It's been drying for 5 days, figures the only time prolly this year we get high humidity and rain. No sun at all. Fired up my burner today though, stuck it in the forge and let it run for about an hour. Lots of steam escaping, bottom of forge still cold and sticky. I let it drain the propane tank and the cement / pearlite mix is really starting to set up. I can see I'm going to have to do a few repairs though, fillin' in some cracks and such. Seems like it will work, but the burner needs a little massaging (as does my back) to get it up to full power.
You say don't think like that, I say it's the truth.
The season starts next Monday. I've been asked if I want to be there, and I don't think I do anymore. At first I was interested, but not so much now. What would I do besides sit there and wish I could go. One of the better 'get paid to travel and see cool places find cool stuff meet new and interesting people' type jobs I've had. 'Tis no more tho... I've joked about my hogsaw being taller than i am now, but it's in the barn, so I can't even check.
I have not called the aforementioned person (friend from another life type) back. Prolly still will not.
Come to think about it, very few non-hotshots have been by to view the cripple.
Oh well, not too fond of this zone anyway. The woods are cool, but that's over, now all that's left are the people.
01:12 5/2/2002
Went to my first session of outpatient rehab today- Pretty cool. Nice to know there's someone else besides the gimps who knows gimp requirements here in town. A little stretching, a little strengthening (sp?) and I was done. INteresting how I think it would be immediately possible to fall asleep on my belly on a massage table or a therapy mat, but it's definately impossible to do it in my own bed.
Also, recieved a few sample microchips from Maxxum- these little chippy guys are capable of hearing changes in a thermal sensor and adjusting a fan speed accordingly. Just what I have been looking for for quite a while. Do they work? No. Why not? Lookit how friggin small they are! I can't attach that to anything. The tip of my soldering iron is bigger than the whole damn chip! Sigh. Foiled again.
Those of you who like to forward those silly 'send this to 10 friends or your nose will turn black and fall off' or whatever it is this week emails should read The Hoax that cried Wolf! before you send any more.
40 things you will never hear in the south.
Now if you're from the south, don't flip out, just read it and laugh because it's funny, not necessarily about you.
Admin note, saved it again from Word, and the code's so screwey I can't figure out how to get #40 over there with the rest of 'em. Not that I trued very hard.
21:54 5/2/2002
Wow! An early post! What time is 2150 in real guy time..... Thinking back to my time with the grunts....um.... 9.50? almost 10? (looking up at the civilian numbered clock with the ACC crest proudly displayed right smack in the middle...Yup, 9.50.
Hey! I got up at 7 today, earliest in a way long time (but was sleeping in before OCT312K1) to go look at cars. So I'm tired.
Who's gonna buy the gas for that behemoth? Me. I can drive as little or lot as I choose, so I betcha gas is on me. Vans are not known for their stability in a corner. (read as: falls over if you come into the corner too hot) I betcha they SUCK in the snow. I am being asked (at this point, which granted is still early) to go from a '90 Jetta 1.8 litre (not very big but BOY was it fast...) sway and tie bars all 'round, 15 inch rims with 40% lo-pros, which was an absolute blast on turney roads to a full sized van. The main criteria being hauling my chair in and out of a car for years will pre-maturely damage my shoulders. Pushing myself around all day has nothing to do with it guess. Hopefully I will get to sign the 'I am old enough to take responsibility for my own informed decisions' form someday and get a car. That is if I can find one which I can easily get myself and my chair into. I don't want to deal with a difficult transfer when I'm sick.
Just my $.02
George Burns
Had a pretty good day today. Nice big 'ol cup of coffee thismorning, managed to get it without getting hastled- Somewhere in my hospital stays a nurse said to my mom "We don't reccomend caffine." That was the end of it. Every time I have a pepsi or a cup of coffee and she's nearby I hear it. Come to think of it though, I did see a news report last night about how coffee is the number three killer in the united states. Right behind smoking which I don't anymore, and drinking, which I never did. Yup, I couldn't believe it either.
Still working on the big computer, got the USB card yesterday, even faster than Q Net could have, and prolly for half the price. Anyway I had to get a de-soldering tool so I can take the ports off. More on that later. Went to therapy, that was allright, and then went over to the SO to check out dispatch, saw Mike and Pete there, Mike's gonna pick me up and we're gonna go to a schindig out on LaPorte road tomorrow. I thought it was last week, and nobody had said anything about me not going or hey doya wanna go so neither did I. Went to radioshack and got my soldersucker and an 'automatic wirestripper' (ta-da)
Got home, and as we pulled up to the garage I thought 'I feel really good! Back doesn't hurt, mentally stable, actually maybe looking forward to being alive the rest of the day.'
Sigh
Yes, woke up in a puddle again. Didn't tell anybody. Figured it would dry, and I'd get a reprieve for another day or two from the 'what seems to be your problem' discussion. or 'his problem' or whatever. No such luck.
The day did an absolute 180 right there. I have thought of more places to shoot myself (to be, not to make the hole) in the last 6 hours than in probably the last 3 months. I'm not concerned about missing anymore, a .45 hollowpoint? Come on... Not possible to survive that. Unfortunately I can't get to any of those places by myself anymore. Now I didn't say when I found them 'gee this would be a nice place to die', I just think they would be now. Places where my body wouldn't be found for awhile, if ever. But what would I do with that stupid chair? Dead (ha!) giveaway. I guess I could leave it somewhere, but the drag markes as I made my escape wouldn't prolly be hard to follow.
Oh my god he's gonna kill himself you're thinking. I probably will someday, but not today. Why not? I dunno. I've got a lot going for me I guess... Hastles about caffine, legs that not only don't work but I don't even know are there unless I look... a pretty zippy wheelchair... lots of friends coming by all the time...
Sigh. Have I mentioned my teeth hurt like a bastard? They do.
I did not eat my pills for the evening. Nope. They're 'out there', that place where I would rather starve than go. Hey- I was in the military. I've been hungry before. Now that I think of it, I'm now a cripple with not much wage earning capacity, so I'll prolly be hungry again. Anyway, lookin' forward to extra jumpy spasms tonite and finally getting to feel what it's like to miss a dose of painkiller. Oh well, I haven't managed to die yet.
picture this one. You're however old you are. All of the sudden, for whatever reason, you're like me. You have to live with your parents, and they treat you like you're 6 most of the time. How would you feel?
I have not eaten. I will not tonite. Why? Because I do not want to see or even worse be seen by them. I want to be invisible because now I am a burden. I would do something about that but how can I with no vehicle, no house of my own, and 957$ a month? I can't. And till the end of the summer before I get that wonderful van. I don't know what the hell I'll do then, but at least I'll have a van. There's gonna be a bed in the back, so I guess I can live in there if I have to. Like the hippies in the (what years were those?) yeah, then.
Since I have been home, 14 people have been over to view the cripple. 4 of them temps on the crew. 1 guy from the Lassen, that was pretty cool. If you haven't allready, you don't need to bother. Don't feel bad for me.
My friend from KY called tonite. My phone is unplugged because I was working on the desktop and unplugged the modem- the phone goes through there. Anyway, I said tell her I'll call her back. Just because I didn't want to see mom, not because I didn't want to talk to one of the only people who can really understand how I feel today. I never saw it, but I understand she cried herself to sleep every night in the hospital. I believe it because it wasn't uncommon for me. I have not called her back because the phone card's in the kitchen, and you know why allready I'm not goin' out there.
and that will be it.
09:49 5/5/2002
Reeeeeally good time last night. Ok, not THAT good (gutterhead) but up there. I'm guessin' 50-75, maybe 100 all told souls, bbq, sushi (that's raw fish 'least most of the time, rolled up with rice in seaweed. it's good. LOOKOUT for that 'wasabi' stuff tho) A band playin' reggae type stuff from Tahoe (the lake) and all on the power of the sun. (solar) Re-met some old friends who have scattered to the winds but get sucked back in sometimes, met some potential new friends, and up-graded a few from 'acuaintence' (did I just murder that?). Talked trash about those who needed it, but not at because they weren't there.
Found out my valve stem lights on the big tires work at night. Hard to tell when you can't see it. (Hence the "does this make my ass look big" trap, I guess)
Had 1 beer. NOT a good idea with the level of narcotics I am on. In fact, I'll call it A DUMB IDEA. Whooped my ass. It was like times 20. 'Cource not having a good beer since before OCT312K1 might have had something to do with it. It was a Sierra Nevada, Pale Ale flavor I believe. Never heard of 'em? That's cuz they don't need to advertise. They're that good. Made in Chico (yes, top 10 party school in US, go figure) If you're ever there go to the brewery and try it.
Back hurts a little more than usual today tho. Who knows.
Incidently that big 'ol black thing in the lower left corner of the picture, those of you who know are saying 'that thing wrapped in lectrical tape'? Yup, that. It's my massive overkill digital camera battery pack. 30 (count 'em) 30 1700 mah cells wrapped up. 5 one way makes 6 volts, 6 the other makes 10.2 amp hours. I don't have to recharge it for awhile. When I do, only tales an hour on my Astroflight charger. Sure, I kinda speny some $$ on the whole digital camera setup, but I don't have to spend any more, ever. Well untill something wears out. No 10$ for film, 10$ develope, hour wait, and 3 of 27 pics that are good. I get instant gratification, and that, kids, is what the world's all about in this day and age after all.
05:46 5/6/2002
In order to get more disability $$, I had to find my last LES or something to tell how much I made last year. I finally found the magic (I hope) bullet- Mr 1040 ez taxation form. Guess what kids... My adjusted gross income for 2001 was $34,065.23. What did you make? Yes, I taught for 9 weeks, 8 hours a week, for the fee of 21.50 an hour. Then, I was a Hotshot from 7May till I got crushed by that tree. I put in a semester of school where I tied on 19.5 units, and had a couple of months off during winter......... 2000. Check out the paperwork here.
Now all I have to do is write something convincing for the OWCP folks to hopefully talk them out of some more $$.
06:18 5/6/2002
HOLY JEEPERS where the heck can I meet THIS chick? Would she go for a cripple? One would think NOT, but stranger things have happened... (Yup ....... alllllrightey... Ifya havent noticed allready, I am kinda partial to redheads.)
23:36 5/5/2002
Been working on the forge burner a little- still need a larger supply hole, I think, to get the propane / o2 mix just right. It does seem to suck the propane a little allready tho- but it does burn suprisingly long on a tank. I'm gonna try to put legs and the top on the forge tomorro, if I have time. Then I have to install the drain, wrap the whole thing in chickenwire and slather it one more time with raw furnace cement. Then a day or 6 in the sun, and away we go. I've got a bunch of old pistons over by the woodpile, someday I'm gonna have to take the morning off and go get them. Brass and lead from the shooting range, and if I ever manage to walk, or even hobble, all the copper I could ever want from by the train tracks.
22:36 5/6/2002
Allrightey. Another fairly good day. Low pain level most of the day, gaining exponentially toward the end tho. Ah well, same story, pretty bad now, kinda like a REALLY bad sunburn. It's ok tho, I'll b asleep soon. (I hope, and I sucked down a couple perco...perca...um, hosspills.)
I wonder if anyone stood up and asked for 3rd saw this year? Boy to be a fly on the wall during 'intro' time!
Should anyone know of a source of GOOD tires in the 26 x 1 range please let me know. (admin note: Good tires are made of black rubber, are kevlar reinforced, carry a rating of 120+ PSI, and might be found on a decent or better road - bike.)
22:48 5/7/2002
So, I'm inclined to agree, at least at this point, karma is crap. Or it's not, and I get to be Really Mean to everyone the rest of my life. But I'm not like that. Unless you deserve it, and usually not even then.
She also discussed with me the fact that I'm not really depressed. At least on days when I'm not depressed. (does that make sense?) Here's the idea- Picture yourself at work. You don't wanna b there 'cuz it's a sunny day outside... Your doing a job u hate, it's tedious, anoying, and if that's not enuf, you have a hoopty work chair. My chair rocks, but it's the idea...You keep looking at clock..... and you can go home in 4 or 3 or whatever hours.
I'm not really depressed, just pissed I never get to go home.
09:20 5/9/2002
Seems I have slept the whole nite in one position.... Flat on my back. Sheesh... Roll outta bed wishing for painkillers. Sigh.
Ya know... Even on 'normal' days, like today, I can't but help wonder.... If it (life) wouldn't be easier and less frustrating if that tree had killed me right there on the spot. Then I wouldn't have to go through this living hell every day. "At least he's still alive"....Ya, Shove it. You have not any idea what it's like for me to be alive.
11:51 5/11/2002
I have got to figure out some way NOT to sleep on my back anymore- I will not be able to survive if I wake up like this a few more times. "Why doantcha roll over dumbass?" Why doantcha c'mere smartass? I have a very strong grip at a below the belt type level...
Notes to self, for download 2 other machine, since I still do not have a flippin' LAN...(Like anyone reads this far anyway)
Am I being taxed?
Talk 2 Jolly
atv cow
dispatch
zahlman
melt forge
buy refractory mix
Winders xp pro
xtra monitor for igor?
usb mess
melted ping-pong balls
I have no intention of spending the rest of my life in a wheeled chair. I drive a stick. I just spent 800$ on a Stihl 066 with a 36" bar. I really like hiking. A wheeled chair won't fit through the doors or down the hall in the house. I really hate tub bench showers. So, every time I go to sleep, I tell myself my cord is healing, and my legs will work again. I've ben talking to the hospital psychologist about the power of the mind, and he showed me a few interesting experiments. I believe that telling myself I am healing will eventually work. Sometimes I think I feel something in my feet or my legs. I'm not sure if I really am, or it's just a phantom. Either way, every time it happens my day brightens a little. So, someday, sooner or later, I will be walking again. With a walker or those arm crutches or totally on my own, I don't care. I will walk.
196 Sylvan Way
Quincy, CA, 95971
For those of you with donations, from bowling or raffles or something, know that they are greatly appreciated. Should you be wondering how to get them to me, you may send them to:
76 Crescent Street
P.O. Box 780
Quincy, Ca
95971
Attn: Krs Evans Fund
© 1996~>2K2
ALPINE GRAVITY RESEARCH
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}